It has been 4 days now since Erin triggered and shut down. When she triggers, I trigger. Make no mistake, i am not comparing the two triggers. They are not comparable however the reality for me is still here. Everything is like a amplifier to life. One thing this recent trigger has done is remind me how I need to stay connected to her. How many missed moments to kiss her, to hold her hand, to cuddle with her……how much I want to stay connected to her. It also has reminded me how fragile and fleeting life can be. I sit typing this and all I want to do is run downstairs and hold her, feel her warmth and feel safe. She is my safe place. But I cannot….
I have been told to stay away, stay out of her way. There is only distance right now and I feel it. I want to run and run and run to close that gap, to close the distance. For me, the only way to close the distance is too wait, to be patient and hope she comes back.
This distance has been bitter sweet. It has given me time to re-read my blog and learn from it. It has reminded me to not waste the time we have. Lately with everything on my plate, I have neglected the opportunities to just sit with her, to hold her hand and to connect. Why does it take events like this to remind you to stop and smell the roses? I will never know…..
I recently watched a movie and the line above was at the end. I stared to cry….
“No matter how much you change, you still have to pay for what you’ve done.”
Why does that line create so much fear in me? It is because times like this remind me I can still lose everything. I can still lose her. I fear losing her because after all we have been through it has taught me, I was exactly where I was meant to be and just did not realize it. That seems to be right when life will take it from you.
I miss you and love you Erin. I’d love to just hold you again one day and until then I will be standing here waiting for you.
I am back to visit my old friend….this blog. I have not visited it in some time. For those who have followed my story you might remember I come here when I feel alone or sad. I come here because I have nowhere and nobody else to turn too. So I write what is in my mind and often in my heart.
Recently we marked 4 years from D-day. This is always a stressful time of year. She struggles with it but I know. We had been doing well this year. Life had been busy but I though we had. The reality of infidelity and the recovery process is that it is a long hard process. Things can come out of nowhere and set it back. I think that is one of the hardest parts.
This morning I sit and write on the 3rd day of sleeping alone. The trigger she encountered was unexpected and I can only imagine the waves of anger, frustration and disgust that came back. The trigger was out of my control and just happened Christmas shopping with my daughter but by way of ownership and blame all triggers are my fault as connected to my wrongdoings. I get it, I accept it. It is just hard…..
I must remind myself that Erin’s journey back is harder.
I love my wife. I love my family. I am trying every day to put just one piece of her heart back. Just a few weeks ago Erin had told me what a great husband she had. That is the way this works. Good times and bad. I am in awe of the immense strength she has to endure the swings. All I want to do is look into her beautiful eyes, to hold her in a warm embrace. To go for a walk , holding her hand. She is my best friend. Right now, I can do none of those things. I am to stay away from here. I do what she asks, I try and lessen her burden and hope she sees the good in me once again.
So I sit here as she processes the feelings, the anger and hatred which she feels for the man I was. I sit and hope that she remembers the man I have tried to become these 4 years. I just sit and wait to see if she cone back.
I wanted to write this post for some time now but had not found the time to sit down and focus on it.
In early December, marked 3 years from the initial discovery. My blog documented much of the first year recording the struggles and success of our healing process. It has been a long journey and filled with many emotions. Typically I fear any milestone or special occasion as it often came with Erin falling into depression over the past. The D-day milestone being among the hardest. Only hard work and genuine commitment to your family can help heal wounds. Love is powerful.
Erin…while I am away, I wanted to tell you how much I depend on you, how much I miss you, how much I love you. What we have become is a source of strength, energy and peace for me. I cherish every moment, every hug, every smile and every night beside you. I could never have understood the power of love, for how it can strengthen me to endure what life brings. Your support gives me the ability to shed much of the worry about the future as you would support me and our family no matter what hardships we are faced with. You feel as I do, as long as we remain connected and support each other, nothing else matters. You have no idea how comforting that makes me feel.
I am about to start my journey back home to you. I am so thankful for you and cannot wait to see you. To feel your warmth….I will be home to you soon my love.
I haven’t written in a while.
I haven’t felt this alone in a while.
I come here to help stop the voices in my head. When she is silent too me, all I have left is the guy inside and he is not good to me. There are 2 of them really but it is usually the mean, self loathing angry inner voice that wins out. So I write to help get the thoughts out and feel some connection to the world. I don’t have any friends, certainly not anyone I can talk too. She is my only and best friend. I sit alone most days at my desk, isolated and alone. The best days are the days she comes to visit me or brings me lunch. I work from home and so does she. For years now, i look forward to her lovingly prepared lunches or funny themed afternoon snacks. They are not always at lunch time but they are reliable…..reliable unless she is distant. Then i often find her purposely absent from the house at lunch, a clear sign to fend for yourself. I don’t mind having to make myself food, it is the implied “starve for all i care” in the act which is painful. I just remind myself, my pain is nothing compared to hers so I own it.
Life is a funny thing….full of irony, full of the what if’s and should have done. I feel like I have made all the wrong choices in life. Investments, jobs, education and clearly my moral choices were wrong. It is hard at my age to see where the upside is. My mother has cancer, my father could have weeks to live. I could be fired any day with no real prospects for future employment. I have never connected with anyone but Erin….not really. I’m not even a very good father. I’m tired….
Erin has grown cold, silent and distant. I never am sure what triggers her but it is likely the impending reminders this time of year brings. It will be 3 years since first discovery and we’ve had great moments and oh so painful ones. One of the only things I can find pride in these days is my ability to not turn back to my addiction. It is not easy in that there is temptation everywhere in the world but I have this shield of love protecting me. It is Erin. I really don’t ever want to go back to it. I can see how addicts struggle. I don’t, certainly not with her by my side. I look at her and see a future given back to me. A life with opportunities. I see a chance for peace, comfort and love. We both know life will never be the same. We both know things will trigger her and she will have bad days but we also see the good in our lives. It’s funny, I started this post down..sad..lost. Just talking about her brightens my spirits but I know that will fade when she comes home and ignores me. I struggle the most when she is distant. Not struggle with my addiction…but just with life and living. I strive to find things for me to be positive about but it is not always easy.
I am no less sorry for what I have done that when I was first discovered. I may not say sorry all the time but it is the most genuinely implied silence that a person can offer. I take great pains in trying not to remind or trigger. I am not always successful. I will make a reference to a move I like only to have it hurled back at me with the obvious trigger reference in it. I don’t mean it but i cannot be ever vigilant so i just accept my gaff and do what I can to repair it. I wonder if she is tired of me.
So it is December and she is out somewhere….i don’t ask as she would only be baited into lashing out at me to remind me of my past and how it is none of my business where she goes. I don’t begrudge her those moments of hate. She needs to once in a while let them out or they fester like an unkempt wound. Ripe off the band aid and let it breathe once in a while.
I wonder where you are Erin. Wherever it is, i hope you feel loved by me and come back to me soon. I miss you.
I wish I could take Erin’s pain away tonight….
She has fallen and I am not there to help. The irony is she has fallen, in part, because I am not there. There was a long stretch where her pain was quite and we were smiling, laughing, loving, holding hands. We smile at each other, travelling can change that quickly and it has. I have not visited my blog in some time. Strangely that is a good thing as I more often now I turn to this when I feel alone. I will be home tomorrow Erin. I wish I was there now to hold you and help you past this moment towards the next time we can smile together.
I know you are suffering tonight. I am 2000 miles away powerless to help. I sit alone reading your texts filled with anger, pain, anguish and sadness. I absorb them as if doing so will drain some of your pain even if for a short time.
I wish I could drain all the pain away but reality is all too evident. But sometimes wishing and hoping is all you have. Tonight it is all I have.
Goodnight Erin. Sleep soon.
I have returned tonight to visit my old friend, my blog. I had been away from it which is often a sign that things are ok. I usually don’t have time to blog when we are good because I am always near her or working hard to do something for her. She notices everything and appreciates the efforts I make. Those efforts make me feel like I am putting her heart back together one shard at a time.
So here I am tonight because I am alone. I am alone because she did not want to be near me. As she often did in the early days of discovery, she has gone out without letting me know where, when she will return or any other detail. I don’t ask. Asking would infuriate her as she is in full hate right now and any attempt from me would be harshly met. Perhaps the eyes full of hate, perhaps the spiteful words of comparison to my past selfishness. Neither of us need that so I just clean the house or do the laundry and wait. I try to not analyse the current or recent Erin. She has changed so much and so many times that trying to figure out if this is the final version of her is pointless. She sometimes talks of wanting to be on her own. She talks of death or more to the point, driving into oncoming traffic. She talks of her hate and her pain. One a dime she can switch to love and hope. One of the most challenging things about this process is the uncertainty. We could be in mid conversation with everything fine, then a hidden trigger will surface and I’ll make a seemingly harmless interjection only to be met with a fiery bitterness which takes me so aback that my heart will literally skip a beat and stopped for a split second. I am still capable to centering myself in those moments and realize that she is not talking to the ME of now but the ME I was. As a volcano, with immense smoldering lava underneath, she must let off steam from time to time to avoid the catastrophic eruption which changes landscapes forever. Yesterday was one of those times and now is when the lava is slowly flowing down the side and cooling.
I remarked to myself today, it had been almost a month since she has communicated love to me either in speech or text. I saw her last text of love in early march. I try to tell her daily or show her in little efforts. I was remarking recently that I really never new love as I do now, never understood it. Like a child who has learned his times tables finally getting quantum theory. I just never was exposed to or understood love or life as I do now. I wonder if anyone can without experiencing a life altering event. I suspect they would say they do and I would challenge them in that I doubt until you cross that threshold, you can never truly understand. I liken it to having a child. Single people who don’t have kids, can never understand. They will say they do but those who have kids know different. Similarly, I remark that nobody who hasn’t broken a heart can truly understand the weight of that responsibility. I am not looking for sympathy as even if I got it, I’d look upon it with disgust. I write these things as a warning to those others how hold he heart of another too carelessly as I did. Find a way to understand the awesome gift love from another is and cherish it as I do now. It is a gift I have paid dearly for and will not squander again.
SO I sit and read blogs. I wait to see if Erin will in fact come back to me tonight. A million thoughts go through my mind and it is my hope and love for my family which keeps me going.
My thoughts and prayers for all those impacted by infidelity. Both offender and innocent….I know you both are suffering.
I love you Erin.
I often only blog when she is distant. I find it a way to connect with her when i cannot in person. It helps me focus on my goals and reminds me the only way through this is by following the path ahead of me. For me there is no turning back or even looking back to the person i was but keep working on the person i have become.
Today is a rare day i am sitting down to post when things are good. A few days after newyears she came out of her cloud. It often starts with a little gesture of connection. For days she will avoid me, go to bed alone without exchanging words. She will tollerate me but not interact. She is stuck in the mud and filth of my past. I don’t know exactly what goes on but i think she just gets tired of the hate and in a moment, likea wave, it leaves her and she comes back.
It is hard to describe but it is such a uplifting moment when that first touch or gesture of affection happens. You spend days alone in the same space not knowing if or when you might see her smile or treat you in a kind way. A peaceful quite joy is in those moments. It makes all the hard work worth while.
For those in the early days of discovery, i encourage you too have faith and work hard. It can get better if you truly want it too. Search your soul, accept your faults, embrace the good. Cherrish the moments which can help you through the darkness.
We are here today through Erins grace, strength and love for me. She has and continues too teach me life lessons. To many to share today. She still struggles often, more often then she tells me about. I have altered reality for both of us. I must live with that and some days are harder than others. I cherrish every day with her and my kids, even the bad ones.
Today was a good day.
It doesn’t feel like a new year, certainly not a happy one. A few days ago Erin triggered hard and she has been distant. I don’t know exactly what triggered her, in that, know a little but didn’t go digging. The source of the triggers are the same. My infidelity is after all the cause of all the triggers.
So 2016 has come with few words spoken between us and of those, only the necessary. I miss her. We have shared some amazing moments this past year. I wish to hold her and tell her how much I am looking forward to 2016, 2017 and beyond. I know it will take work and strength to get there. I find times like these stretch my faith. I wonder if this is the time she doesn’t come back. Everything she has endured so far should assure me that we can get through this but negative emotions are as much human nature as is love, hope and faith. I try and push them out of my head but it is hard. I keep trying….I keep working.
I’ve started to read blogs again. I needed a break. It is hard to read about all the pain others are suffering when I can see if every day in the one i love. So many people suffering. I wonder if their offending partners are suffering too. I have some strange thoughts and realizations which I am sure most people won’t care about. For those who have been offending partners I wonder if they are quietly suffering as I am. Nobody cares about how I feel, how the pain of what I have done is eating me alive. Most of the time I don’t even care about my own pain, only what I can do to help Erin. Nothing I do for myself helps. The only thing which lifts my heart is an act of kindness from her. It is a vulnerable feeling. Erin has still remained silent to our friends and family about my actions. A burden which weighs heavy on her at times as references and triggers are everywhere. She has her “Sisters” from her support group. I am thankful of that. She believes silence is better than the alternative of everyone walking on eggshells around her and treating her like a wounded animal. All my efforts go toward helping her with her burdens. I support her where I can. I will never be able to repay her for the gifts she has granted me. The moments of love she has shown, the renewed awareness of my family, my children and just how wonderful she is.
I don’t write much here. I don’t have much new to add to this journey. We are still on it and it is a struggle from day to day. I also find that I don’t like putting all my thoughts on here. I don’t want to give in to the negative emotions. I am staying strong, as strong as someone can be given what I have done. Regret, guilt and shame are powerful enemies. I take solace in my ability to break myself of my addiction. I will always be an addict, I know that. It is not something you are cured of. But it is something which can be controlled. People who don’t have the struggle of addiction will never understand that statement. They will not understand that resisting an addiction is something one must try and do. Those who have suffered with addiction, will understand. It is all a matter of choice. I chose to make the right choices for my family now. I know what I have to live for. I chose to live for them.
I wish everyone peace and happiness for 2016 and beyond. I wish it most for my Erin. I wish for the knowledge, strength and resolve to help in every way I can to give her that peace.
I have been neglecting this blog but my heart is heavy tonight so I thought i’d visit an old friend.
I’ll start by saying we were doing well. There were challenges but overall I think we were doing well although the past is never very far from either of our minds. We are approaching D day Plus 2 years. Like I said….we were doing well. Erin still has daily triggers or her mind wandered to the past but she was managing it and I was still doing a great deal to help. I had been traveling some and work has been very stressful. Not a few days ago she told me she will always love me. Today there is silence……
It’s only taken 2 simple, careless and incorrect words to put us back 2 years. Thursday she got this message in her Facebook IM from an anonymous person. 2 words which might be my end. “He’s cheating”. They are referring to me of course or at least that is what she believes. I was out all day taking my bosses to meet my most important client. The morning had started off ok and she told me to “kick ass”. Around lunch I started to get the impression something was up. She had stopped responding. That is always a sign of a negative, perhaps she was triggered or simply hates when I am out of the house. Truth be told I hate leaving the house as it is a strain on her. So when I got home around 10 I found her on the couch staring into space. I sat down and she asked for my phone. I handed it over as I always do now. There is nothing to hide in it so I sit not worried. Sometimes she just does that to feel better. Then I was hit with it. Who is “blank”. I pause to be sure of the answer. I tell her I don’t know that name. I asked why and she tells me that this person sent her a message from the Facebook IM function under the unknown senders. Her facebook page is blank. There is only a name and the message sitting haunting us like a ghost. Erin was devastated. She has had every memory from D Day come flooding back like a giant tsunami wiping us out.
For the record, I have been not only sexually faithful but emotionally faithful. I have not even once typed the word “crai*&%list” and I won’t now. I don’t text, talk or look at another woman in an inappropriate way. I have not been in contact with anyone from my past nor do I want too. I am the happiest I’ve ever been. I am present for my family, I am appreciating the little things I took for granted. I have shed the weight of the guilt and shame which fueled my cycle of addiction. I am not a cheater anymore and there is the crux of my problem. Why would anyone, including erin believe me given my past. This is what I am struggling with tonight. I feel in some way that I have earned this and will never truly free myself from the label and the past. No matter how hard I try, how much I show her that I understand what I have done and how sorry I am, it only takes the tiny seed or doubt to wipe it all away.
So now this one careless act could jeopardize everything I’ve worked so hard to fix. I don’t know what has prompted this message but I do know, in this case, it cannot be true. I am “not cheating” but how do you prove something that isn’t. How do I confront someone who anonymously comments like that. It’s turned the world upside down again. She feel empty again as she did in the early days, It isn’t that I have or haven’t cheated, it is that I did once and this is another reminder putting doubts in her mind. This brings back the memories of discovery after discover of my behaviour. To her, it must be more believable that I am cheating than I have been faithful. That’s the part that hurts the most. I think she was starting to believe that my love was real and I had changed. What is she to believe now?
I have some theory’s on who and why they did this. I plan on tracking down the person as she has left some breadcrumbs to follow. I have no fear confronting her. I will let the weekend pass and then I will present to Erin we both confront the person. There was a time I would have just hidden but not now. Now I have my the truth behind me. The truth I have worked very hard to earn. I am faithful. I am not a cheater anymore.
For now, I sit in silence waiting for my chance to prove I am not guilty. I just fear it will be easier for her to not let me and just give up. After all, how much can one person take.