I have been neglecting this blog but my heart is heavy tonight so I thought i’d visit an old friend.
I’ll start by saying we were doing well. There were challenges but overall I think we were doing well although the past is never very far from either of our minds. We are approaching D day Plus 2 years. Like I said….we were doing well. Erin still has daily triggers or her mind wandered to the past but she was managing it and I was still doing a great deal to help. I had been traveling some and work has been very stressful. Not a few days ago she told me she will always love me. Today there is silence……
It’s only taken 2 simple, careless and incorrect words to put us back 2 years. Thursday she got this message in her Facebook IM from an anonymous person. 2 words which might be my end. “He’s cheating”. They are referring to me of course or at least that is what she believes. I was out all day taking my bosses to meet my most important client. The morning had started off ok and she told me to “kick ass”. Around lunch I started to get the impression something was up. She had stopped responding. That is always a sign of a negative, perhaps she was triggered or simply hates when I am out of the house. Truth be told I hate leaving the house as it is a strain on her. So when I got home around 10 I found her on the couch staring into space. I sat down and she asked for my phone. I handed it over as I always do now. There is nothing to hide in it so I sit not worried. Sometimes she just does that to feel better. Then I was hit with it. Who is “blank”. I pause to be sure of the answer. I tell her I don’t know that name. I asked why and she tells me that this person sent her a message from the Facebook IM function under the unknown senders. Her facebook page is blank. There is only a name and the message sitting haunting us like a ghost. Erin was devastated. She has had every memory from D Day come flooding back like a giant tsunami wiping us out.
For the record, I have been not only sexually faithful but emotionally faithful. I have not even once typed the word “crai*&%list” and I won’t now. I don’t text, talk or look at another woman in an inappropriate way. I have not been in contact with anyone from my past nor do I want too. I am the happiest I’ve ever been. I am present for my family, I am appreciating the little things I took for granted. I have shed the weight of the guilt and shame which fueled my cycle of addiction. I am not a cheater anymore and there is the crux of my problem. Why would anyone, including erin believe me given my past. This is what I am struggling with tonight. I feel in some way that I have earned this and will never truly free myself from the label and the past. No matter how hard I try, how much I show her that I understand what I have done and how sorry I am, it only takes the tiny seed or doubt to wipe it all away.
So now this one careless act could jeopardize everything I’ve worked so hard to fix. I don’t know what has prompted this message but I do know, in this case, it cannot be true. I am “not cheating” but how do you prove something that isn’t. How do I confront someone who anonymously comments like that. It’s turned the world upside down again. She feel empty again as she did in the early days, It isn’t that I have or haven’t cheated, it is that I did once and this is another reminder putting doubts in her mind. This brings back the memories of discovery after discover of my behaviour. To her, it must be more believable that I am cheating than I have been faithful. That’s the part that hurts the most. I think she was starting to believe that my love was real and I had changed. What is she to believe now?
I have some theory’s on who and why they did this. I plan on tracking down the person as she has left some breadcrumbs to follow. I have no fear confronting her. I will let the weekend pass and then I will present to Erin we both confront the person. There was a time I would have just hidden but not now. Now I have my the truth behind me. The truth I have worked very hard to earn. I am faithful. I am not a cheater anymore.
For now, I sit in silence waiting for my chance to prove I am not guilty. I just fear it will be easier for her to not let me and just give up. After all, how much can one person take.