It has been 4 days now since Erin triggered and shut down. When she triggers, I trigger. Make no mistake, i am not comparing the two triggers. They are not comparable however the reality for me is still here. Everything is like a amplifier to life. One thing this recent trigger has done is remind me how I need to stay connected to her. How many missed moments to kiss her, to hold her hand, to cuddle with her……how much I want to stay connected to her. It also has reminded me how fragile and fleeting life can be. I sit typing this and all I want to do is run downstairs and hold her, feel her warmth and feel safe. She is my safe place. But I cannot….
I have been told to stay away, stay out of her way. There is only distance right now and I feel it. I want to run and run and run to close that gap, to close the distance. For me, the only way to close the distance is too wait, to be patient and hope she comes back.
This distance has been bitter sweet. It has given me time to re-read my blog and learn from it. It has reminded me to not waste the time we have. Lately with everything on my plate, I have neglected the opportunities to just sit with her, to hold her hand and to connect. Why does it take events like this to remind you to stop and smell the roses? I will never know…..
I recently watched a movie and the line above was at the end. I stared to cry….
“No matter how much you change, you still have to pay for what you’ve done.”
Why does that line create so much fear in me? It is because times like this remind me I can still lose everything. I can still lose her. I fear losing her because after all we have been through it has taught me, I was exactly where I was meant to be and just did not realize it. That seems to be right when life will take it from you.
I miss you and love you Erin. I’d love to just hold you again one day and until then I will be standing here waiting for you.
I am back to visit my old friend….this blog. I have not visited it in some time. For those who have followed my story you might remember I come here when I feel alone or sad. I come here because I have nowhere and nobody else to turn too. So I write what is in my mind and often in my heart.
Recently we marked 4 years from D-day. This is always a stressful time of year. She struggles with it but I know. We had been doing well this year. Life had been busy but I though we had. The reality of infidelity and the recovery process is that it is a long hard process. Things can come out of nowhere and set it back. I think that is one of the hardest parts.
This morning I sit and write on the 3rd day of sleeping alone. The trigger she encountered was unexpected and I can only imagine the waves of anger, frustration and disgust that came back. The trigger was out of my control and just happened Christmas shopping with my daughter but by way of ownership and blame all triggers are my fault as connected to my wrongdoings. I get it, I accept it. It is just hard…..
I must remind myself that Erin’s journey back is harder.
I love my wife. I love my family. I am trying every day to put just one piece of her heart back. Just a few weeks ago Erin had told me what a great husband she had. That is the way this works. Good times and bad. I am in awe of the immense strength she has to endure the swings. All I want to do is look into her beautiful eyes, to hold her in a warm embrace. To go for a walk , holding her hand. She is my best friend. Right now, I can do none of those things. I am to stay away from here. I do what she asks, I try and lessen her burden and hope she sees the good in me once again.
So I sit here as she processes the feelings, the anger and hatred which she feels for the man I was. I sit and hope that she remembers the man I have tried to become these 4 years. I just sit and wait to see if she cone back.
Erin…while I am away, I wanted to tell you how much I depend on you, how much I miss you, how much I love you. What we have become is a source of strength, energy and peace for me. I cherish every moment, every hug, every smile and every night beside you. I could never have understood the power of love, for how it can strengthen me to endure what life brings. Your support gives me the ability to shed much of the worry about the future as you would support me and our family no matter what hardships we are faced with. You feel as I do, as long as we remain connected and support each other, nothing else matters. You have no idea how comforting that makes me feel.
I am about to start my journey back home to you. I am so thankful for you and cannot wait to see you. To feel your warmth….I will be home to you soon my love.
I have returned tonight to visit my old friend, my blog. I had been away from it which is often a sign that things are ok. I usually don’t have time to blog when we are good because I am always near her or working hard to do something for her. She notices everything and appreciates the efforts I make. Those efforts make me feel like I am putting her heart back together one shard at a time.
So here I am tonight because I am alone. I am alone because she did not want to be near me. As she often did in the early days of discovery, she has gone out without letting me know where, when she will return or any other detail. I don’t ask. Asking would infuriate her as she is in full hate right now and any attempt from me would be harshly met. Perhaps the eyes full of hate, perhaps the spiteful words of comparison to my past selfishness. Neither of us need that so I just clean the house or do the laundry and wait. I try to not analyse the current or recent Erin. She has changed so much and so many times that trying to figure out if this is the final version of her is pointless. She sometimes talks of wanting to be on her own. She talks of death or more to the point, driving into oncoming traffic. She talks of her hate and her pain. One a dime she can switch to love and hope. One of the most challenging things about this process is the uncertainty. We could be in mid conversation with everything fine, then a hidden trigger will surface and I’ll make a seemingly harmless interjection only to be met with a fiery bitterness which takes me so aback that my heart will literally skip a beat and stopped for a split second. I am still capable to centering myself in those moments and realize that she is not talking to the ME of now but the ME I was. As a volcano, with immense smoldering lava underneath, she must let off steam from time to time to avoid the catastrophic eruption which changes landscapes forever. Yesterday was one of those times and now is when the lava is slowly flowing down the side and cooling.
I remarked to myself today, it had been almost a month since she has communicated love to me either in speech or text. I saw her last text of love in early march. I try to tell her daily or show her in little efforts. I was remarking recently that I really never new love as I do now, never understood it. Like a child who has learned his times tables finally getting quantum theory. I just never was exposed to or understood love or life as I do now. I wonder if anyone can without experiencing a life altering event. I suspect they would say they do and I would challenge them in that I doubt until you cross that threshold, you can never truly understand. I liken it to having a child. Single people who don’t have kids, can never understand. They will say they do but those who have kids know different. Similarly, I remark that nobody who hasn’t broken a heart can truly understand the weight of that responsibility. I am not looking for sympathy as even if I got it, I’d look upon it with disgust. I write these things as a warning to those others how hold he heart of another too carelessly as I did. Find a way to understand the awesome gift love from another is and cherish it as I do now. It is a gift I have paid dearly for and will not squander again.
SO I sit and read blogs. I wait to see if Erin will in fact come back to me tonight. A million thoughts go through my mind and it is my hope and love for my family which keeps me going.
My thoughts and prayers for all those impacted by infidelity. Both offender and innocent….I know you both are suffering.
I love you Erin.
It doesn’t feel like a new year, certainly not a happy one. A few days ago Erin triggered hard and she has been distant. I don’t know exactly what triggered her, in that, know a little but didn’t go digging. The source of the triggers are the same. My infidelity is after all the cause of all the triggers.
So 2016 has come with few words spoken between us and of those, only the necessary. I miss her. We have shared some amazing moments this past year. I wish to hold her and tell her how much I am looking forward to 2016, 2017 and beyond. I know it will take work and strength to get there. I find times like these stretch my faith. I wonder if this is the time she doesn’t come back. Everything she has endured so far should assure me that we can get through this but negative emotions are as much human nature as is love, hope and faith. I try and push them out of my head but it is hard. I keep trying….I keep working.
I’ve started to read blogs again. I needed a break. It is hard to read about all the pain others are suffering when I can see if every day in the one i love. So many people suffering. I wonder if their offending partners are suffering too. I have some strange thoughts and realizations which I am sure most people won’t care about. For those who have been offending partners I wonder if they are quietly suffering as I am. Nobody cares about how I feel, how the pain of what I have done is eating me alive. Most of the time I don’t even care about my own pain, only what I can do to help Erin. Nothing I do for myself helps. The only thing which lifts my heart is an act of kindness from her. It is a vulnerable feeling. Erin has still remained silent to our friends and family about my actions. A burden which weighs heavy on her at times as references and triggers are everywhere. She has her “Sisters” from her support group. I am thankful of that. She believes silence is better than the alternative of everyone walking on eggshells around her and treating her like a wounded animal. All my efforts go toward helping her with her burdens. I support her where I can. I will never be able to repay her for the gifts she has granted me. The moments of love she has shown, the renewed awareness of my family, my children and just how wonderful she is.
I don’t write much here. I don’t have much new to add to this journey. We are still on it and it is a struggle from day to day. I also find that I don’t like putting all my thoughts on here. I don’t want to give in to the negative emotions. I am staying strong, as strong as someone can be given what I have done. Regret, guilt and shame are powerful enemies. I take solace in my ability to break myself of my addiction. I will always be an addict, I know that. It is not something you are cured of. But it is something which can be controlled. People who don’t have the struggle of addiction will never understand that statement. They will not understand that resisting an addiction is something one must try and do. Those who have suffered with addiction, will understand. It is all a matter of choice. I chose to make the right choices for my family now. I know what I have to live for. I chose to live for them.
I wish everyone peace and happiness for 2016 and beyond. I wish it most for my Erin. I wish for the knowledge, strength and resolve to help in every way I can to give her that peace.
She brought me lunch today. She said she hates me but doesn’t want to see me starve. It is the little things i live for now.
This weekend she left the bed and slept in our daughters room. She said i make her skin crawl. She has such immense mood swings now. She can love me or hate me in an instant. For a while now it has been hate.
We did well for a week while i was away. I had to go to Europe on business and i was so conscious about keeping in touch. This trip was huge as i was alone. Trust is non existant so it was challenging, i did everything i could to stay connected. I think that trip used up all the positive energy because pretty much since she has been distant and anger. I try and stay positive. I look at lunch as her way of saying she loves me through the hate.
I live for those moments.
It often happens at night, it catches her off guard, she will be having a shower or getting ready for bed. The distractions of the day subside and she is defenceless against her own mind. I will be sitting at my desk praying for her to get through one shower. Then I hear it, faint at first, not clear enough to be sure but it often grows to a hysterical painful cry. My heart sinks in those moments with me often praying for peace within her. I am not getting impatient but I pray for her peace soon. She is tired of this heavy burden I’ve set upon her.
Tonight is one of those night. Lately when she falls, she falls hard. We were at a local store with our youngest . We were discussing light fixtures and I had remembered one at another store so I was about to pull it up on my iPhone as I walked around the corner. In an instant a trigger hit her and her eyes became as wide as a wild animal. She shook and had a look of madness upon her. I wanted to rush to her, to hold her, to comfort her but history suggests let her come back on her own. I put the phone away and just waited. We finished shopping and came home.
Later in the evening she showed my an image of a sigh.
Imaging only a few short hours before her mind attacked her with images triggering her and now she has the urge to embrace me and show me this sign. A gift to be sure.
However only a few short minutes ago did she collapse on the bathroom floor triggered yet again.
She is fighting for us as much as I fight am. Sometimes we have different battles on the way to winning this war.
I love her for trying.
A letter to Erin:
Thank you for the past few days. It has been amazing connecting with you. It has been a relief of the weight of the shame , guilt and regret I now carry. I know it is often only a temporarily relief but a welcome one.
Spending those nights making love with you, holding you, falling asleep against you. Those moments when you truly love me with your entire being, those are what fuel me to keep enduring my burden….to keep fighting for us. You give me hope.
I know you have fallen tonight as is sometimes the case these days but I will wait for you. I will work for you to lift the pressures of everyday life as best as I can. I will comfort you from near or far as your mood permits. I will pick you up when you fall and I will love you forever.
Thank you for loving me.
A letter for my heart and soul….my Erin.
I will wait for you
We had a good day. She started off down this morning as last night she had fallen. Throughout the day I took little opportunities to connect with her. I worked on our bedroom. I am completely redoing it to make it a clean, fresh and safe place for us. Too many bad memories lingered in the old one so every scrap of furniture gone, every surface painted and a whole new look. It has taken me a few weekends but it is close. This weekend she went shopping with the girls and while I worked she purchased this.
It is remarkable how she looks for thing to help us heal. The star and the word hope was very present I. The early days as you may have read . She has many days where hate is strong but through all of that hate she holds onto hope as do I.
It is now late evening where I am and I am finishing this as she lays here beside me. It was a good day. My hope is for several more where this one came from.
It has been a rough week but there have been bright sides. I got my first hug in over a week. It felt amazing. She was struggling today as she had all week since our friends wedding. The wedding was amazing, she was the maid of honour and that was a distraction for a while. She had buried her thoughts and feeling away under the surface but it was now coming back and she was angry.
I came downstairs to ask a question and I immediately saw it in her face. She let her anger out, she vented and raged at me asking how I could have done what I did. I stood there and absorbed her anger in the hopes of taking it from her. It often seems to help. Afterwords I returned upstairs and just sat there crying. When it is unexpected it hits me harder. Something came over her and she decided to let it go. She came up and hugged me. She said she was tired of being mad so she came up and hugged me. The rest of the day went ok.
Tonight she has a therapy appointment, always a source of pressure. We were sitting talking before she was to go and she was triggered hard. She snapped. She had a full psychotic episode as we have come to know them. She took her rings off and said she couldn’t be married to someone who could do what I have done. She was shaking. Her eyes had no colour, the pupils were completely dilated. She wanted to pack a bag and leave. I cannot put into words the complete mental breakdown which accompanies these events. They are physically and mentally draining to her. Watching her go through this breaks my heart. I held her hands and helped her regain her mental capacity. I drove her to her counselling session. Time will tell what the future holds. For now I will continue to be strong, work hard, be forever patient and hope.
There are many many times during the week I watch her struggle. Watching her struggle , being powerless to prevent it is torturous. Some men leave because they want to be elsewhere. Some men cannot handle it out if guilt, shame or apathy. I stay for love. I fight with all my heart and endure the pain for my wife. It is painful for someone who truly cares for another. It is hard but no harder than what she is dealing with. I won ‘t give up on her.
I played this song for her today and she smiled. She begged me to not give up. I won ‘t Erin. I swear to you.
i won’t give up