Monthly Archives: April 2014

Sadness still lives here

I did not sleep well last night. We had a good day and had plans to “cuddle” which we do often now. She went for a shower and was gone long. When she returned she sat on the bed in a way which I recognized as “I want to talk” so I sat up.

She told me she felt I am getting too comfortable. She told me of the struggles of her two sides. She spoke of her thoughts which she hides from me. Her thoughts when she is sad about how she just wants too take our daughter and go….anywhere to escape this life. Somewhere she doesn’t have to see me or think about what I have done. Escape this trap she is in. These feelings happen when she is sad . She told me she ‘d have to have the same feelings of wanting to leave when she is happy, then she’d know what too do. I admire her strength in telling me these difficult things. It takes courage to tell me this and some to hear them as well.

I feel numb this morning. How much we have swapped roles. I was the one uncertain about life before, the one not sure if I wanted to be here or not. I have handed her reason to not want to be in this life and now all I want with my complete soul is a life with her. How ironic my life has become. How sad. I thought briefly this morning of leaving to lessen her pain and take the burden of breaking up the family on my shoulders but I still believe the best chance to help us both heal is by staying. I know I cannot help my wife from a far. It pains her to look at me but when she is up we are amazing. The brightest example of love and devotion. So I WILL endure for her and hope she has the strength to stay.

She said sorry after she told me her feelings. I told her not to be sorry. She has nothing to be sorry about. She did nothing wrong. I told her that I know that in spite of all I am doing the reality is it ma not be enough to help heal her. I have known for some time that she is on the fence.

They say that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved before. All I can say us I have never experienced love than I have in the past 5 months. That I did not realize the depth and power of my love. I will cherish the time I have with her and if She cannot heal I will accept my fate as I alone created it. I love my wife but must admit to myself that it is possible that the only way she am be happy may be without me.

I am sorry I failed you Erin.

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Inch by inch

I have been absent from my blog as of late. Spring has come and there is much work to be done. I am still working as hard as I can on my life, my wife and now add in the yard.

Inch by inch life seems to be stabilizing. My wife has good days and bad days. She is experiencing some wonderful moments with the help if her “sisters” from her healing weekend away. She can trigger herself so unexpectedly but I have noticed the time she spends dwelling on the past is less. It shows a great strength to will yourself out of that moment. Friday night this past weekend she went to bed mad and sad, she woke up the same but a song from a friend helped her see sitting in bed is not the solution. It still took her most of the day too come around and hug me, I waited patiently and it was so worth it.

I had worked my ass off all weekend. I pulled stumps, cut trees ( almost knocked myself off the roof as a falling tree limb hit me hard in the face), painted and cleaned from 8 am until dusk each day. Last night she offered me a back rub. I gladly took it and it was the most amazing massage I’ve ever received.

I am very hopeful these days. I still fall when she falls but have more strength to wait her out, to support her. We have changed so much in our lives. We are so in love. Life is good right now but a storm can still hit at any time. We are actively building a shelter so we can survive anything as long as we have each other.

Inch by inch we are fighting our way back.

Happy birthday

My birthday passed recently. I was apprehensive and really felt like I did not deserve a birthday celebration. I remember offering it to my wife wishing I could give it to her as I am sure she did not enjoy hers back in February. Leading up to it she asked what I wanted for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It is our “thing” to pamper the person who’s birthday it is. I felt like I didn’t deserve being pampered so I made no special requests but the basics. She also told me that she had not purchased me anything significant for my birthday, I smiled and said I already have what I wanted for my birthday. I had her and that was all the present I needed.

The day started with sleeping in which I needed badly. I have not slept well and am run down. Overall the day was pleasant, only a few moments where my wife fell. She had put too much pressure on herself to make it perfect and when she fell it made her sad compounding the problem. I did my best to ease her concerns.

Dinner with just the kids was what I had asked for. I did not want the whole extended family as with past birthdays. We had just had Easter dinner with a larger group and it is torture for my wife as she has to pretend she is happy. She calls it “acting for the audience”, because no one in our family knows.

That evening the kids gave me a few fun presents for “dad” and a cake. All in all a nice birthday.

Bed time came and as we lay in bed my wife hopped up and started digging under the bed. She produced a large wrapped frame.

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The image is of a heart, made up of a thousand tiny coloured fragments. She created it for me. My wife spent hours working on it. In some of the fragments she wrote words from our healing journey. Such powerful words fill the broken pieces of her heart. She wrote words like love, strength, hope, best friends, truth, kiss, happy, honesty, together. She created the artwork after her weekend away at the “Take Your Life Back” experience. She has struggled greatly at times but has found new strength and ways to bring herself back from those depths of sadness.

I love the picture for the many things it tells me. As she has explained it, she sees it as the pieces of her heart slowly coming back together as I work so very hard to heal the wounds that I have caused. It tells me she loves me and is trying to come back to me. It also says we have a long way to go because the heart is broken in so many pieces, but we are going down that path together.

My birthday present hangs in our bedroom, where we can keep it private and I can start and end my day looking at the wonderful gift she made me.

Taking her life back

Last Tuesday my wife surprised me again with her strength. She did something which took amazing strength and was helped by a lesson/skill she learned at the recent 3 day retreat she was at.

When I had the affair, the whore was in my SUV…for travel and yes, for sex in parking lots. When my wife learned about that she asked (told) me to sell it, and I sold it within days.

We also have a 2 seater sports car that only sees the summer months. When the whore contacted my wife on facebook back in February my wife asked her if she ever went in the car…. She said “yes, twice”…so when my wife confronted me about it, i said “I’ll sell it immediately.” She suggested waiting for spring when more buyers would be looking. The car has hidden in the garage under a cover awaiting the weather to allow for it to be sold. So, here’s what happened:

Tuesday night after the kids were in bed Erin snuck in the garage and pulled the car into the driveway. (She told our 17 year old he was babysitting for a while, mom had to take dad out for a drive). She asked me to come downstairs, and she handed me my coat. I was confused when she led me outside and i saw the car running. She opened the passenger door and said “let’s go”. We got in and she took both my hands and said this to me: “This is our car. I am in MY seat. This has ALWAYS been my spot. I have decided that our amazing memories of going out in this car WILL NOT be overshadowed by that little piece of nasty who sat her nastiness in this car. You made bad choices then, but that was then. Here we are, in the present, loving our new life together. I choose to be better, not bitter. And I want to go out now, together, to make new memories, where we belong.” The look on my face was of absolute amazement and adoration. I said, “Where has this change of heart come from?” She said, “my weekend, my sisters and my new found love and excitment to take my life, and my seat, back.” My eyes welled up with tears and I said “You are the most amazing woman. I love you forever.” ….and, we sped off, holding hands, feeling incredible. ………

She explained how on the weekend retreat she learned about “taking back her life”. She learned about how she can gain confidence and a renewed sense of self thru various steps of healing. One such step is finding ways to “take back her life”. She had decided that among other things she was going too take back the memories of this car from the images in her head. We drove and talked, we parked and talked, I cried as she told me things and we hugged. It was amazing to see her strength and determination as she struggled to overcome what I have done too her. I am in awe of this woman who loves me after all I have done.

She is slowly taking her life back.

She returned home

She returned home stronger than when she left. I can see it in her. The experiences she has related to me and the friendships she has gained have all strengthened her. I just spent the last few hours listening to her. She has come home tired but energized. While she was away I put an extra effort to get the jobs done she wanted. I worked my ass off and I am also exhausted.

I don’t know what the longterm of this weekend will be but I am hopeful. She seems to have been empowered. I think I will sleep well tonight having my wife in bed next to me.

2nd night away -updated

Heard from her less today. She sounds like she is doing well. I cannot help but be apprehensive as we’ve been so connected up to this point. She finished at 10 but she only texted me about 11:00. She is sitting with a group of girls. I guess she feels some connection with them, feels a support I cannot give. I am thankful for that. I had hoped to hear her voice and say goodnight but I guess I won ‘t. I am glad she is doing this, finding a way to heal. I shouldn’t feel alone right now. I shouldn’t feel scared but I do.

My daughter decided to come for a sleepover with daddy so I am going to go listen to her breathe and try and think positive.

*update – she called not 5 min after I posted this. She is exhausted but feeling good. .

Her first night away

My wife has left the house for 3 days. She is attending a seminar, a retreat, a healing for betrayed spouses. I have caused my wife to need this. I am ashamed and proud at the same time. She is fighting alone to come back to me and I am fighting to get her back. It is a daily, sometimes hourly struggle we face.

She is with 15 others all of whom had their spouses, loved ones rip their lives apart as I did to my Erin. I just spoke to her on the phone as she is heading to bed. She sounded good but tired. I hope she sleeps well. I miss her.

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Silence

Sometimes I wish she would just yell at me so i could hear her voice. It is the hours of silence which is the worst. Hours where I don’t exist.

I speak only when absolutely necessary during her distant times. I hide from her view, I keep my head down and just try to blend into the walls. I work my ass off doing the laundry, dishes, lunches for the kids and anything else I can find.

I will never make up for what I have done but i want to never stop trying.

When she is distant I miss her so and I could be 5 feet from her.

I hope to be permitted to hug her soon.

Finding the courage to risk “us” to help her.

I had been keeping things from my wife. Even with all I have experienced i was still keeping pieces of my past secret. I realize now it was because i did not have the courage to risk things yet. After everything we have been thru I can only explain it like that. I needed to have the physical and mental strength to do it.

For anyone who is reading this, i can tell you it is way better to come out with everything right away and for most of us who have cheated, it is the hardest thing to do. We fear the next detail of what we have done will be our last. I feared it but i now see, through my experiences that the truth is what my wife needs most, to help her heal. I have seen the greatest healing steps forward after I’ve had the courage to tell my wife the things she needs to know.

Up until Saturday i only was able to share those details after my lies had been u covered. I had lived so much of my life lying that it took a punch in the face to change that but even then the truth came out in pieces. I told her things if she asked me or someone else offered the information which I needed to comment on. I had owned up too so much but not everything.

Saturday we had a therapist appointment, after, we were planning to go to our trailer for the night, just the two of us. I had planned on telling her during our last appointment but it didn’t happen. I think what helped me this time were 2 things which happened this week.

The week started rough with distance and anger on Monday. She asked for more details which I offered some and she wondered if she knew everything. She told me that she hoped it came out now and not in 10 years. Who knows how far she’d be set back if significant details surfaced after significant healing had happened.

The second thing that happened was we took a vulnerability test. It is a series of 200 questions designed to gauge your vulnerability to having an affair. You answer as of before the affair started. We went thru it question by question Thursday night and I answered it. We were surprised with my score,”extreme risk”. In talking, she realized more how distant I had felt, how alone, depressed and absent from the family. I am not justifying it but the answers helped her heal in a way. We had a good few days until saturday.

So the appointment came. Finally I was too take the step of telling her about a lie from further back. A lie which may have remained hidden forever or could be exposed at any second. I have know for some time I needed to tell her about this but I was looking for the right time. There is no right time.. Either she was positive and I could not take that away from her or she had fallen and I was afraid it would do more damage. There is no perfect time.

In reality I was not ready. I needed time to heal enough to have the courage and strength to go thru with it. So I wrote it all down and during our appointment I asked for 5 min with the therapist. I told her about my letter and asked her to help. She told me what I needed to hear. She reminded me I did not have the right to control what happens. If my wife heals and choses to stay it is her choice but I cannot force that.

I also knew that it had to be now , you see my wife is attending a healing seminar for betrayed spouses this weekend put on by a couple who helps couples who want to stay and work on their marriage. I believed strongly that I needed to correct the lies I had told years ago before she went. I believe as part of her healing journey she needed this now. I was terrified. It took all of my courage to finish my letter. I was shaking and crying and my body hurt from the stress.

As I wrote in my letter too her, ” I have risked everything for others and put them in front of my family, now I must find the courage and strength to risk it all again to help you heal.” So I told her. These lies spanned 4 years.

Initial reaction were obvious but what was unexpected was what happened after. We finished our appointment and started driving the 1.5 hours too our trailer. She took the time too process what she had just found out. She asked the occasional question but was mostly silent and cried.

But then she did something amazing. She put on a song. A song from our journey thru this ordeal. A song to reassure me, to speak too me.

A thousand years by Christina Perri

I broke down with a combination of joy, relief, love and sadness. After all I have put her thru she still loves me. She saw today as one step closer. We spent the rest of the afternoon and evening talking, holding each other, kissing and healing. It was peaceful there. We made love and slept in, rejuvenating ourselves a little. It was amazing. We still have an ocean too cross but we’ve begun together. I had wished time could stand still at that moment. It cannot….

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