Category Archives: Inner strength

Missing her eyes tonight….

I am back to visit my old friend….this blog. I have not visited it in some time.  For those who have followed my story you might remember I come here when I feel alone or sad.  I come here because I have nowhere and nobody else to turn too.  So I write what is in my mind and often in my heart.

Recently we marked 4 years from D-day.  This is always a stressful time of year. She struggles with it but I know.  We had been doing well this year.  Life had been busy but I though we had.  The reality of infidelity and the recovery process is that it is a long hard process.  Things can come out of nowhere and set it back.  I think that is one of the hardest parts. 

This morning I sit and write on the 3rd day of sleeping alone.  The trigger she encountered was unexpected and I can only imagine the waves of anger, frustration and disgust that came back.  The trigger was out of my control and just happened Christmas shopping with my daughter but by way of ownership and blame all triggers are my fault as connected to my wrongdoings.  I get it, I accept it.  It is just hard…..

I must remind myself that Erin’s journey back is harder.

I love my wife.  I love my family.  I am trying every day to put just one piece of her heart back.  Just a few weeks ago Erin had told me what a great husband she had.  That is the way this works.  Good times and bad.  I am in awe of the immense strength she has to endure the swings.  All I want to do is look into her beautiful eyes, to hold her in a warm embrace.  To go for a walk , holding her hand.  She is my best friend.  Right now, I can do none of those things.  I am to stay away from here. I do what she asks, I try and lessen her burden and hope she sees the good in me once again.

So I sit here as she processes the feelings, the anger and hatred which she feels for the man I was.  I sit and hope that she remembers the man I have tried to become these 4 years.  I just sit and wait to see if she cone back.  

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Wish i wasn’t writing this….

I haven’t written in a while.

I haven’t felt this alone in a while.

I come here to help stop the voices in my head.  When she is silent too me, all I have left is the guy inside and he is not good to me.  There are 2 of them really but it is usually the mean, self loathing angry inner voice that wins out.  So I write to help get the thoughts out and feel some connection to the world.  I don’t have any friends, certainly not anyone I can talk too.  She is my only and best friend.  I sit alone most days at my desk, isolated and alone.  The best days are the days she comes to visit me or brings me lunch.  I work from home and so does she.  For years now, i look forward to her lovingly prepared lunches or funny themed afternoon snacks.  They are not always at lunch time but they are reliable…..reliable unless she is distant.  Then i often find her purposely absent from the house at lunch, a clear sign to fend for yourself.  I don’t mind having to make myself food, it is the implied “starve for all i care” in the act which is painful.  I just remind myself, my pain is nothing compared to hers so I own it.

Life is a funny thing….full of irony, full of the what if’s and should have done.  I feel like I have made all the wrong choices in life.  Investments, jobs, education and clearly my moral choices were wrong.  It is hard at my age to see where the upside is.  My mother has cancer, my father could have weeks to live.  I could be fired any day with no real prospects for future employment.  I have never connected with anyone but Erin….not really.  I’m not even a very good father.  I’m tired….

Erin has grown cold, silent and distant.  I never am sure what triggers her but it is likely the impending reminders this time of year brings.  It will be 3 years since first discovery and we’ve had great moments and oh so painful ones.  One of the only things I can find pride in these days is my ability to not turn back to my addiction.  It is not easy in that there is temptation everywhere in the world but I have this shield of love protecting me.  It is Erin.  I really don’t ever want to go back to it.  I can see how addicts struggle.  I don’t, certainly not with her by my side.  I look at her and see a future given back to me.   A life with opportunities.  I see a chance for peace, comfort and love.  We both know life will never be the same.  We both know things will trigger her and she will have bad days but we also see the good in our lives.  It’s funny, I started this post down..sad..lost.  Just talking about her brightens my spirits but I know that will fade when she comes home and ignores me.  I struggle the most when she is distant.  Not struggle with my addiction…but just with life and living.  I strive to find things for me to be positive about but it is not always easy.

I am no less sorry for what I have done that when I was first discovered.  I may not say sorry all the time but it is the most genuinely implied silence that a person can offer.  I take great pains in trying not to remind or trigger.  I am not always successful.  I will make a reference to a move I like only to have it hurled back at me with the obvious trigger reference in it.  I don’t mean it but i cannot be ever vigilant so i just accept my gaff and do what I can to repair it.  I wonder if she is tired of me.

So it is December and she is out somewhere….i don’t ask as she would only be baited into lashing out at me to  remind me of my past and how it is none of my business where she goes.  I don’t begrudge her those moments of hate.  She needs to once in a while let them out or they fester like an unkempt wound.  Ripe off the band aid and let it breathe once in a while.

I wonder where you are Erin.  Wherever it is, i hope you feel loved by me and come back to me soon.  I miss you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy birthday

My birthday passed recently. I was apprehensive and really felt like I did not deserve a birthday celebration. I remember offering it to my wife wishing I could give it to her as I am sure she did not enjoy hers back in February. Leading up to it she asked what I wanted for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It is our “thing” to pamper the person who’s birthday it is. I felt like I didn’t deserve being pampered so I made no special requests but the basics. She also told me that she had not purchased me anything significant for my birthday, I smiled and said I already have what I wanted for my birthday. I had her and that was all the present I needed.

The day started with sleeping in which I needed badly. I have not slept well and am run down. Overall the day was pleasant, only a few moments where my wife fell. She had put too much pressure on herself to make it perfect and when she fell it made her sad compounding the problem. I did my best to ease her concerns.

Dinner with just the kids was what I had asked for. I did not want the whole extended family as with past birthdays. We had just had Easter dinner with a larger group and it is torture for my wife as she has to pretend she is happy. She calls it “acting for the audience”, because no one in our family knows.

That evening the kids gave me a few fun presents for “dad” and a cake. All in all a nice birthday.

Bed time came and as we lay in bed my wife hopped up and started digging under the bed. She produced a large wrapped frame.

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The image is of a heart, made up of a thousand tiny coloured fragments. She created it for me. My wife spent hours working on it. In some of the fragments she wrote words from our healing journey. Such powerful words fill the broken pieces of her heart. She wrote words like love, strength, hope, best friends, truth, kiss, happy, honesty, together. She created the artwork after her weekend away at the “Take Your Life Back” experience. She has struggled greatly at times but has found new strength and ways to bring herself back from those depths of sadness.

I love the picture for the many things it tells me. As she has explained it, she sees it as the pieces of her heart slowly coming back together as I work so very hard to heal the wounds that I have caused. It tells me she loves me and is trying to come back to me. It also says we have a long way to go because the heart is broken in so many pieces, but we are going down that path together.

My birthday present hangs in our bedroom, where we can keep it private and I can start and end my day looking at the wonderful gift she made me.

Taking her life back

Last Tuesday my wife surprised me again with her strength. She did something which took amazing strength and was helped by a lesson/skill she learned at the recent 3 day retreat she was at.

When I had the affair, the whore was in my SUV…for travel and yes, for sex in parking lots. When my wife learned about that she asked (told) me to sell it, and I sold it within days.

We also have a 2 seater sports car that only sees the summer months. When the whore contacted my wife on facebook back in February my wife asked her if she ever went in the car…. She said “yes, twice”…so when my wife confronted me about it, i said “I’ll sell it immediately.” She suggested waiting for spring when more buyers would be looking. The car has hidden in the garage under a cover awaiting the weather to allow for it to be sold. So, here’s what happened:

Tuesday night after the kids were in bed Erin snuck in the garage and pulled the car into the driveway. (She told our 17 year old he was babysitting for a while, mom had to take dad out for a drive). She asked me to come downstairs, and she handed me my coat. I was confused when she led me outside and i saw the car running. She opened the passenger door and said “let’s go”. We got in and she took both my hands and said this to me: “This is our car. I am in MY seat. This has ALWAYS been my spot. I have decided that our amazing memories of going out in this car WILL NOT be overshadowed by that little piece of nasty who sat her nastiness in this car. You made bad choices then, but that was then. Here we are, in the present, loving our new life together. I choose to be better, not bitter. And I want to go out now, together, to make new memories, where we belong.” The look on my face was of absolute amazement and adoration. I said, “Where has this change of heart come from?” She said, “my weekend, my sisters and my new found love and excitment to take my life, and my seat, back.” My eyes welled up with tears and I said “You are the most amazing woman. I love you forever.” ….and, we sped off, holding hands, feeling incredible. ………

She explained how on the weekend retreat she learned about “taking back her life”. She learned about how she can gain confidence and a renewed sense of self thru various steps of healing. One such step is finding ways to “take back her life”. She had decided that among other things she was going too take back the memories of this car from the images in her head. We drove and talked, we parked and talked, I cried as she told me things and we hugged. It was amazing to see her strength and determination as she struggled to overcome what I have done too her. I am in awe of this woman who loves me after all I have done.

She is slowly taking her life back.

She returned home

She returned home stronger than when she left. I can see it in her. The experiences she has related to me and the friendships she has gained have all strengthened her. I just spent the last few hours listening to her. She has come home tired but energized. While she was away I put an extra effort to get the jobs done she wanted. I worked my ass off and I am also exhausted.

I don’t know what the longterm of this weekend will be but I am hopeful. She seems to have been empowered. I think I will sleep well tonight having my wife in bed next to me.

Silence

Sometimes I wish she would just yell at me so i could hear her voice. It is the hours of silence which is the worst. Hours where I don’t exist.

I speak only when absolutely necessary during her distant times. I hide from her view, I keep my head down and just try to blend into the walls. I work my ass off doing the laundry, dishes, lunches for the kids and anything else I can find.

I will never make up for what I have done but i want to never stop trying.

When she is distant I miss her so and I could be 5 feet from her.

I hope to be permitted to hug her soon.

The pendulum swings back and forth

Darkness returned last night and continues today. I fear that she had held in so much as I travelled that now she can relax and it is crashing down. I went to work today. She just called, she does not want me to come home. She does not want to see me and does not know when she will want too. She is sad and depressed and maybe has realized she can manage better without me around. I fear that my absence this week has shown her that. I fear a million things and I am paralyzed right now. This pendulum swings from love to hate and back so easily, so hard and so consistently. Gravity keeps it going and is pulling us both down. What do I do now? I feel lost with her. I am alone again…

Fighting anxiety with help from my wife.

Yesterday I had a rough day. I had a great deal of anxiety at work and I broke down a few times. When I got home she comforted me as I cried. WE had plans to go for Sushi with her dad, brother and her. The thoughts of what I have done have been overwhelming me, that and the impending bankruptcy of the family business and the potential loss of every my father has worked for these past 30 years. Just everything coming back on me at once. She asked if I was going to be ok for dinner she asked I try and participate in the conversation. I said I would. I thought I was doing ok but I wasn’t. I was so focused on just holding her hand and being close to her I hardly spoke. She was not happy with me after dinner which likely made my anxiety worse. She napped after dinner from 9:30 until 11:30. I sat beside her reading blogs and writing. I was sad and anxious. I woke her and she went straight to bed. I look for signs of impending doom everywhere. Nothing on the horizon so I felt ok heading to bed.

During the night I had a dream I was at a Sushi restaurant and I was with my family and then all of a sudden I was alone. I fought hard but I could not get back to them or even find them. I woke about 4:30 in a cold sweat. She has told me if I needed her to wake her and she will comfort me. I didn’t. I fear she will wake distant and send my anxiety spiraling down. I lay there for 2 hours until I heard her stir and see her check her phone. I asked if she was awake and I told her I was not doing well. She asked if we went and brushed our teeth and made out for a bit would it help. I said yes and it did somewhat but I was very low and hyper anxious. She got up and went downstairs around 7:00.  Around 7:15 she came up from downstairs and looked at me. I was not doing well. I was full of dread again.  She spoke to me in such a reassuring, stern, assertive voice. The following is what she asked me and I answered in short direct answers.

Are you here? YES
Am I here? YES
Are we together? YES
Am I fighting for us? YES
Do I love you? YES
Do you love me? YES
Did I kick you out? NO
Are we getting a divorce? NO
Are we separating? NO
Have I left you? NO
Do you want to be with me? YES
Do I want to be with you? YES
Have I ever said I am leaving you? NO
Have I ever said I want you to leave? NO
Are we a team? YES
Have you stopped your hurtful behaviour? YES
Are you only with me now? YES
Are we worth fighting for? YES
Are we best friends? YES
Would you do anything for my recovery? My Happiness? YES

I want you to smile! You have so much to be happy for.
I am here.
I am with you.
We are together.

See this all as a full glass not an empty hopeless glass.
Drink up the goodness.

She held me and I felt better. I got up got dressed and had a good day. I was not consumed by the images, the guilt and sadness.

My wife is an amazing woman.

Shame and sadness

Today a wave of shame and sadness came over me. I have so much sorrow and sadness for what I have done to my wife. I was standing at the door about to leave on an errand and I just couldn’t go. I just stared out the door and started to cry. My wife asked me what I was doing. I told her that sometimes I am so sad and sorry for what I have done that I don’t think I deserve a second chance. She looked up at me and took my hand. She said sometimes she don’t think I deserve one either. Then she hugged me.

She is so torn up by this. She can be ok one moment and feeling disgust and hate the next. She can kiss me in the most passionate way and turn around and wretch from disgust. She is ripped apart and it is hard to manage for us both.

I know this will talk time, years perhaps. I don’t care as long as I am with her working on it, I have hope.