Category Archives: regret

No matter how you change…you still have to pay for what you’ve done.

It has been 4 days now since Erin triggered and shut down.  When she triggers, I trigger.  Make no mistake, i am not comparing the two triggers.  They are not comparable however the reality for me is still here.  Everything is like a amplifier to life.  One thing this recent trigger has done is remind me how I need to stay connected to her.  How many missed moments to kiss her, to hold her hand, to cuddle with her……how much I want to stay connected to her.  It also has reminded me how fragile and fleeting life can be.  I sit typing this and all I want to do is run downstairs and hold her, feel her warmth and feel safe.  She is my safe place. But I cannot….

I have been told to stay away, stay out of her way.  There is only distance right now and I feel it.  I want to run and run and run to close that gap, to close the distance.  For me, the only way to close the distance is too wait, to be patient and hope she comes back.

This distance has been bitter sweet.  It has given me time to re-read my blog and learn from it.  It has reminded me to not waste the time we have.  Lately with everything on my plate, I have neglected the opportunities to just sit with her, to hold her hand and to connect.  Why does it take events like this to remind you to stop and smell the roses?  I will never know…..

I recently watched a movie and the line above was at the end.  I stared to cry….

“No matter how much you change, you still have to pay for what you’ve done.”

Why does that line create so much fear in me?  It is because times like this remind me I can still lose everything.  I can still lose her.  I fear losing her because after all we have been through it has taught me, I was exactly where I was meant to be and just did not realize it.  That seems to be right when life will take it from you.

I miss you and love you Erin.  I’d love to just hold you again one day and until then I will be standing here waiting for you.

 

 

 

Advertisements

Missing her eyes tonight….

I am back to visit my old friend….this blog. I have not visited it in some time.  For those who have followed my story you might remember I come here when I feel alone or sad.  I come here because I have nowhere and nobody else to turn too.  So I write what is in my mind and often in my heart.

Recently we marked 4 years from D-day.  This is always a stressful time of year. She struggles with it but I know.  We had been doing well this year.  Life had been busy but I though we had.  The reality of infidelity and the recovery process is that it is a long hard process.  Things can come out of nowhere and set it back.  I think that is one of the hardest parts. 

This morning I sit and write on the 3rd day of sleeping alone.  The trigger she encountered was unexpected and I can only imagine the waves of anger, frustration and disgust that came back.  The trigger was out of my control and just happened Christmas shopping with my daughter but by way of ownership and blame all triggers are my fault as connected to my wrongdoings.  I get it, I accept it.  It is just hard…..

I must remind myself that Erin’s journey back is harder.

I love my wife.  I love my family.  I am trying every day to put just one piece of her heart back.  Just a few weeks ago Erin had told me what a great husband she had.  That is the way this works.  Good times and bad.  I am in awe of the immense strength she has to endure the swings.  All I want to do is look into her beautiful eyes, to hold her in a warm embrace.  To go for a walk , holding her hand.  She is my best friend.  Right now, I can do none of those things.  I am to stay away from here. I do what she asks, I try and lessen her burden and hope she sees the good in me once again.

So I sit here as she processes the feelings, the anger and hatred which she feels for the man I was.  I sit and hope that she remembers the man I have tried to become these 4 years.  I just sit and wait to see if she cone back.  

Wish i wasn’t writing this….

I haven’t written in a while.

I haven’t felt this alone in a while.

I come here to help stop the voices in my head.  When she is silent too me, all I have left is the guy inside and he is not good to me.  There are 2 of them really but it is usually the mean, self loathing angry inner voice that wins out.  So I write to help get the thoughts out and feel some connection to the world.  I don’t have any friends, certainly not anyone I can talk too.  She is my only and best friend.  I sit alone most days at my desk, isolated and alone.  The best days are the days she comes to visit me or brings me lunch.  I work from home and so does she.  For years now, i look forward to her lovingly prepared lunches or funny themed afternoon snacks.  They are not always at lunch time but they are reliable…..reliable unless she is distant.  Then i often find her purposely absent from the house at lunch, a clear sign to fend for yourself.  I don’t mind having to make myself food, it is the implied “starve for all i care” in the act which is painful.  I just remind myself, my pain is nothing compared to hers so I own it.

Life is a funny thing….full of irony, full of the what if’s and should have done.  I feel like I have made all the wrong choices in life.  Investments, jobs, education and clearly my moral choices were wrong.  It is hard at my age to see where the upside is.  My mother has cancer, my father could have weeks to live.  I could be fired any day with no real prospects for future employment.  I have never connected with anyone but Erin….not really.  I’m not even a very good father.  I’m tired….

Erin has grown cold, silent and distant.  I never am sure what triggers her but it is likely the impending reminders this time of year brings.  It will be 3 years since first discovery and we’ve had great moments and oh so painful ones.  One of the only things I can find pride in these days is my ability to not turn back to my addiction.  It is not easy in that there is temptation everywhere in the world but I have this shield of love protecting me.  It is Erin.  I really don’t ever want to go back to it.  I can see how addicts struggle.  I don’t, certainly not with her by my side.  I look at her and see a future given back to me.   A life with opportunities.  I see a chance for peace, comfort and love.  We both know life will never be the same.  We both know things will trigger her and she will have bad days but we also see the good in our lives.  It’s funny, I started this post down..sad..lost.  Just talking about her brightens my spirits but I know that will fade when she comes home and ignores me.  I struggle the most when she is distant.  Not struggle with my addiction…but just with life and living.  I strive to find things for me to be positive about but it is not always easy.

I am no less sorry for what I have done that when I was first discovered.  I may not say sorry all the time but it is the most genuinely implied silence that a person can offer.  I take great pains in trying not to remind or trigger.  I am not always successful.  I will make a reference to a move I like only to have it hurled back at me with the obvious trigger reference in it.  I don’t mean it but i cannot be ever vigilant so i just accept my gaff and do what I can to repair it.  I wonder if she is tired of me.

So it is December and she is out somewhere….i don’t ask as she would only be baited into lashing out at me to  remind me of my past and how it is none of my business where she goes.  I don’t begrudge her those moments of hate.  She needs to once in a while let them out or they fester like an unkempt wound.  Ripe off the band aid and let it breathe once in a while.

I wonder where you are Erin.  Wherever it is, i hope you feel loved by me and come back to me soon.  I miss you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2016….still waiting to wish her a happy new year.

It doesn’t feel like a new year, certainly not a happy one.  A few days ago Erin triggered hard and she has been distant.  I don’t know exactly what triggered her, in that, know a little but didn’t go digging.  The source of the triggers are the same.  My infidelity is after all the cause of all the triggers.

So 2016 has come with few words spoken between us and of those, only the necessary.  I miss her.  We have shared some amazing moments this past year.  I wish to hold her and tell her how much I am looking forward to 2016, 2017 and beyond.  I know it will take work and strength to get there.  I find times like these stretch my faith.  I wonder if this is the time she doesn’t come back.  Everything she has endured so far should assure me that we can get through this but negative emotions are as much human nature as is love, hope and faith.  I try and push them out of my head but it is hard.  I keep trying….I keep working.

I’ve started to read blogs again.  I needed a break.  It is hard to read about all the pain others are suffering when I can see if every day in the one i love.  So many people suffering.  I wonder if their offending partners are suffering too.  I have some strange thoughts and realizations which I am sure most people won’t care about.  For those who have been offending partners I wonder if they are quietly suffering as I am.  Nobody cares about how I feel, how the pain of what I have done is eating me alive.  Most of the time I don’t even care about my own pain, only what I can do to help Erin.  Nothing I do for myself helps.  The only thing which lifts my heart is an act of kindness from her.  It is a vulnerable feeling.  Erin has still remained silent to our friends and family about my actions.  A burden which weighs heavy on her at times as references and triggers are everywhere.  She has her “Sisters” from her support group.  I am thankful of that.  She believes silence is better than the alternative of everyone walking on eggshells around her and treating her like a wounded animal.  All my efforts go toward helping her with her burdens. I support her where I can.  I will never be able to repay her for the gifts she has granted me.  The moments of love she has shown, the renewed awareness of my family, my children and just how wonderful she is.

I don’t write much here.  I don’t have much new to add to this journey. We are still on it and it is a struggle from day to day.  I also find that I don’t like putting all my thoughts on here.  I don’t want to give in to the negative emotions.  I am staying strong, as strong as someone can be given what I have done.  Regret, guilt and shame are powerful enemies.  I take solace in my ability to break myself of my addiction.  I will always be an addict, I know that.  It is not something you are cured of.  But it is something which can be controlled.  People who don’t have the struggle of addiction will never understand that statement.  They will not understand that resisting an addiction is something one must try and do.  Those who have suffered with addiction, will understand.  It is all a matter of choice.  I chose to make the right choices for my family now.  I know what I have to live for.  I chose to live for them.

I wish everyone peace and happiness for 2016 and beyond.  I wish it most for my Erin.  I wish for the knowledge, strength and resolve to help in every way I can to give her that peace.

Good Night…

 

 

 

Anger, hate, scorn, distrust and lunch…..

She brought me lunch today.  She said she hates me but doesn’t want to see me starve.  It is the little things i live for now.

This weekend she left the bed and slept in our daughters room.  She said i make her skin crawl.  She has such immense mood swings now.  She can love me or hate me in an instant.  For a while now it has been hate.  

We did well for a week while i was away.  I had to go to Europe on business and i was so conscious about keeping in touch.  This trip was huge as i was alone.  Trust is non existant so it was challenging, i did everything i could to stay connected.  I think that trip used up all the positive energy because pretty much since she has been distant and anger.  I try and stay positive.  I look at lunch as her way of saying she loves me through the hate.  

I live for those moments.

Empty hearts

I feel shame today, I feel sadness, I feel loss, I feel guilt, I feel sorrow, I feel empty.

Take no pity on me as I deserve none.

I destroyed my wife….shattered her heart…..destroyed her reality.

I never understood the power of love and its’ power to do harm.  She loved me so completely and I had no fathom of that concept.  I did not deserve it.  If I understood love in the way I do now, I’d never have contemplated the things I did. 

I feel like i am a murder, i feel like i killed someone. In a way i did, i killed the carefree spirt in her. I killed her image that i would always be truthful, keep her safe and protected from harm. I killed all that.

Many time now when she is sad she will tell me how i was to be the one who was to keep her safe, to protect her. All the things i strive to do now i failed to do then.

I wish i could take it all back.

I don’t write much these days. I really should but it is hard to find the time.

“My heart is empty” she said to me recently. Erin is struggling more these days. She is tortured by all the things i have done. I wish i could do more to help but it seems nothing i do improves things for long. The triggers out way the changes. I try and stay strong. I stay close and experience the highs and lows. I struggle with just how completely i have affected our lives.

Every time i start to feel sorry for myself i think about erin and remember she has it worse. I think if she can endure and fight for us i have no right to give any less of myself. I watch every tear, i listen to every word of hate and anger. I accept all my punishments. I fight for us too in my own ways.

There are good days and bad. Just the other day she smiled at me and thanked me for all i do. She said i was amazing. She appreciates how i never once lost my patience, got defensive or argued with her. How i do everything i can around the house. How mindful i am of every word i use, every song that plays, everything…..

Her kindness fills my bucket.

She makes me lunch most days, even when she is not talking to me. Such little things mean so much to me now. A bit of soup, with crackers and a few slices of bread buttered can make my day. It is because she felt love at that moment and made me lunch.

However, It still does not stop the demons that haunt her, it cannot stop the triggers, the anger she feels or the emptiness. I only hope time helps heal those.

I worry about the future as does she.

I will never stop loving her….

Recognizing what i could have lost

Every day I think about what I could have lost. Every day i am thankful for the life i now have. I consciously stop what i am doing and appreciate where i am in that moment. I appreciate being able to look at my wife, knowing she loves me, knowing we are healing together and not apart. So much has fallen apart in my life but not my life. Our family business has gone under, my brother marriage is falling apart over the money which has been lost, my patents life savings was in the company and at 80+ years hard changes are coming. I am facing insecurity about my own abilities and choices and right now i am managing all this with the support of my wife and love of my family. I could be alone alienated by everyone, in a lonely apartment or condo only seeing my children every other weekend. I could be lost to addiction and never recover. I could be dead leaving my loved ones to suffer and question everything. By the immeasurable strength of my wife and her love for me which i could not begin to describe in depth, i am here, with her.

But i am here. I wake beside the most amazing woman i could ever imagine. We have a long way to go. She is still tortured daily, i watch her fall and see her pick herself up and keep going. She gives me strength to do the same.

She is my angel.

Not defending myself….just hoping to clarify.

My wife recently forwarded me this link:

http://www.google.comwww.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=547056

She often googles the blog to see where it is popping up on the web.  It has been an interesting journey so far and I am sometimes caught off guard on how what I have written is taken by other people. This blog was never intended for others.

I have come to respect all the opinions from anyone who has sent them.  I could never have fully understood what anyone in this situation goes through until I went through it myself so I don’t get defensive when I am hit with criticism.  I deserve everything I get as I am guilty.  I know that the pain from this stays raw in the hearts, minds and souls of those who are betrayed and in some cases in those who betray.  I believe I am one of those who are forever changed from my experience.

THE PERSON WROTE:

I wish he’d describe the personal recovery work he’s doing, rather than focus in how intent he is on waiting for his wife to come back” (which I read as “get over it”). His recent posts are about a year in, and superficial. He will start to describe, for example, a meditation seminar. How they sat down on mats. And then, it’s, “and after we were done…” Or an SA meeting–he describes the meeting, and concludes that SA is part of his personal equation. But he does not describe the process of recovery, the Steps, the work HE is doing, but rather turns the microscope (no, not microscope–it’s far too superficial; he’s not looking closely) on Erin.

It’s not just all “faith, love, hope, patience.”

He’s made it about his BS (and outcome), not his own journey. He’s made it about how he will wait for her.

It’s nice that he recognizes her work to R (though describing her angry emotional responses as “psychotic episodes” seems to exhibit a disconnect of some sort), but I’d like to see more of the deep personal work he’s doing. He’s not putting that out there. Instead, he’s displaying his BS. He’s making a mild gesture, creating a very public love letter (which would make me livid, given my own stbx’s tendency to gather ego kibbles and ignore the real work that needs to be done). It’s superficial and strikes me as cowardly. It makes me wonder whether he’s doing the work, or just waiting for Erin to “get over it,” putting in as little effort as he can.

Of course, this is JMO, based on my own experiences and projections. I wish he’d give more of the sense that he GETS it and is really doing the hard work to R. He says he’s working to help his wife heal. That won’t do her a bit of good if he doesn’t do the work he needs to heal. And if he’s attending his first SA meeting a year out and still describing her anger as “falling” and “psychotic episodes,” it does not seem he’s done the work.

I would like to help clarify what I believe is a misunderstanding about my blog and what I chose to write about in the hopes they see it for what it is. I started this not as a blog as all but a journal to myself.  The initial drafts of this was written in the 3rd person as if I was talking to myself.  My wife later converted this to the blog simply to make sure I never lost what I written in the event my computer crashed.  It seemed like a good idea at the time.  I have never published this blog, linked it in any forum or tried to gain exposure.  This was for me….to be able to look back and remember the thoughts, feelings and actions I took and more importantly how it affected my wife and the struggles we both had with this.  I can tell you now, that my mind was not always there in the earliest of times.  I really needed this to help me remember.

I continue writing for the same reason.  I’m not looking to educate people or use this blog for anything more than a record.  I would encourage the same from any spouse who has betrayed their loved ones.  Sometimes when Erin won’t talk to me she reads the blog and it helps.  You may have noticed I do not put specifics on here.  I do so for a simple reason.  I plan to keep this for ever to remind me.  Erin and I will revisit this and while she knows the painful truths of my betrayal, I do not want to inflict her with having to read them over and over.

These specific lines were among the most critical so I felt I wanted to address them:

It’s superficial and strikes me as cowardly. It makes me wonder whether he’s doing the work, or just waiting for Erin to “get over it,” putting in as little effort as he can.

I don’t understand how my blog can be interpreted as cowardly.  My life before, my lying, cheating and addiction was cowardly.  Equally, giving up, leaving and forgetting the damage I have caused, that would be cowardly.  Staying here, watching her break apart and come together and break apart, that has taken all the strength in my mind and body.  Letting go of my former identity and searching for any shred of a moral backbone, accepting faith in a high power as guidance and truly repenting for my past.  That has taken willpower, determination and love.  Struggling with the thoughts which race inside my head of all the wrong things I’ve done.  Struggling with the thoughts they’d all be better off if I was dead.  Realizing that even when it feels like you cannot go on, you must for the ones you love and then keeping that in your heart. This experience, for those offending souses who are truly sorry and truly remorseful, is also very tramatic however I will not attempt to compare it to what the betrayed spouse goes through.  We do have it much easier then them and even so it is life altering.

I am not waiting for Erin to “get over it”.  I do not intend the comments I make about doing the laundry, making lunches, cleaning or other things as trivial efforts to help her with her chores.  I spent years, even before I began my offending behaviour not truly understanding all the things my wife did. I took everything for granted. Now, she needs time to heal, to rest and to regain herself so I pour myself into the dozens of daily chores for several reasons. They give her time to heal, they show her I support her in needing that time and they allow me perspective on what I felt was trivial work. I can say after a year of making beds, doing laundry, making lunches, cleaning the house, vacuuming and more that those are rewarding tasks I’ve come to enjoy. I do them out of love in that she appreciates the extra time for her job and to relax when she can. I am not waiting for her, I am helping her in an indirect way.

As for the work I am doing, I likely could be more forthcoming but again I write this for me and as I do the work and discuss with Erin, I don’t often blog it. With that said, I have done a great deal of self evaluation, criticism, analysis and reflection. Not a day goes by that I don’t reflect on how wrong I have been and how much of everything I have wasted. Once you truly realize that you have been so completely wrong for so long it is pretty straight forward. I was “insert negative adjective” but am changing. I say I am changed but behaviour takes time to change and I will continue to be consistent on those changes.

I have accepted i am an addict in recovery. I read the books, I have worked some of the steps between my job and responsibilities. I am appreciating the little things and trying very hard to stay positive even when my wife overtly hates my guts.

I am not waiting….I am doing, hoping and praying.

I am also not defending myself. I do not wish to argue but inform so I hope this is taken with the humility, humble and genuine nature that it is intended. I truly can understand how all betrayed spouses can see the most well intentioned comments from someone like me as defending or belittling a betrayed spouses’ efforts but that is not me.

I read several blogs from betrayed spouses and i feel for them as i can understand through what i have seen in my wife. I find it nothing short of a miracle the strength, character, love, spirit, compassion, kindness, caring and patience my wife has shown while experiencing all this pain. I can assure you all she has endured far more than I have even begun to describe.

Lastly and I will leave you with this, as I reread the post which prompted this I also came to the conclusion of another not insignificant point of this blog. I do hope people who are on the verge of considering betraying their partner to be able to read first hand what the damage can be like. Perhaps it will give them pause to face their own shortcomings and think twice.

For your consideration….I now turn my thoughts back to my primary purpose of repairing my life, my wife and myself.

Listening to the tears of pain

It often happens at night, it catches her off guard, she will be having a shower or getting ready for bed. The distractions of the day subside and she is defenceless against her own mind. I will be sitting at my desk praying for her to get through one shower. Then I hear it, faint at first, not clear enough to be sure but it often grows to a hysterical painful cry. My heart sinks in those moments with me often praying for peace within her. I am not getting impatient but I pray for her peace soon. She is tired of this heavy burden I’ve set upon her.

Tonight is one of those night. Lately when she falls, she falls hard. We were at a local store with our youngest . We were discussing light fixtures and I had remembered one at another store so I was about to pull it up on my iPhone as I walked around the corner. In an instant a trigger hit her and her eyes became as wide as a wild animal. She shook and had a look of madness upon her. I wanted to rush to her, to hold her, to comfort her but history suggests let her come back on her own. I put the phone away and just waited. We finished shopping and came home.

Later in the evening she showed my an image of a sigh.

IMG_0417.JPG

Imaging only a few short hours before her mind attacked her with images triggering her and now she has the urge to embrace me and show me this sign. A gift to be sure.

However only a few short minutes ago did she collapse on the bathroom floor triggered yet again.

She is fighting for us as much as I fight am. Sometimes we have different battles on the way to winning this war.

I love her for trying.

Life speaks to me.

I have returned home from the second of two business trips this month. This one was longer than the last. I’ve taken on so many roles at home that it puts a great deal of strain on Erin when I travel. On the plane home I was watching a movie and there was a moment in the movie where it all came flooding back. I often have those moments where life speaks to me through a picture, a song or a scene in a film. As I sit and write this I cannot actually remember what it was but I know it moved me at the time. It seems I am now capable of listening to what life is willing to tell me. I wonder now if it was talking to me before and I was too self involved to hear or am i so profoundly changed that I am now willing to listen. I don ‘t really know the answer but I am humbled by the messages.

Life is still a day by day challenge. I strive to focus on my family and keep trying to do my best for Erin. When I feel lacking somehow life finds a way to help me up. When I am up life also finds a way to remind me of my journey and brings me back down to where I belong.

I know what I am fighting for so I keep working, hoping and praying for my Erin.