Missing her eyes tonight….

I am back to visit my old friend….this blog. I have not visited it in some time.  For those who have followed my story you might remember I come here when I feel alone or sad.  I come here because I have nowhere and nobody else to turn too.  So I write what is in my mind and often in my heart.

Recently we marked 4 years from D-day.  This is always a stressful time of year. She struggles with it but I know.  We had been doing well this year.  Life had been busy but I though we had.  The reality of infidelity and the recovery process is that it is a long hard process.  Things can come out of nowhere and set it back.  I think that is one of the hardest parts. 

This morning I sit and write on the 3rd day of sleeping alone.  The trigger she encountered was unexpected and I can only imagine the waves of anger, frustration and disgust that came back.  The trigger was out of my control and just happened Christmas shopping with my daughter but by way of ownership and blame all triggers are my fault as connected to my wrongdoings.  I get it, I accept it.  It is just hard…..

I must remind myself that Erin’s journey back is harder.

I love my wife.  I love my family.  I am trying every day to put just one piece of her heart back.  Just a few weeks ago Erin had told me what a great husband she had.  That is the way this works.  Good times and bad.  I am in awe of the immense strength she has to endure the swings.  All I want to do is look into her beautiful eyes, to hold her in a warm embrace.  To go for a walk , holding her hand.  She is my best friend.  Right now, I can do none of those things.  I am to stay away from here. I do what she asks, I try and lessen her burden and hope she sees the good in me once again.

So I sit here as she processes the feelings, the anger and hatred which she feels for the man I was.  I sit and hope that she remembers the man I have tried to become these 4 years.  I just sit and wait to see if she cone back.