I had been keeping things from my wife. Even with all I have experienced i was still keeping pieces of my past secret. I realize now it was because i did not have the courage to risk things yet. After everything we have been thru I can only explain it like that. I needed to have the physical and mental strength to do it.
For anyone who is reading this, i can tell you it is way better to come out with everything right away and for most of us who have cheated, it is the hardest thing to do. We fear the next detail of what we have done will be our last. I feared it but i now see, through my experiences that the truth is what my wife needs most, to help her heal. I have seen the greatest healing steps forward after I’ve had the courage to tell my wife the things she needs to know.
Up until Saturday i only was able to share those details after my lies had been u covered. I had lived so much of my life lying that it took a punch in the face to change that but even then the truth came out in pieces. I told her things if she asked me or someone else offered the information which I needed to comment on. I had owned up too so much but not everything.
Saturday we had a therapist appointment, after, we were planning to go to our trailer for the night, just the two of us. I had planned on telling her during our last appointment but it didn’t happen. I think what helped me this time were 2 things which happened this week.
The week started rough with distance and anger on Monday. She asked for more details which I offered some and she wondered if she knew everything. She told me that she hoped it came out now and not in 10 years. Who knows how far she’d be set back if significant details surfaced after significant healing had happened.
The second thing that happened was we took a vulnerability test. It is a series of 200 questions designed to gauge your vulnerability to having an affair. You answer as of before the affair started. We went thru it question by question Thursday night and I answered it. We were surprised with my score,”extreme risk”. In talking, she realized more how distant I had felt, how alone, depressed and absent from the family. I am not justifying it but the answers helped her heal in a way. We had a good few days until saturday.
So the appointment came. Finally I was too take the step of telling her about a lie from further back. A lie which may have remained hidden forever or could be exposed at any second. I have know for some time I needed to tell her about this but I was looking for the right time. There is no right time.. Either she was positive and I could not take that away from her or she had fallen and I was afraid it would do more damage. There is no perfect time.
In reality I was not ready. I needed time to heal enough to have the courage and strength to go thru with it. So I wrote it all down and during our appointment I asked for 5 min with the therapist. I told her about my letter and asked her to help. She told me what I needed to hear. She reminded me I did not have the right to control what happens. If my wife heals and choses to stay it is her choice but I cannot force that.
I also knew that it had to be now , you see my wife is attending a healing seminar for betrayed spouses this weekend put on by a couple who helps couples who want to stay and work on their marriage. I believed strongly that I needed to correct the lies I had told years ago before she went. I believe as part of her healing journey she needed this now. I was terrified. It took all of my courage to finish my letter. I was shaking and crying and my body hurt from the stress.
As I wrote in my letter too her, ” I have risked everything for others and put them in front of my family, now I must find the courage and strength to risk it all again to help you heal.” So I told her. These lies spanned 4 years.
Initial reaction were obvious but what was unexpected was what happened after. We finished our appointment and started driving the 1.5 hours too our trailer. She took the time too process what she had just found out. She asked the occasional question but was mostly silent and cried.
But then she did something amazing. She put on a song. A song from our journey thru this ordeal. A song to reassure me, to speak too me.
A thousand years by Christina Perri
I broke down with a combination of joy, relief, love and sadness. After all I have put her thru she still loves me. She saw today as one step closer. We spent the rest of the afternoon and evening talking, holding each other, kissing and healing. It was peaceful there. We made love and slept in, rejuvenating ourselves a little. It was amazing. We still have an ocean too cross but we’ve begun together. I had wished time could stand still at that moment. It cannot….