Monthly Archives: March 2014

The pendulum swings back and forth

Darkness returned last night and continues today. I fear that she had held in so much as I travelled that now she can relax and it is crashing down. I went to work today. She just called, she does not want me to come home. She does not want to see me and does not know when she will want too. She is sad and depressed and maybe has realized she can manage better without me around. I fear that my absence this week has shown her that. I fear a million things and I am paralyzed right now. This pendulum swings from love to hate and back so easily, so hard and so consistently. Gravity keeps it going and is pulling us both down. What do I do now? I feel lost with her. I am alone again…

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The final Stretch – Home

I arrived home on the overnight flight Saturday morning.  It had been a long week.  It was a week we were both afraid of because of what had happened a year ago but Erin had done an amazing job keeping herself busy and keeping connected.  In previous trips she has stayed connected with me by giving me notes for me to open each day.  I had done the same but this time she asked me not too and she did not give me notes.  She preferred to write me a little note thru email each day.  Her notes were like tiny hugs I could have when ever I wanted them.  They were amazing.

It’s 3:10 here. I wanted to write you a letter because I miss you. There are few ways for me to feel closer to you while you’re away…texting, talking on the phone, face time. I thought that if I write you an email that I can feel close to you this way too.
I’m sitting in our kitchen and I love when I can look into the front room and see you sitting at the front table, working away. I look there now, and you aren’t there. The chair sits empty, waiting for you to return. It will be many days until I can see you sitting there again, and I yearn for the time to pass quickly. I love when you sit there, so that when I get the urge to hug you, kiss you or just bring you a treat I can fulfill the urge. Today, I cannot. But instead of being sad I chose to smile and think of the wonderful moments that I can steal here and there when you have been here.

I feel really good today. I know that I said that to you already, but I am actually suprised how good I feel. I don’t want that to sound negative, but maybe I put up a sheild to try to protect myself from feelings of bad. I have actually let the shield of fear down a bit today because I feel so good. I am a little worried about late at night, when I am alone. That is when darkness comes in. I am good now, so I will concentrate on this. Feeling happy, content, joy, love. This is how I wish that I can feel like more, that this feeling cannot be stolen by the darkness. I feel that the darkness is part of my healing though. Without it, I may not heal properly. So, with that said…I know that I am incredibly strong and when the sadness sets it, it will do what it needs to do to me but it will not steal my healing heart.

I would love if you could write me a letter back, that would help me feel closer to you. It doesn’t matter what you say, words of love, update of your day, a funny story, anything. Just to feel close to you, that is all I ask.

Love love love you! erin xoxoxo

She kept writing and I looked forward to each with more anticipation than the last. I’d write back but I had little time alone to write.

My return flight was delayed 2 hours and I finally arrive home at around 10 am Saturday morning. I was so happy to see her. She waited for me in bed to welcome me home. We kissed and held each other, she embraced me with a powerful love and relief that I was home. It was an amazing morning. She was kind to me, let me sleep in and that evening we went to a friends birthday party. I was still so jetlagged but I did my best to stay connected with her. I loved being home with my wife and family. I was the best feeling. We had survived thru what we feared to be a challenging week. She had done amazing. I don’t have to travel again for a while and I hope we can keep working on ways to make travel manageable. It is a part of my job which I cannot avoid.

The final stretch (Thursday night)

It’s Thursday night. It has been a good couple of days. We are staying connected and strong. A minor blip last night but all in all it’s been good. She has kept herself busy, it is the best way to keep her mind off things.

I am of no illusion that we won’t have tough times ahead but with the strength she has shown and the effort at expressing our love and commitment I have no doubt things will get better.

It will good to get home, to be in her arms, to feel her kiss and see her smile. She is my angel and my best friend.

I am off too bed.

Goodnight Erin I love you.

The final stretch

I am on the second leg of my business trip which I took last year. We had been dreading in with concerns of pressure and distance. I left Tuesday and she has been amazing all yesterday and today. We have done as much as we could to keep connection. She has written me and called, sent pics and facetimed me. It has helped me stay focused and work hard at my job while I am away. Tonight will be the greatest test as she has extended alone time. Time to think about what I have done and nothing to remind her of the great strides we have taken. We both feel that if she does fall it is also part of the healing process. I will stay with her as she falls and rises. She is not alone and never will be again. I am not the man I was and never will return to my old ways.

I will update this post until the end of my trip. Wish me luck that we can get thru this week without any significant events. If she is to fall hard, I want to be there with her to fall along side and help her ride again!

I love you Erin.

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Super Date

The pressure of the week had been significant. We had planned a super date for Saturday night. I am leaving for 4 nights to California on business and we needed to have some positive time together before I go. We arranged for the kids to be busy and we had a rough plan. So we piled in the car and off we went. We also planned to make this a bit of an adventure so we made a scavenger hunt list of things to look for on our journey. Some things were hard, some easy and some sentimental. We took the scenic route into the city and without planning we drove by the place where we first had dinner together as friends . We had planned on getting right into the city and finding a new place to eat but we both agreed that it felt right. We shared some great food, conversation and was able to cross off a few scavenger hunt items.

Our adventure took us all over. We saw amazing sights at the farmers market. We saw exotic meats, bought a butter tart for later and looked for plates at the kitchen housewares booth. Then off to another landmark being the giant thrift store with a maze of levels to get you lost in. We stopped at a exotic paper store where we bought our leather bound “book of now” which is a book we decided to write. It will record only positive things we want to document in our lives which happen in the “now”. Our new life together.

More wandering, more parking charges, we remarked how expensive it is to adventure in the city. We ended up at a favourite steak house of ours. We shared a salad and had a great meal. It was nice being out. There was only a moment of “falling” during the whole day which was healing for us both.

On the drive home we coincidentally drove by the spot where we fell in love. It was the dock we got off our harbour cruise on our first date. The dock has been replaced with a condo but the location is the same.

When we got home we put the kids to bed and turned in. We continued our positivity with some amazing making out.

It was great adventure and I look forward too many more ahead.

Sadness returns

Sadness returned hard tonight. We have reached the point in the calendar which marks my a painful event from a year ago. My wife has remarked that we need this year to pass and for us to reach the D day +1 year so she can stop thinking about what happened a year ago. Emotions have been building since Saturday. A year ago this week I took the OW away to California. This marks one of the most painful mistakes I ever made. Since Saturday the pressure of this week had been building. She asked me to help her stay positive. We have tried to stay positive. We have talked about trying to stay in the “now” and not look back. We have plans to say “fuck you” to last year and go on a super date Saturday. We are making a positive thoughts book of “now” trying to write one positive note each day about how we love life now. We planned to do it this week but the sadness has taken over for now.

Today was a tough day and tonight she broke down. She ran out of the house with a painful sadness on her face . It was like she was desperately running from the thoughts she was having as she lay down. She just needed to get out of here. She had done this a few times in the beginning but not for a while. The weight of the calendar came back tonight. I am trying to be strong, work hard at all the chores and help her heal but I cannot heal her. I wish I could but I can only help, she will have to find the strength to heal. For now I wait, worried, sick to my stomach but hopeful we will find the strength together.

Come home soon Erin.

Worth her weight in gold

Saturday we saw our couples therapist. It is always an apprehensive time leading up to our visits. I credit this woman with helping save our marriage. My wife gets the greatest credit but she is second. I cannot explain it as I am not always in the room but she helps heal my wife with her perspective, guidance, wisdom and compassion.

She is amazing the way she makes us comfortable and helps us get the point. This woman has a way of helping my wife see the good in life.

Finding someone you trust and respect is the most important factor for me but for me it was someone who my wife trusted. It turned out she is also someone i could trust. She took the time to understand the issues and respects the sides. She helps my wife, who is determined to make our marriage work, see the positives thru her pain and sadness.

The revelations from this week were surprising. For my part, she helped me see i need to have more confidence in the future. I have been on egg shells thinking at any point my wife will change her mind and kick me out. This communicates to my wife that I have doubts. It is not something I need to be suggesting. What I need to do is have more faith in what my wife tells me when she says she wants to work it out. When she tells me she loves me and wants a future with me. To see that the sadness, anger and pain is part of a process of healing. That she will endure all the pain with my support and love and come out the other side battered, bruised but in a better place. I must have faith in all the hard work I have done and believe in us.

The majority of this weeks appointment was spent on my wife. Allowing my wife to express and feel comfortable in her feelings anger, pain and sadness. Focusing time spent on helping her own those feelings and seeing that releasing them can be healthy so she doesn’t bottle them up. Also understanding that as we work towards healing we both need some “shit free” time. My wife had termed it perfectly that sometimes we need to “sit in the shit” together. Those are the times when we are neck deep in the anger, sadness, pain and heartache but as part of our healing, we both need some “shit free time” where we can relax our guard and enjoy each other. Our therapist even went so far as to explain that angry, sarcastic and vengeful speech has it’s place in releasing her feelings she is to be careful that what she wants, which is a future for us, that it is not damaged by never allowing the healing to happen. That eventually, while I take every single insult, jab, hurtful and vengeful thing from my wife without any attempt at defence or deflection, everyone has their breaking point.

I thought about that statement and then suggested I have fought and worked as hard as I can and will continue with every ounce of energy I have. What I am afraid of is what will be left of me in the end. I am so beat down by my guilt, sadness and self hate along with all her venom that I am shell shocked. Through this ordeal I have lost part of me. I am not the man I was and will never be the same but more than that. It is like I am a boxer who keeps getting knocked down over and over and each time I get up a little piece of me is lost. I am in the fight of my life, fighting for the woman I love. I won ‘t give up until there is nothing left. The counsellor then said I needed to look out for myself which I quickly suggested I can’t worry about me. My wife then looked at me and reminded me that she needed me to be healthy for our future.

We talked more about the week and the last two days where we had not spoken. My wife had said something spiteful and our therapist posed a question to my wife. She asked what did she mean by what she had said. Through some effort what it came to was not that she wanted to hurt me with those words but really she wanted to remind me of what I have done and to not do it again. She is afraid if I ever got comfortable I might forget and fall backwards into old habits. She suggest that it was a way of trying to manipulate me by making me feel bad to draw me closer. She suggested the concept of having the courage to ” fight fair”. Have faith in us and our future.

It was a good day. We both came out of the meeting with something to work on and too hope for. It was remarkable the way our therapist can help us focus on the things which are important. In our case, it is a future together with us strong and united for our family.

She is worth her weight in gold!

Night 5

I have been home 2 days now but this will be the 5th night I am not next to my wife. I won’t rejoin her until she is ready. I won’t even ask as I know my place right now. I long to he in her arms, to hold her, to kiss her. To see her smile at me with love in those eyes. It is a difficult time for her right now. I understand and will just be patient, work as hard as I can to give her whatever support I can give and pray she finds her way back to me again.

Goodnight Erin. I am sorry for what I have done.

I love you.

Missed opportunities

I am sitting with my daughter with tears in my eyes. We are watching her pet rat take the last few breaths of life. She is almost just over 2 years old and that’s old for a rat. My daughter said living that long she must have been health and happy. I told her it was because she took such good care of her.

Everything remind me of how pathetic of a person i have been. I cannot use excuses like depression or mid life crisis to excuse what I have done. I simply failed everyone including myself. Failed to see what my life was and how great it could have been if only I had opened my eyes. Now they are open it’s hard to watch life go by.

I read a letter from a cheating husband today. It brought me to tears. It reminded me of how I was, how I must have rationalized what I did and how far from that person I feel. I will never cheat again but it may be a lesson learned at a price not worth paying.

I thought recently about my past. About the missed opportunities from my past….Opportunities to learn from my mistakes. I was married before. I cheated on her as well but I never learned anything from that mistake. We had been married about 10 months. I had cheated while we were engaged but it came out after the wedding. I was away on business. I got a call telling me she was leaving me. She left with everything she owned and all the memories of the two of us before I got back. Some time later we had lunch. The only time we ever spoke or saw each other. We agreed neither of us really were happy but we never tried once to fix it. I never saw any pain, anguish, tears or any emotions from her. I now wonder if she ever did cry. I wonder how I affected her. I am ashamed of the person I was. I have a hard time feeling positive about the person I am give all I have done wrong. All I have left is how I try from this point on. Redemption seems such a distant chance. I love my wife more than I had the capacity to love before. I never really understood the power and depth of love. I have seen it’s miracles these past 3 months. Shame I was not capable of seeing it sooner. Oh what a life that would have been. I want my wife to find peace and to heal. I pray for it.

Another life is gone. My daughters pet passed at midnight. My wife arrived home from being out, away from me for the night. She arrived home to be with my daughter as my adorable daughters pet left us. I am glad she made it. My daughter will always know both her parents were there for her. At least this was one opportunity I did not miss.

Life without meaning or flavour

When she falls it takes me down also. I can only imagine she experiences similar things but how would I know. I hate what I have done. I hate myself.

For me life loses all meaning. It becomes hard to focus, hard to move. Food becomes tasteless and I crave nothing . I force myself to eat almost throwing up what I put in my mouth. I just want to crawl in a hole and hide. The weight of how completely I have destroyed our lives crushes me. I struggle to sleep, to eat, to breathe. My sorrow takes over. I am a shell of who I was.

All I can do is wait for a ray of sunshine from the only person in the world who is my light. The one I love, the reason I live. My wife.

I wonder when the clouds will part? Will they peek through the clouds today?