Last night was great. We talked for hours and shared how much I have been absent from the family. Will try and get back to that later but right now I need to talk about today. I have such a long way to go. Such a long way. I see how tortured she is by what I have done. Every little thing in her life right now is a reminder to what I have done. Be patient. Be understanding. Wait….hope. Have faith.
I got up to go to the kitchen, she was passing me and I could see the hatred in her as she avoided coming close to me. I did this. I hope I can fix this. She is on the verge of collapse, the verge of a breakdown. I see her struggle. Don’t give up.
We talked….and talked. Today I made her some soup and a slice of bread, she asked me to come sit. I talked about so many things with her. We talked about getting remarried. Then a miracle. She kissed me. You now know Miracles are real. How else can that have happened. She asked me to record some comments for her to look at in the times of struggle to come. I will gladly give her that. We both talked more and smiled.
The darkness came back as I made dinner. Her imagination overpowered her.
We went to our son’s Christmas concert. We sat in silence in the van driving to the concert. The kids know something is up, not a word was said for 20 min. No whining, no bugging eachother, no asking to put a movie on. They feel the tension. More weight on my shoulders of what I have done. You selfish prick. I must bear it. I must. She is so strong but there will be times she needs me and I must be there. I will be. Be patient and wait. I can only imagine the torture she went through at the Christmas concert. Every sight, sound, song must be pulling at the last few pieces of her heart. I tried not to look at her. I did not know if I should. As with the other gestures of hope I have from her, they must come and have come from her. I will wait…and hope. During the concert I smiled but for a second when I was reminded that Christmas is the time of Miracles. I pray for a Christmas Miracle that she finds a way to see the future we have together and not the past. To understand that I was lost and am now found. I believe and hope and as long as I am here with her, I will have hope.
It is 10:00 at night and my thoughts are with her. She has gone out, just grabbed her coat and left without a word. I don’t know where she is but I have hope she it trying to find her way home. She is in hell, a hell I put her in. Hold on to my hope. It is strong, don’t let it turn into despair. I am a long way from despair and yet I can see it lurking. It wants to greet me with open arms and then pull me down. Don’t look at it.
I snuggled with my daughter and held her hand. Last night I slept with my sweet son in his bed. I was, for a few moments at peace. I cannot stay there as my wife is not there with me. She is not at peace yet. I hope I can bring her back. I am awakened to the little things in life though I am haunted by the thoughts that I may only get to have that joy every other weekend in the future if at all. If that is meant to be, I will be the best at it I can. I cannot force her to forgive me, I can only hope. If she cannot…….I do not want to think of that. One day at a time.
I do not watch TV anymore. I do not want distractions from the life which I have so long ignored. I need to remember every painful second and have it engrained into my memory as a reminder of what selfishness can do.
I learned a lot last night. She read to me things which she had written months ago. Things about how we were distant, how I ignored my family, how I was angry and not part of the family. I can see myself doing that and it was like a dream where I cannot wake up from. I want to shake myself and wake myself up but then I realize it was the past, a past I’ve wasted. No more wasted time!
A couple of times I have slipped. She has said she needed to do something and I’ve said that’s fine. Of course it is and she reminds me with a pained look and a “I am not ASKING you”. She is so angry….
I hope somewhere inside her she sees that I have changed. She understands I was lost and overnight I became a new person. Impossible and yet I HAVE HOPE. I know that before this, had someone relayed this feeling to me, I’d have thought they were nuts or pathetic. Now I have a greater understanding of faith.
Knowledge is power, but faith is powerful.
Will she come back to me tonight? Ever?
Have faith….have hope. Pray that will be enough.
I CANNOT IMAGINE HOW TIRED SHE IS!
I am haunted by the sounds of this house. They teased me into moments of a dream of the past. It was 12:30 and she came home. I had hope she was somewhere and in a small way they had helped her heal. It appears not, time will tell. I have hope, but tonight, despair inched closer. It is my enemy now….