Monthly Archives: January 2016

Hard work

I often only blog when she is distant.  I find it a way to connect with her when i cannot in person.  It helps me focus on my goals and reminds me the only way through this is by following the path ahead of me.  For me there is no turning back or even looking back to the person i was but keep working on the person i have become.  

Today is a rare day i am sitting down to post when things are good.  A few days after newyears she came out of her cloud.  It often starts with a little gesture of connection.  For days she will avoid me, go to bed alone without exchanging words.  She will tollerate me but not interact.  She is stuck in the mud and filth of my past.  I don’t know exactly what goes on but i think she just gets tired of the hate and in a moment, likea wave, it leaves her and she comes back.  

It is hard to describe but it is such a uplifting moment when that first touch or gesture of affection happens.   You spend days alone in the same space not knowing if or when you might see her smile or treat you in a kind way.  A peaceful quite joy is in those moments.  It makes all the hard work worth while. 

For those in the early days of discovery, i encourage you too have faith and work hard.  It can get better if you truly want it too.  Search your soul, accept your faults, embrace the good. Cherrish the moments which can help you through the darkness.  

We are here today through Erins grace, strength and love for me.  She has and continues too teach me life lessons. To many to share today.  She still struggles often, more often then she tells me about.  I have altered reality for both of us.  I must live with that and some days are harder than others.  I cherrish every day with her and my kids, even the bad ones.

Today was a good day.

Advertisements

2016….still waiting to wish her a happy new year.

It doesn’t feel like a new year, certainly not a happy one.  A few days ago Erin triggered hard and she has been distant.  I don’t know exactly what triggered her, in that, know a little but didn’t go digging.  The source of the triggers are the same.  My infidelity is after all the cause of all the triggers.

So 2016 has come with few words spoken between us and of those, only the necessary.  I miss her.  We have shared some amazing moments this past year.  I wish to hold her and tell her how much I am looking forward to 2016, 2017 and beyond.  I know it will take work and strength to get there.  I find times like these stretch my faith.  I wonder if this is the time she doesn’t come back.  Everything she has endured so far should assure me that we can get through this but negative emotions are as much human nature as is love, hope and faith.  I try and push them out of my head but it is hard.  I keep trying….I keep working.

I’ve started to read blogs again.  I needed a break.  It is hard to read about all the pain others are suffering when I can see if every day in the one i love.  So many people suffering.  I wonder if their offending partners are suffering too.  I have some strange thoughts and realizations which I am sure most people won’t care about.  For those who have been offending partners I wonder if they are quietly suffering as I am.  Nobody cares about how I feel, how the pain of what I have done is eating me alive.  Most of the time I don’t even care about my own pain, only what I can do to help Erin.  Nothing I do for myself helps.  The only thing which lifts my heart is an act of kindness from her.  It is a vulnerable feeling.  Erin has still remained silent to our friends and family about my actions.  A burden which weighs heavy on her at times as references and triggers are everywhere.  She has her “Sisters” from her support group.  I am thankful of that.  She believes silence is better than the alternative of everyone walking on eggshells around her and treating her like a wounded animal.  All my efforts go toward helping her with her burdens. I support her where I can.  I will never be able to repay her for the gifts she has granted me.  The moments of love she has shown, the renewed awareness of my family, my children and just how wonderful she is.

I don’t write much here.  I don’t have much new to add to this journey. We are still on it and it is a struggle from day to day.  I also find that I don’t like putting all my thoughts on here.  I don’t want to give in to the negative emotions.  I am staying strong, as strong as someone can be given what I have done.  Regret, guilt and shame are powerful enemies.  I take solace in my ability to break myself of my addiction.  I will always be an addict, I know that.  It is not something you are cured of.  But it is something which can be controlled.  People who don’t have the struggle of addiction will never understand that statement.  They will not understand that resisting an addiction is something one must try and do.  Those who have suffered with addiction, will understand.  It is all a matter of choice.  I chose to make the right choices for my family now.  I know what I have to live for.  I chose to live for them.

I wish everyone peace and happiness for 2016 and beyond.  I wish it most for my Erin.  I wish for the knowledge, strength and resolve to help in every way I can to give her that peace.

Good Night…