Tag Archives: Forgivness

Missing her eyes tonight….

I am back to visit my old friend….this blog. I have not visited it in some time.  For those who have followed my story you might remember I come here when I feel alone or sad.  I come here because I have nowhere and nobody else to turn too.  So I write what is in my mind and often in my heart.

Recently we marked 4 years from D-day.  This is always a stressful time of year. She struggles with it but I know.  We had been doing well this year.  Life had been busy but I though we had.  The reality of infidelity and the recovery process is that it is a long hard process.  Things can come out of nowhere and set it back.  I think that is one of the hardest parts. 

This morning I sit and write on the 3rd day of sleeping alone.  The trigger she encountered was unexpected and I can only imagine the waves of anger, frustration and disgust that came back.  The trigger was out of my control and just happened Christmas shopping with my daughter but by way of ownership and blame all triggers are my fault as connected to my wrongdoings.  I get it, I accept it.  It is just hard…..

I must remind myself that Erin’s journey back is harder.

I love my wife.  I love my family.  I am trying every day to put just one piece of her heart back.  Just a few weeks ago Erin had told me what a great husband she had.  That is the way this works.  Good times and bad.  I am in awe of the immense strength she has to endure the swings.  All I want to do is look into her beautiful eyes, to hold her in a warm embrace.  To go for a walk , holding her hand.  She is my best friend.  Right now, I can do none of those things.  I am to stay away from here. I do what she asks, I try and lessen her burden and hope she sees the good in me once again.

So I sit here as she processes the feelings, the anger and hatred which she feels for the man I was.  I sit and hope that she remembers the man I have tried to become these 4 years.  I just sit and wait to see if she cone back.  

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PTSD – the affects of my lies.

My wife told me she took a PTSD survey lost night. She scored 14 out of 20 and anything about 9 is a for sure she suffers from it. I can see the effects of it on her in every day life. She has trouble with normal routines. She has invasive, unwanted images and thoughts. She hates me and loves me at the same time. She is at odds with herself often and can suffer intense highs and lows within seconds. She is aware of the unfairness of what I have done and can, in the same breath, thank me for the massive effort I am making to both learn about myself and help her heal. She is triggered helplessly by anything and everything. When the triggers happen I am helpless to assist her. I am the enemy at that moment. When she triggers, I have learned to get out of her way. To become meek, humble, supportive and invisible. When she wants to seek out contact she does so. Until she does, i sit in sheer terror of the unknown.

I took the test as well. I scored 15. The way I have expressed this with my wife, we are both in hell, just different hells. I put us there!

How lonely she must feel.

I continue to process how I have hurt her. How lonely, isolated and scared she must be. I was her champion. The killer of spiders, the getter of water when she threw up, the fixer of stuck and broken things. The one she could turn to to listen and not try and fix the problem. I saw her thru the worst times in her life, Nanny, the miscarriage, the vertigo, the severe anxiety and now she cannot turn to her best friend. I have robbed her of a lifetime of memories and support.

I have split her in two. I have taken her from her kids, her friends and even her work responsibilities.

I have destroyed concepts like trust, honesty, love and marriage. None of these she has faith in. I have forced her to isolate herself to save me ridicule, scorn and isolation from everyone. I committed the crime and she is serving my sentence.

She must fear each day not knowing what lies ahead. Will she love me today and want to share every moment with me like the good days? Or will she vanish from sight like she did today. It must be torture to not know how one will feel and have no control over it.

You selfish prick!

Things I Have Learned

Things I have learned: (in no specific order)

I am in love with my wife.

I have learned I am stronger than I thought but that strength comes from her love. I know if she is with me, I can move mountains.

I know she loves me but right now she is not in love with me. She wants to be, at least her positive side. Her negative side hates me. Last night I learned that both are good and the worst thing is indifference.

I can do immeasurable harm to those who love me. I believe I can fix it by loving them and being patient.

I have learned how to live. Before this I existed, now when she is near me, I live. I take in every moment with her and cherish it.

I have learned life is not all about me. I gain more satisfaction and peace helping And loving her and my kids.

I have learned to appreciate the time I have with my loved ones. It may be over before I expect it.

To be continued:

Dec 17th – 7:00 am

Woke sad this morning.  Her torture continues.  She continues to look for answers.

We had a great day.  Her mom helped her feel better by being around (staying with us for the Christmas holiday) although her mom doesn’t know what is going on.
We cuddled and kissed.  But after sending her to bed she came down with more questions.  I must be patient and honest.   I must help her thru this no matter the pain caused.
Remember.  Christmas miracles.  Remember forgiveness.  Hope she will find peace before driving herself crazy with questions.
12:30- today is bad.  No kindness,  no hugs, she is distant today as she feels the milestone.  1 week ago it all fell apart.  Her world gone in the blink of an eye.  We have come so far and yet it is miles to go.  Such a daunting journey but as long as I get those hopeful hugs, those beautiful smiles and get to stare into her eyes and there is love in them (behind the sadness) it is worth it.  More than worth it.  It is not an equal trade.  I am blessed if those things are there.  If they leave I am not sure what would happen.
I wonder…..a million things

I am starting to experience physical signs of stress today. They are compounded by the memories from a week ago. She is remembering what took place 1 week from today and she is in a bad place. This today will be a bad day i think unless she sees the positives of what we have accomplished in that time. How far we have come all with the strength and power of her love for me. I have supported her but it is her who has brought herself from the edge of the abyss and is walking back to me. The steps are slow and sometimes the pace may vary but i feel her coming back. Nobody will tell how long the journey will be. It is her journey. She occasionally looks back but she is still moving forward. I will continue to do everything i can to help. I will be patient, use my hope to help keep me strong and have faith. All the things we saw at church, all the things we have been holding onto. The things which have helped us thru this. She is so strong and i hope she remembers that and when she feels down. I cannot feel despair. That will be dangerous and she might lose faith or get tired. I cannot let her get tired. I must stay strong and hold her up where she allows me too.
Long day ahead.

Dec 15th – First day at Church

Plan is to go to church. Wake up early and go get toboggans at Can tire so when we get home, we can go right out. Bad plan on several levels but none the less decided. You wake up at 8:00 to the sounds of little feet running across the floor. Best way to wake in the world. You get up and go see her. She is awake and had a good night. She hugs you and you talk about the day. You are excited for both church and tobogganing with the kids. You go downstairs and tell them to get ready, we are leaving in 5 min to go get sleds.
Being out with them was nice. You went to the store and bought every toboggan in sight. You envisioned all 5 of you on a sled sailing down the hill, dog running beside. Laughing and enjoying life. Another piece back together?
On the way home, stopping to get mom an iced cap and the kids bagels. You don’t get anything. You don’t get Tims anymore. You won’t buy yourself one, only she may do that from now on. Back home running late. 5 min shower, clothes and into the car. Dropping Cameron off at gramdmas and off to church. We are all doing well. Erin has on her rings for church.
We are running close to being late and i am anxious. Never been to a service in years. How will it go? 3rd Sunday of Advent. I feel like a sinner, i feel weak and i feel shame. Nobody knows my shame but i cannot contain it.
The service starts and the first Hymn is “hope is a star”. You cannot contain your feelings and tears start to flow. You cannot look at her, the same way you did not at the Christmas concert. You are tired and weak and shamed. All the messages flood in.
We have walked in hope, we have prayed for peace.
Give us the courage to wait in times of pain and trouble.
Then the prayer of confession.
Words of hopeful assurance and the lords prayer.
At some point she held your hand. Another sign of hope but later she released is and never took it back. She is struggling today. You look at the beautiful girl who is your daughter, you look at your wife. You are thankful you are there and fearful to leave. Soo many emotions washed over you. You didn’t feel the absolution you thought you might. There was no peace yet, too much work to be done. Not that easy to ask for forgiveness, even in church. No free rides.
Service ended but you couldn’t leave. You didn’t want to go. It was nice being there with her. It is nice being near her always.
Tea and coffee downstairs. Shake a few hands and introduce lauren to of the other girls in the choir. It was a good morning.
Lunch of hotdogs. At first she wouldn’t eat but then she did. She said it was good. She is eating more now but grudgingly, that’s for sure. She has no pleasure in food or drink. It is a necessity now to live. Kids are outside waiting to go sledding, but we are talking. More questions, more revelations, more smiles and jokes. More hugs and kisses. All good signs. I’ve come to not like those, as they tend not to last.
Fun afternoon on the hill. You are so tired but it was fun. She came for a bit but Cameron wanted to go. We took a picture. Best picture of us ever. I loved it. It was like it was us and a clean slate behind us. If it were that easy.
More plans and off to Can tire, Micheals, Walmart. A few times you remind yourself not to leave her side. You are absentminded and forget. The last one was the trigger. You left her in Walmart and when to load the car. Bad idea. You are unsure that the issue was exactly but you suspect a few things. Regardless, the darkness is back. You get home and she disappears into her room. You get back to your chores. You look forward to them to fill the silence. Text her for dinner “did you make me anything”. Yes i reply and a few moments later she appears. Less angry for a moment but not better.
After dinner she vanishes to carolyns. You feel like you have replaced one parent for another. She now it distant. She is absent and they are worse off for it. No overwhelming sense of hope tonight. The pressure of her mom’s visit looming large. She is a good actress but it will take an epic performance to achieve which moms in town. I will support her but have fears. If it unravels, will she be able to width stand the pressure from everyone? No idea…
10:30. Mom should be back from Florida soon. Time will tell. You feel very anxious. No olive branches tonight so far. No hugs, no smiles. You are powerless to affect these things. They are gifts you get form her and she can as easily take them away, which she does. You live for these and these alone now.
How you long to hold her. How you are trying for hope but with each fell back into her despair you join her.
She came in and told you she doesn’t mean to be rude but she doesn’t want to be around you right now. Why would she?
11:00 she came back down saying she was in a very dark place. She said maybe love it not enough. We talked and talked. She is trying, i can see her trying so hard. She is being pulled into two parts. The one who loves me and the one who cannot stop thinking about what i did.
She comes closer to me and kisses me. We are happy and enjoy the moment. She kiss and caress for a while. It’s too fast but before we know it she is laying on the ground and i’m on top of her. Seconds later i am pushed off, she is clearly upset. Her imagination is getting the better of her on this occasion. She apologizes and says it doesn’t mean she doesn’t want you near, just not ready for that. I knew as soon as we started falling it was a bad idea but nothing i can do about it now.
Talked more, kissed more and time for bed.

Dec 12 – Entries from the day

Last night was great.  We talked for hours and shared how much I have been absent from the family.  Will try and get back to that later but right now I need to talk about today.  I have such a long way to go.  Such a long way.  I see how tortured she is by what I have done.  Every little thing in her life right now is a reminder to what I have done.  Be patient.  Be understanding.  Wait….hope.  Have faith.

I got up to go to the kitchen, she was passing me and I could see the hatred in her as she avoided coming close to me.  I did this.  I hope I can fix this.  She is on the verge of collapse, the verge of a breakdown.  I see her struggle.   Don’t give up.

We talked….and talked.  Today I made her some soup and a slice of bread, she asked me to come sit.  I talked about so many things with her.  We talked about getting remarried.  Then a miracle.  She kissed me.  You now know Miracles are real.  How else can that have happened.  She asked me to record some comments for her to look at in the times of struggle to come.  I will gladly give her that.  We both talked more and smiled.

The darkness came back as I made dinner.  Her imagination overpowered her.

We went to our son’s Christmas concert.  We sat in silence in the van driving to the concert.  The kids know something is up, not a word was said for 20 min.  No whining, no bugging eachother, no asking to put a movie on.  They feel the tension.  More weight on my shoulders of what I have done.  You selfish prick.  I must bear it.  I must.  She is so strong but there will be times she needs me and I must be there.  I will be.  Be patient and wait. I can only imagine the torture she went through at the Christmas concert.  Every sight, sound, song must be pulling at the last few pieces of her heart.  I tried not to look at her.  I did not know if I should.  As with the other gestures of hope I have from her, they must come and have come from her.  I will wait…and hope.  During the concert I smiled but for a second when I was reminded that Christmas is the time of Miracles.  I pray for a Christmas Miracle that she finds a way to see the future we have together and not the past.  To understand that I was lost and am now found.  I believe and hope and as long as I am here with her, I will have hope.

It is 10:00 at night and my thoughts are with her.  She has gone out, just grabbed her coat and left without a word. I don’t know where she is but I have hope she it trying to find her way home.   She is in hell, a hell I put her in.  Hold on to my hope.  It is strong, don’t let it turn into despair.   I am a long way from despair and yet I can see it lurking.  It wants to greet me with open arms and then pull me down.  Don’t look at it.

I snuggled with my daughter and held her hand.  Last night I slept with my sweet son in his bed.  I was, for a few moments at peace.  I cannot stay there as my wife is not there with me.  She is not at peace yet.  I hope I can bring her back.  I am awakened to the little things in life though I am haunted by the thoughts that I may only get to have that joy every other weekend in the future if at all.  If that is meant to be, I will be the best at it I can.  I cannot force her to forgive me, I can only hope.  If she cannot…….I do not want to think of that.  One day at a time.

I do not watch TV anymore.  I do not want distractions from the life which I have so long ignored.  I need to remember every painful second and have it engrained into my memory as a reminder of what selfishness can do.

I learned a lot last night.  She read to me things which she had written months ago.  Things about how we were distant, how I ignored my family, how I was angry and not part of the family.  I can see myself doing that and it was like a dream where I cannot wake up from.  I want to shake myself and wake myself up but then I realize it was the past, a past I’ve wasted.  No more wasted time!

 

A couple of times I have slipped.  She has said she needed to do something and I’ve said that’s fine.  Of course it is and she reminds me with a pained look and a “I am not ASKING you”.  She is so angry….

I hope somewhere inside her she sees that I have changed.  She understands I was lost and overnight I became a new person.  Impossible and yet I HAVE HOPE.  I know that before this, had someone relayed this feeling to me, I’d have thought they were nuts or pathetic.  Now I have a greater understanding of faith.

Knowledge is power, but faith is powerful.

Will she come back to me tonight? Ever?

Have faith….have hope.  Pray that will be enough.

I CANNOT IMAGINE HOW TIRED SHE IS!

I am haunted by the sounds of this house.  They teased me into moments of a dream of the past.  It was 12:30 and she came home.  I had hope she was somewhere and in a small way they had helped her heal.   It appears not, time will tell.  I have hope, but tonight, despair inched closer.  It is my enemy now….