It has been 4 days now since Erin triggered and shut down. When she triggers, I trigger. Make no mistake, i am not comparing the two triggers. They are not comparable however the reality for me is still here. Everything is like a amplifier to life. One thing this recent trigger has done is remind me how I need to stay connected to her. How many missed moments to kiss her, to hold her hand, to cuddle with her……how much I want to stay connected to her. It also has reminded me how fragile and fleeting life can be. I sit typing this and all I want to do is run downstairs and hold her, feel her warmth and feel safe. She is my safe place. But I cannot….
I have been told to stay away, stay out of her way. There is only distance right now and I feel it. I want to run and run and run to close that gap, to close the distance. For me, the only way to close the distance is too wait, to be patient and hope she comes back.
This distance has been bitter sweet. It has given me time to re-read my blog and learn from it. It has reminded me to not waste the time we have. Lately with everything on my plate, I have neglected the opportunities to just sit with her, to hold her hand and to connect. Why does it take events like this to remind you to stop and smell the roses? I will never know…..
I recently watched a movie and the line above was at the end. I stared to cry….
“No matter how much you change, you still have to pay for what you’ve done.”
Why does that line create so much fear in me? It is because times like this remind me I can still lose everything. I can still lose her. I fear losing her because after all we have been through it has taught me, I was exactly where I was meant to be and just did not realize it. That seems to be right when life will take it from you.
I miss you and love you Erin. I’d love to just hold you again one day and until then I will be standing here waiting for you.
I am back to visit my old friend….this blog. I have not visited it in some time. For those who have followed my story you might remember I come here when I feel alone or sad. I come here because I have nowhere and nobody else to turn too. So I write what is in my mind and often in my heart.
Recently we marked 4 years from D-day. This is always a stressful time of year. She struggles with it but I know. We had been doing well this year. Life had been busy but I though we had. The reality of infidelity and the recovery process is that it is a long hard process. Things can come out of nowhere and set it back. I think that is one of the hardest parts.
This morning I sit and write on the 3rd day of sleeping alone. The trigger she encountered was unexpected and I can only imagine the waves of anger, frustration and disgust that came back. The trigger was out of my control and just happened Christmas shopping with my daughter but by way of ownership and blame all triggers are my fault as connected to my wrongdoings. I get it, I accept it. It is just hard…..
I must remind myself that Erin’s journey back is harder.
I love my wife. I love my family. I am trying every day to put just one piece of her heart back. Just a few weeks ago Erin had told me what a great husband she had. That is the way this works. Good times and bad. I am in awe of the immense strength she has to endure the swings. All I want to do is look into her beautiful eyes, to hold her in a warm embrace. To go for a walk , holding her hand. She is my best friend. Right now, I can do none of those things. I am to stay away from here. I do what she asks, I try and lessen her burden and hope she sees the good in me once again.
So I sit here as she processes the feelings, the anger and hatred which she feels for the man I was. I sit and hope that she remembers the man I have tried to become these 4 years. I just sit and wait to see if she cone back.
I wanted to write this post for some time now but had not found the time to sit down and focus on it.
In early December, marked 3 years from the initial discovery. My blog documented much of the first year recording the struggles and success of our healing process. It has been a long journey and filled with many emotions. Typically I fear any milestone or special occasion as it often came with Erin falling into depression over the past. The D-day milestone being among the hardest. Only hard work and genuine commitment to your family can help heal wounds. Love is powerful.