Category Archives: Cheating

Missing her eyes tonight….

I am back to visit my old friend….this blog. I have not visited it in some time.  For those who have followed my story you might remember I come here when I feel alone or sad.  I come here because I have nowhere and nobody else to turn too.  So I write what is in my mind and often in my heart.

Recently we marked 4 years from D-day.  This is always a stressful time of year. She struggles with it but I know.  We had been doing well this year.  Life had been busy but I though we had.  The reality of infidelity and the recovery process is that it is a long hard process.  Things can come out of nowhere and set it back.  I think that is one of the hardest parts. 

This morning I sit and write on the 3rd day of sleeping alone.  The trigger she encountered was unexpected and I can only imagine the waves of anger, frustration and disgust that came back.  The trigger was out of my control and just happened Christmas shopping with my daughter but by way of ownership and blame all triggers are my fault as connected to my wrongdoings.  I get it, I accept it.  It is just hard…..

I must remind myself that Erin’s journey back is harder.

I love my wife.  I love my family.  I am trying every day to put just one piece of her heart back.  Just a few weeks ago Erin had told me what a great husband she had.  That is the way this works.  Good times and bad.  I am in awe of the immense strength she has to endure the swings.  All I want to do is look into her beautiful eyes, to hold her in a warm embrace.  To go for a walk , holding her hand.  She is my best friend.  Right now, I can do none of those things.  I am to stay away from here. I do what she asks, I try and lessen her burden and hope she sees the good in me once again.

So I sit here as she processes the feelings, the anger and hatred which she feels for the man I was.  I sit and hope that she remembers the man I have tried to become these 4 years.  I just sit and wait to see if she cone back.  

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Wish i wasn’t writing this….

I haven’t written in a while.

I haven’t felt this alone in a while.

I come here to help stop the voices in my head.  When she is silent too me, all I have left is the guy inside and he is not good to me.  There are 2 of them really but it is usually the mean, self loathing angry inner voice that wins out.  So I write to help get the thoughts out and feel some connection to the world.  I don’t have any friends, certainly not anyone I can talk too.  She is my only and best friend.  I sit alone most days at my desk, isolated and alone.  The best days are the days she comes to visit me or brings me lunch.  I work from home and so does she.  For years now, i look forward to her lovingly prepared lunches or funny themed afternoon snacks.  They are not always at lunch time but they are reliable…..reliable unless she is distant.  Then i often find her purposely absent from the house at lunch, a clear sign to fend for yourself.  I don’t mind having to make myself food, it is the implied “starve for all i care” in the act which is painful.  I just remind myself, my pain is nothing compared to hers so I own it.

Life is a funny thing….full of irony, full of the what if’s and should have done.  I feel like I have made all the wrong choices in life.  Investments, jobs, education and clearly my moral choices were wrong.  It is hard at my age to see where the upside is.  My mother has cancer, my father could have weeks to live.  I could be fired any day with no real prospects for future employment.  I have never connected with anyone but Erin….not really.  I’m not even a very good father.  I’m tired….

Erin has grown cold, silent and distant.  I never am sure what triggers her but it is likely the impending reminders this time of year brings.  It will be 3 years since first discovery and we’ve had great moments and oh so painful ones.  One of the only things I can find pride in these days is my ability to not turn back to my addiction.  It is not easy in that there is temptation everywhere in the world but I have this shield of love protecting me.  It is Erin.  I really don’t ever want to go back to it.  I can see how addicts struggle.  I don’t, certainly not with her by my side.  I look at her and see a future given back to me.   A life with opportunities.  I see a chance for peace, comfort and love.  We both know life will never be the same.  We both know things will trigger her and she will have bad days but we also see the good in our lives.  It’s funny, I started this post down..sad..lost.  Just talking about her brightens my spirits but I know that will fade when she comes home and ignores me.  I struggle the most when she is distant.  Not struggle with my addiction…but just with life and living.  I strive to find things for me to be positive about but it is not always easy.

I am no less sorry for what I have done that when I was first discovered.  I may not say sorry all the time but it is the most genuinely implied silence that a person can offer.  I take great pains in trying not to remind or trigger.  I am not always successful.  I will make a reference to a move I like only to have it hurled back at me with the obvious trigger reference in it.  I don’t mean it but i cannot be ever vigilant so i just accept my gaff and do what I can to repair it.  I wonder if she is tired of me.

So it is December and she is out somewhere….i don’t ask as she would only be baited into lashing out at me to  remind me of my past and how it is none of my business where she goes.  I don’t begrudge her those moments of hate.  She needs to once in a while let them out or they fester like an unkempt wound.  Ripe off the band aid and let it breathe once in a while.

I wonder where you are Erin.  Wherever it is, i hope you feel loved by me and come back to me soon.  I miss you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2016….still waiting to wish her a happy new year.

It doesn’t feel like a new year, certainly not a happy one.  A few days ago Erin triggered hard and she has been distant.  I don’t know exactly what triggered her, in that, know a little but didn’t go digging.  The source of the triggers are the same.  My infidelity is after all the cause of all the triggers.

So 2016 has come with few words spoken between us and of those, only the necessary.  I miss her.  We have shared some amazing moments this past year.  I wish to hold her and tell her how much I am looking forward to 2016, 2017 and beyond.  I know it will take work and strength to get there.  I find times like these stretch my faith.  I wonder if this is the time she doesn’t come back.  Everything she has endured so far should assure me that we can get through this but negative emotions are as much human nature as is love, hope and faith.  I try and push them out of my head but it is hard.  I keep trying….I keep working.

I’ve started to read blogs again.  I needed a break.  It is hard to read about all the pain others are suffering when I can see if every day in the one i love.  So many people suffering.  I wonder if their offending partners are suffering too.  I have some strange thoughts and realizations which I am sure most people won’t care about.  For those who have been offending partners I wonder if they are quietly suffering as I am.  Nobody cares about how I feel, how the pain of what I have done is eating me alive.  Most of the time I don’t even care about my own pain, only what I can do to help Erin.  Nothing I do for myself helps.  The only thing which lifts my heart is an act of kindness from her.  It is a vulnerable feeling.  Erin has still remained silent to our friends and family about my actions.  A burden which weighs heavy on her at times as references and triggers are everywhere.  She has her “Sisters” from her support group.  I am thankful of that.  She believes silence is better than the alternative of everyone walking on eggshells around her and treating her like a wounded animal.  All my efforts go toward helping her with her burdens. I support her where I can.  I will never be able to repay her for the gifts she has granted me.  The moments of love she has shown, the renewed awareness of my family, my children and just how wonderful she is.

I don’t write much here.  I don’t have much new to add to this journey. We are still on it and it is a struggle from day to day.  I also find that I don’t like putting all my thoughts on here.  I don’t want to give in to the negative emotions.  I am staying strong, as strong as someone can be given what I have done.  Regret, guilt and shame are powerful enemies.  I take solace in my ability to break myself of my addiction.  I will always be an addict, I know that.  It is not something you are cured of.  But it is something which can be controlled.  People who don’t have the struggle of addiction will never understand that statement.  They will not understand that resisting an addiction is something one must try and do.  Those who have suffered with addiction, will understand.  It is all a matter of choice.  I chose to make the right choices for my family now.  I know what I have to live for.  I chose to live for them.

I wish everyone peace and happiness for 2016 and beyond.  I wish it most for my Erin.  I wish for the knowledge, strength and resolve to help in every way I can to give her that peace.

Good Night…

 

 

 

Proof of life…..amongst the lies.

I have been neglecting this blog but my heart is heavy tonight so I thought i’d visit an old friend.

I’ll start by saying we were doing well.  There were challenges but overall I think we were doing well although the past is never very far from either of our minds.  We are approaching D day Plus 2 years.  Like I said….we were doing well.  Erin still has daily triggers or her mind wandered to the past but she was managing it and I was still doing a great deal to help.  I had been traveling some and work has been very stressful.  Not a few days ago she told me she will always love me.  Today there is silence……

It’s only taken 2 simple, careless and incorrect words to put us back 2 years. Thursday she got this message in her Facebook IM from an anonymous person.  2 words which might be my end.  “He’s cheating”.  They are referring to me of course or at least that is what she believes.  I was out all day taking my bosses to meet my most important client.  The morning had started off ok and she told me to “kick ass”.  Around lunch I started to get the impression something was up.  She had stopped responding.  That is always a sign of a negative, perhaps she was triggered or simply hates when I am out of the house.  Truth be told I hate leaving the house as it is a strain on her.  So when I got home around 10 I found her on the couch staring into space.  I sat down and she asked for my phone.  I handed it over as I always do now.  There is nothing to hide in it so I sit not worried.  Sometimes she just does that to feel better.  Then I was hit with it.  Who is “blank”.  I pause to be sure of the answer.  I tell her I don’t know that name.  I asked why and she tells me that this person sent her a message from the Facebook IM function under the unknown senders.  Her facebook page is blank.  There is only a name and the message sitting haunting us like a ghost. Erin was devastated.  She has had every memory from D Day come flooding back like a giant tsunami wiping us out.

For the record, I have been not only sexually faithful but emotionally faithful.  I have not even once typed the word “crai*&%list” and I won’t now.  I don’t text, talk or look at another woman in an inappropriate way.  I have not been in contact with anyone from my past nor do I want too.  I am the happiest I’ve ever been.  I am present for my family, I am appreciating the little things I took for granted.  I have shed the weight of the guilt and shame which fueled my cycle of addiction.  I am not a cheater anymore and there is the crux of my problem.  Why would anyone, including erin believe me given my past.  This is what I am struggling with tonight.  I feel in some way that I have earned this and will never truly free myself from the label and the past.  No matter how hard I try, how much I show her that I understand what I have done and how sorry I am, it only takes the tiny seed or doubt to wipe it all away.

So now this one careless act could jeopardize everything I’ve worked so hard to fix. I don’t know what has prompted this message but I do know, in this case, it cannot be true.  I am “not cheating” but how do you prove something that isn’t.  How do I confront someone who anonymously comments like that.  It’s turned the world upside down again.  She feel empty again as she did in the early days,  It isn’t that I have or haven’t cheated, it is that I did once and this is another reminder putting doubts in her mind.  This brings back the memories of discovery after discover of my behaviour.  To her, it must be more believable that I am cheating than I have been faithful.  That’s the part that hurts the most.  I think she was starting to believe that my love was real and I had changed.  What is she to believe now?

I have some theory’s on who and why they did this.  I plan on tracking down the person as she has left some breadcrumbs to follow.  I have no fear confronting her.  I will let the weekend pass and then I will present to Erin we both confront the person.  There was a time I would have just hidden but not now.  Now I have my the truth behind me.  The truth I have worked very hard to earn.  I am faithful.  I am not a cheater anymore.

For now, I sit in silence waiting for my chance to prove I am not guilty.  I just fear it will be easier for her to not let me and just give up.  After all, how much can one person take.

Anger, hate, scorn, distrust and lunch…..

She brought me lunch today.  She said she hates me but doesn’t want to see me starve.  It is the little things i live for now.

This weekend she left the bed and slept in our daughters room.  She said i make her skin crawl.  She has such immense mood swings now.  She can love me or hate me in an instant.  For a while now it has been hate.  

We did well for a week while i was away.  I had to go to Europe on business and i was so conscious about keeping in touch.  This trip was huge as i was alone.  Trust is non existant so it was challenging, i did everything i could to stay connected.  I think that trip used up all the positive energy because pretty much since she has been distant and anger.  I try and stay positive.  I look at lunch as her way of saying she loves me through the hate.  

I live for those moments.

Recognizing what i could have lost

Every day I think about what I could have lost. Every day i am thankful for the life i now have. I consciously stop what i am doing and appreciate where i am in that moment. I appreciate being able to look at my wife, knowing she loves me, knowing we are healing together and not apart. So much has fallen apart in my life but not my life. Our family business has gone under, my brother marriage is falling apart over the money which has been lost, my patents life savings was in the company and at 80+ years hard changes are coming. I am facing insecurity about my own abilities and choices and right now i am managing all this with the support of my wife and love of my family. I could be alone alienated by everyone, in a lonely apartment or condo only seeing my children every other weekend. I could be lost to addiction and never recover. I could be dead leaving my loved ones to suffer and question everything. By the immeasurable strength of my wife and her love for me which i could not begin to describe in depth, i am here, with her.

But i am here. I wake beside the most amazing woman i could ever imagine. We have a long way to go. She is still tortured daily, i watch her fall and see her pick herself up and keep going. She gives me strength to do the same.

She is my angel.

Reflections

I haven’t written for a while…,not here anyway. I write inside my head but haven’t had time to put it here. When i do start writing, i feel like i want to write for hours but usually have 10 min.

I want to work backwards from today to D day, Dec 10th. That is my current goal for this post. I wonder how far I’ll get.

Tonight I sit in my hotel room alone wishing i was home. Erin is distant tonight. She has been triggered today with me being away. My days are packed with multiple meetings for hours. I try and stay connected but it is hard with the time change.

We have been on a roll lately. She had turned a corner not long ago. We have booked a trip for her birthday coming up next month. She often struggles when i travel and i completely understand. I have worked from home for the past year and it has been amazing for our recovery. I feel blessed for the opportunity. I have so much more quality of life. Seeing my kids off to school every day, being able to come downstairs and see my wife anytime i want or she needs. Simply having lunch with her.

It is Jan 22nd and i think back over the month. It’s been a series of ups and downs. It’s had some great moments and some hard nights. I continue to work as hard as i can though routines and efforts have changed. Even writing with as much frequency has been challenging.

In early 2015 she struggled and fought with herself about leaving. She shares a great deal about how she struggles. I can imaging there is more inside which she doesn’t share. The brain has a million thoughts and you only have time to vocalize some. In one conversation about her process for thinking about leaving she told me that in her mind she’d need to want to leave for 3 weeks. She’d want to be sure and in her mind that was a good number. Who knows if upon that 3rd week if she would change her mind. She has not come close. We talk about so much now. I tell her my fears and my insecurities. I feel i truly have a partner in life. She is so good to me.

We often talk about life, about everything. I think she like catching me off guard when she will make a joke about something relating to what i have done. She laughs and i smile. I will never laugh about what i have done. The scope of understanding i now have will never allow me to make light of the subject.

I struggle with many thing. I struggle with how unfair things are. How i have forever changed her. How much of every day life makes light of infidelity.

I try quietly to be proud of who i am now. It often think about how it doesn’t matter how hard i work. What i mean to say is, it wouldn’t matter if i performed miracles and saved children from a burning building. If people knew what i had done i’d always be shunned, labeled cheater or worse. Nothing i could ever do would take that label off. But i remind myself i do not to this all for others, i do it for her, i do it for me and i do it for my family.

She is truly a remarkable woman. This has opened my eyes to that fact. I could go on for hours perhaps days. She tells me often how much she loves me, how much i mean too her. It make me smile and i store those images for the nights she is silent, absent and distant.

Tonight she is distant and i am withdrawing from my smile bank remembering the last time she kissed me, the last time she held me and those words of love.

Good night my love. I miss you.

Not defending myself….just hoping to clarify.

My wife recently forwarded me this link:

http://www.google.comwww.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=547056

She often googles the blog to see where it is popping up on the web.  It has been an interesting journey so far and I am sometimes caught off guard on how what I have written is taken by other people. This blog was never intended for others.

I have come to respect all the opinions from anyone who has sent them.  I could never have fully understood what anyone in this situation goes through until I went through it myself so I don’t get defensive when I am hit with criticism.  I deserve everything I get as I am guilty.  I know that the pain from this stays raw in the hearts, minds and souls of those who are betrayed and in some cases in those who betray.  I believe I am one of those who are forever changed from my experience.

THE PERSON WROTE:

I wish he’d describe the personal recovery work he’s doing, rather than focus in how intent he is on waiting for his wife to come back” (which I read as “get over it”). His recent posts are about a year in, and superficial. He will start to describe, for example, a meditation seminar. How they sat down on mats. And then, it’s, “and after we were done…” Or an SA meeting–he describes the meeting, and concludes that SA is part of his personal equation. But he does not describe the process of recovery, the Steps, the work HE is doing, but rather turns the microscope (no, not microscope–it’s far too superficial; he’s not looking closely) on Erin.

It’s not just all “faith, love, hope, patience.”

He’s made it about his BS (and outcome), not his own journey. He’s made it about how he will wait for her.

It’s nice that he recognizes her work to R (though describing her angry emotional responses as “psychotic episodes” seems to exhibit a disconnect of some sort), but I’d like to see more of the deep personal work he’s doing. He’s not putting that out there. Instead, he’s displaying his BS. He’s making a mild gesture, creating a very public love letter (which would make me livid, given my own stbx’s tendency to gather ego kibbles and ignore the real work that needs to be done). It’s superficial and strikes me as cowardly. It makes me wonder whether he’s doing the work, or just waiting for Erin to “get over it,” putting in as little effort as he can.

Of course, this is JMO, based on my own experiences and projections. I wish he’d give more of the sense that he GETS it and is really doing the hard work to R. He says he’s working to help his wife heal. That won’t do her a bit of good if he doesn’t do the work he needs to heal. And if he’s attending his first SA meeting a year out and still describing her anger as “falling” and “psychotic episodes,” it does not seem he’s done the work.

I would like to help clarify what I believe is a misunderstanding about my blog and what I chose to write about in the hopes they see it for what it is. I started this not as a blog as all but a journal to myself.  The initial drafts of this was written in the 3rd person as if I was talking to myself.  My wife later converted this to the blog simply to make sure I never lost what I written in the event my computer crashed.  It seemed like a good idea at the time.  I have never published this blog, linked it in any forum or tried to gain exposure.  This was for me….to be able to look back and remember the thoughts, feelings and actions I took and more importantly how it affected my wife and the struggles we both had with this.  I can tell you now, that my mind was not always there in the earliest of times.  I really needed this to help me remember.

I continue writing for the same reason.  I’m not looking to educate people or use this blog for anything more than a record.  I would encourage the same from any spouse who has betrayed their loved ones.  Sometimes when Erin won’t talk to me she reads the blog and it helps.  You may have noticed I do not put specifics on here.  I do so for a simple reason.  I plan to keep this for ever to remind me.  Erin and I will revisit this and while she knows the painful truths of my betrayal, I do not want to inflict her with having to read them over and over.

These specific lines were among the most critical so I felt I wanted to address them:

It’s superficial and strikes me as cowardly. It makes me wonder whether he’s doing the work, or just waiting for Erin to “get over it,” putting in as little effort as he can.

I don’t understand how my blog can be interpreted as cowardly.  My life before, my lying, cheating and addiction was cowardly.  Equally, giving up, leaving and forgetting the damage I have caused, that would be cowardly.  Staying here, watching her break apart and come together and break apart, that has taken all the strength in my mind and body.  Letting go of my former identity and searching for any shred of a moral backbone, accepting faith in a high power as guidance and truly repenting for my past.  That has taken willpower, determination and love.  Struggling with the thoughts which race inside my head of all the wrong things I’ve done.  Struggling with the thoughts they’d all be better off if I was dead.  Realizing that even when it feels like you cannot go on, you must for the ones you love and then keeping that in your heart. This experience, for those offending souses who are truly sorry and truly remorseful, is also very tramatic however I will not attempt to compare it to what the betrayed spouse goes through.  We do have it much easier then them and even so it is life altering.

I am not waiting for Erin to “get over it”.  I do not intend the comments I make about doing the laundry, making lunches, cleaning or other things as trivial efforts to help her with her chores.  I spent years, even before I began my offending behaviour not truly understanding all the things my wife did. I took everything for granted. Now, she needs time to heal, to rest and to regain herself so I pour myself into the dozens of daily chores for several reasons. They give her time to heal, they show her I support her in needing that time and they allow me perspective on what I felt was trivial work. I can say after a year of making beds, doing laundry, making lunches, cleaning the house, vacuuming and more that those are rewarding tasks I’ve come to enjoy. I do them out of love in that she appreciates the extra time for her job and to relax when she can. I am not waiting for her, I am helping her in an indirect way.

As for the work I am doing, I likely could be more forthcoming but again I write this for me and as I do the work and discuss with Erin, I don’t often blog it. With that said, I have done a great deal of self evaluation, criticism, analysis and reflection. Not a day goes by that I don’t reflect on how wrong I have been and how much of everything I have wasted. Once you truly realize that you have been so completely wrong for so long it is pretty straight forward. I was “insert negative adjective” but am changing. I say I am changed but behaviour takes time to change and I will continue to be consistent on those changes.

I have accepted i am an addict in recovery. I read the books, I have worked some of the steps between my job and responsibilities. I am appreciating the little things and trying very hard to stay positive even when my wife overtly hates my guts.

I am not waiting….I am doing, hoping and praying.

I am also not defending myself. I do not wish to argue but inform so I hope this is taken with the humility, humble and genuine nature that it is intended. I truly can understand how all betrayed spouses can see the most well intentioned comments from someone like me as defending or belittling a betrayed spouses’ efforts but that is not me.

I read several blogs from betrayed spouses and i feel for them as i can understand through what i have seen in my wife. I find it nothing short of a miracle the strength, character, love, spirit, compassion, kindness, caring and patience my wife has shown while experiencing all this pain. I can assure you all she has endured far more than I have even begun to describe.

Lastly and I will leave you with this, as I reread the post which prompted this I also came to the conclusion of another not insignificant point of this blog. I do hope people who are on the verge of considering betraying their partner to be able to read first hand what the damage can be like. Perhaps it will give them pause to face their own shortcomings and think twice.

For your consideration….I now turn my thoughts back to my primary purpose of repairing my life, my wife and myself.

Flashbacks

Has it really been a year. It feels like yesterday. Flashbacks to year ago as I sit alone in my family room, my wife has gone out without word. She is processing what she discovered. I did not intentionally deceive her of this recent discovery but with all my lies and 1/2 truths how can she possibly tell the difference.

I sit here wondering how I could have done all those things.

I sit and wonder where she is. I have no right to ask, no right to comment.

Almost a year and it is still raw. I still feel the effects of her pain deeply in my soul. There is no woman on this earth who could take her place. She is the perfect woman in my eyes and I have crushed her.

It has been the best year of my live and the worst. I have found what life is meant to be lived for. I have also destroyed another person, shattered her life. We have grown together in so many ways but I fear tonight she is doubting all she knows in her heart and I have placed that doubt their.

I hope she comes home soon and safe.

I cannot escape my past.

My wife removed her rings tonight.

Triggered by evidence of how sick I was. We approach D Day in 9 days and I was so hoping for us to remain strong approaching it. Again through the giant pinball game of life she stumbled upon something from my past. Something which brings it all rushing back as to what kind of sick perverted lost man she married.

I had hoped that my last year of work might earn us some peace, that karma might stop slapping me but it is not to be.

I have not gone back to my old ways. I have not wanted to do anything to risk the life i now have or the love erin and I share but in nights like this I wonder have I done too much for karma to let me go. Moments of despair lead to the reinforcing of the fact that I brought this upon myself. I reap what I sow and my loved ones suffer for it.

I am trying so hard. I have planted new seed. Seed of knowledge, acceptance, faith and repentance. I have seen what life can be like. The seed is growing new roots but they take time.

It is hard too see her suffer but no harder than the suffering itself she must endure. I see her doubt the choice to stay with me. I see her break apart inside powerless to shield her from it. My past is there and shows its’ ugly head when I least expect it.

I am to blame but she keeps suffering for what I have done.

Tonight we sit in the shit, neck deep and sinking. I hope tomorrow is better.