Category Archives: Uncategorized

Missing her eyes tonight….

I am back to visit my old friend….this blog. I have not visited it in some time.  For those who have followed my story you might remember I come here when I feel alone or sad.  I come here because I have nowhere and nobody else to turn too.  So I write what is in my mind and often in my heart.

Recently we marked 4 years from D-day.  This is always a stressful time of year. She struggles with it but I know.  We had been doing well this year.  Life had been busy but I though we had.  The reality of infidelity and the recovery process is that it is a long hard process.  Things can come out of nowhere and set it back.  I think that is one of the hardest parts. 

This morning I sit and write on the 3rd day of sleeping alone.  The trigger she encountered was unexpected and I can only imagine the waves of anger, frustration and disgust that came back.  The trigger was out of my control and just happened Christmas shopping with my daughter but by way of ownership and blame all triggers are my fault as connected to my wrongdoings.  I get it, I accept it.  It is just hard…..

I must remind myself that Erin’s journey back is harder.

I love my wife.  I love my family.  I am trying every day to put just one piece of her heart back.  Just a few weeks ago Erin had told me what a great husband she had.  That is the way this works.  Good times and bad.  I am in awe of the immense strength she has to endure the swings.  All I want to do is look into her beautiful eyes, to hold her in a warm embrace.  To go for a walk , holding her hand.  She is my best friend.  Right now, I can do none of those things.  I am to stay away from here. I do what she asks, I try and lessen her burden and hope she sees the good in me once again.

So I sit here as she processes the feelings, the anger and hatred which she feels for the man I was.  I sit and hope that she remembers the man I have tried to become these 4 years.  I just sit and wait to see if she cone back.  

Advertisements

For my wife….while I am away.

Erin…while I am away, I wanted to tell you how much I depend on you, how much I miss you, how much I love you.  What we have become is a source of strength, energy and peace for me.  I cherish every moment, every hug, every smile and every night beside you.  I could never have understood the power of love, for how it can strengthen me to endure what life brings.  Your support gives me the ability to shed much of the worry about the future as you would support me and our family no matter what hardships we are faced with.  You feel as I do, as long as we remain connected and support each other, nothing else matters.  You have no idea how comforting that makes me feel.

I am about to start my journey back home to you.  I am so thankful for you and cannot wait to see you.  To feel your warmth….I will be home to you soon my love.

 

Anger, hate, scorn, distrust and lunch…..

She brought me lunch today.  She said she hates me but doesn’t want to see me starve.  It is the little things i live for now.

This weekend she left the bed and slept in our daughters room.  She said i make her skin crawl.  She has such immense mood swings now.  She can love me or hate me in an instant.  For a while now it has been hate.  

We did well for a week while i was away.  I had to go to Europe on business and i was so conscious about keeping in touch.  This trip was huge as i was alone.  Trust is non existant so it was challenging, i did everything i could to stay connected.  I think that trip used up all the positive energy because pretty much since she has been distant and anger.  I try and stay positive.  I look at lunch as her way of saying she loves me through the hate.  

I live for those moments.

Not defending myself….just hoping to clarify.

My wife recently forwarded me this link:

http://www.google.comwww.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=547056

She often googles the blog to see where it is popping up on the web.  It has been an interesting journey so far and I am sometimes caught off guard on how what I have written is taken by other people. This blog was never intended for others.

I have come to respect all the opinions from anyone who has sent them.  I could never have fully understood what anyone in this situation goes through until I went through it myself so I don’t get defensive when I am hit with criticism.  I deserve everything I get as I am guilty.  I know that the pain from this stays raw in the hearts, minds and souls of those who are betrayed and in some cases in those who betray.  I believe I am one of those who are forever changed from my experience.

THE PERSON WROTE:

I wish he’d describe the personal recovery work he’s doing, rather than focus in how intent he is on waiting for his wife to come back” (which I read as “get over it”). His recent posts are about a year in, and superficial. He will start to describe, for example, a meditation seminar. How they sat down on mats. And then, it’s, “and after we were done…” Or an SA meeting–he describes the meeting, and concludes that SA is part of his personal equation. But he does not describe the process of recovery, the Steps, the work HE is doing, but rather turns the microscope (no, not microscope–it’s far too superficial; he’s not looking closely) on Erin.

It’s not just all “faith, love, hope, patience.”

He’s made it about his BS (and outcome), not his own journey. He’s made it about how he will wait for her.

It’s nice that he recognizes her work to R (though describing her angry emotional responses as “psychotic episodes” seems to exhibit a disconnect of some sort), but I’d like to see more of the deep personal work he’s doing. He’s not putting that out there. Instead, he’s displaying his BS. He’s making a mild gesture, creating a very public love letter (which would make me livid, given my own stbx’s tendency to gather ego kibbles and ignore the real work that needs to be done). It’s superficial and strikes me as cowardly. It makes me wonder whether he’s doing the work, or just waiting for Erin to “get over it,” putting in as little effort as he can.

Of course, this is JMO, based on my own experiences and projections. I wish he’d give more of the sense that he GETS it and is really doing the hard work to R. He says he’s working to help his wife heal. That won’t do her a bit of good if he doesn’t do the work he needs to heal. And if he’s attending his first SA meeting a year out and still describing her anger as “falling” and “psychotic episodes,” it does not seem he’s done the work.

I would like to help clarify what I believe is a misunderstanding about my blog and what I chose to write about in the hopes they see it for what it is. I started this not as a blog as all but a journal to myself.  The initial drafts of this was written in the 3rd person as if I was talking to myself.  My wife later converted this to the blog simply to make sure I never lost what I written in the event my computer crashed.  It seemed like a good idea at the time.  I have never published this blog, linked it in any forum or tried to gain exposure.  This was for me….to be able to look back and remember the thoughts, feelings and actions I took and more importantly how it affected my wife and the struggles we both had with this.  I can tell you now, that my mind was not always there in the earliest of times.  I really needed this to help me remember.

I continue writing for the same reason.  I’m not looking to educate people or use this blog for anything more than a record.  I would encourage the same from any spouse who has betrayed their loved ones.  Sometimes when Erin won’t talk to me she reads the blog and it helps.  You may have noticed I do not put specifics on here.  I do so for a simple reason.  I plan to keep this for ever to remind me.  Erin and I will revisit this and while she knows the painful truths of my betrayal, I do not want to inflict her with having to read them over and over.

These specific lines were among the most critical so I felt I wanted to address them:

It’s superficial and strikes me as cowardly. It makes me wonder whether he’s doing the work, or just waiting for Erin to “get over it,” putting in as little effort as he can.

I don’t understand how my blog can be interpreted as cowardly.  My life before, my lying, cheating and addiction was cowardly.  Equally, giving up, leaving and forgetting the damage I have caused, that would be cowardly.  Staying here, watching her break apart and come together and break apart, that has taken all the strength in my mind and body.  Letting go of my former identity and searching for any shred of a moral backbone, accepting faith in a high power as guidance and truly repenting for my past.  That has taken willpower, determination and love.  Struggling with the thoughts which race inside my head of all the wrong things I’ve done.  Struggling with the thoughts they’d all be better off if I was dead.  Realizing that even when it feels like you cannot go on, you must for the ones you love and then keeping that in your heart. This experience, for those offending souses who are truly sorry and truly remorseful, is also very tramatic however I will not attempt to compare it to what the betrayed spouse goes through.  We do have it much easier then them and even so it is life altering.

I am not waiting for Erin to “get over it”.  I do not intend the comments I make about doing the laundry, making lunches, cleaning or other things as trivial efforts to help her with her chores.  I spent years, even before I began my offending behaviour not truly understanding all the things my wife did. I took everything for granted. Now, she needs time to heal, to rest and to regain herself so I pour myself into the dozens of daily chores for several reasons. They give her time to heal, they show her I support her in needing that time and they allow me perspective on what I felt was trivial work. I can say after a year of making beds, doing laundry, making lunches, cleaning the house, vacuuming and more that those are rewarding tasks I’ve come to enjoy. I do them out of love in that she appreciates the extra time for her job and to relax when she can. I am not waiting for her, I am helping her in an indirect way.

As for the work I am doing, I likely could be more forthcoming but again I write this for me and as I do the work and discuss with Erin, I don’t often blog it. With that said, I have done a great deal of self evaluation, criticism, analysis and reflection. Not a day goes by that I don’t reflect on how wrong I have been and how much of everything I have wasted. Once you truly realize that you have been so completely wrong for so long it is pretty straight forward. I was “insert negative adjective” but am changing. I say I am changed but behaviour takes time to change and I will continue to be consistent on those changes.

I have accepted i am an addict in recovery. I read the books, I have worked some of the steps between my job and responsibilities. I am appreciating the little things and trying very hard to stay positive even when my wife overtly hates my guts.

I am not waiting….I am doing, hoping and praying.

I am also not defending myself. I do not wish to argue but inform so I hope this is taken with the humility, humble and genuine nature that it is intended. I truly can understand how all betrayed spouses can see the most well intentioned comments from someone like me as defending or belittling a betrayed spouses’ efforts but that is not me.

I read several blogs from betrayed spouses and i feel for them as i can understand through what i have seen in my wife. I find it nothing short of a miracle the strength, character, love, spirit, compassion, kindness, caring and patience my wife has shown while experiencing all this pain. I can assure you all she has endured far more than I have even begun to describe.

Lastly and I will leave you with this, as I reread the post which prompted this I also came to the conclusion of another not insignificant point of this blog. I do hope people who are on the verge of considering betraying their partner to be able to read first hand what the damage can be like. Perhaps it will give them pause to face their own shortcomings and think twice.

For your consideration….I now turn my thoughts back to my primary purpose of repairing my life, my wife and myself.

Facing my past

This morning I am numb. Last night was one of the most difficult nights I have experienced in months. We were at a friends party until one am. On the drive home we had to drive thru the neighbourhood of one of women I betrayed my wife with. My wife turned to me and said she thought it was time for me to take her to her house. I was caught off guard and a wave of sadness, fear and guilt came over me. I had made a promises to myself I’d never gone near there again and haven’t but now my wife is asking me to drive to it. I have learned many things about how my wife heals and I knew I’d have to face this as part of it. I drove to her house. She asked where I parked, details about how I snuck in and she sat looking at the house for a bit. Then she asked for me to take her to the place I’d go park. It was about 10 min by car, a small parking lot from a conservation area. She asked questions which I tried to answer. We sat for a long time. I shook unable to control my nerves and she sat contemplating the millions of thoughts racing through her head. Suddenly she ended her silence screaming with every ounce of anger, frustration and pain. She screamed and kicked and released her pain. She screamed as long as she could and then was silent again. She only broke her silence to lash out with some painful rhetorical questions to me about my actions. Finally after what felt like an eternity she said we could leave.

We drove home in silence. She went straight to bed and I followed shortly. When we have nights like last night, when she has fallen before bed, I tend to sleep poorly. Generally she goes to bed first and I follow. I gingerly slip into my side of the bed trying to not make any moves which may offend her. I sleep still, stiff and wake sore. I do so for the privilege of simply being in her presence. It is enough for me to not sleep alone and still be permitted to prove the things I have been proving for that past 11 months.

This morning as expected, I am tired, sore and thankful for the opportunity to sit with my son and watch Sunday morning cartoons. I think about the night before. I wait to see what the day brings.

Life speaks to me.

I have returned home from the second of two business trips this month. This one was longer than the last. I’ve taken on so many roles at home that it puts a great deal of strain on Erin when I travel. On the plane home I was watching a movie and there was a moment in the movie where it all came flooding back. I often have those moments where life speaks to me through a picture, a song or a scene in a film. As I sit and write this I cannot actually remember what it was but I know it moved me at the time. It seems I am now capable of listening to what life is willing to tell me. I wonder now if it was talking to me before and I was too self involved to hear or am i so profoundly changed that I am now willing to listen. I don ‘t really know the answer but I am humbled by the messages.

Life is still a day by day challenge. I strive to focus on my family and keep trying to do my best for Erin. When I feel lacking somehow life finds a way to help me up. When I am up life also finds a way to remind me of my journey and brings me back down to where I belong.

I know what I am fighting for so I keep working, hoping and praying for my Erin.

Thank you for the past few days

A letter to Erin:

Thank you for the past few days. It has been amazing connecting with you. It has been a relief of the weight of the shame , guilt and regret I now carry. I know it is often only a temporarily relief but a welcome one.

Spending those nights making love with you, holding you, falling asleep against you. Those moments when you truly love me with your entire being, those are what fuel me to keep enduring my burden….to keep fighting for us. You give me hope.

I know you have fallen tonight as is sometimes the case these days but I will wait for you. I will work for you to lift the pressures of everyday life as best as I can. I will comfort you from near or far as your mood permits. I will pick you up when you fall and I will love you forever.

Thank you for loving me.

A letter for my heart and soul….my Erin.

I will wait for you

She hates me tonight

I will never get use to how I have split my wife into two people.

One who has loved me since the day we met. The one who through all the pain can still show me compassion and caring.

The other fuelled by hate. Hate from all I have done. Hate for all the foreseen and unforeseen consequences of my choices.

She has two faces, one soft warm and kind. One which smiles when I enter the room. It lifts my heart and eases my burden. The other can freeze me in my tracks. Can send me falling. It is so sharp, so raw, so full of pain. I find it hard to breathe. The guilt washes over me and it is like I am swirling down the drain.

Tonight she sees me through the eyes of hate, sorrow and pain. When she looks at me with the glare, my heart sinks. I find it hard to breathe. I must wait and hope for when the anger fades.

Time will tell, it always does.

I love her strength

I watch her struggle.
I watch her fall.
I watch her collapse into a ball of sobbing pained human being.
I watch her fight image flashing before her eyes.
I watch her turn over and over in her brain the multitude of sins I have committed.
I watch her break into pieces.

Then I see her pick herself up.
I see her set aside my past.
I see her recognize the changes in me and listen as she acknowledges them with kindness.
I see her look at me with love, longing, kindness and hope for the future.
I see the strength as she comes back to the “now” and pushes out the past.
I see her reach out to me with loving arms to pick me up as well.
I see her smile.

That happens sometimes daily, weekly or hourly. The incredible strength she has to pick herself up each time.

I love her strength.

She doubts my strength

Lately as she struggles, she often question when I will give up. She wonders how many times I can see her fall before I will get tired or grow impatient waiting for her to be fixed. She thinks I will grow tired of her being good one moment and at the edge of insanity the next. She sees what it does to me when I watch her fall. It rips me apart to see the damage I have done. I am not like the many men who destroy their spouse and then leave. I am here every day, good or bad. I take what I am given, what she needs to release upon me both good and bad. I suffer through this because she is. I endure because she does and she was given no choice in this. I have wronged her and I fight this hard, work this hard to hopefully easy her pain.

She told me she loves me today. We shared amazing embraces. We had lunch together and smiled. I also saw her lose herself and break down in front of our young son. I have destroyed her patience and ability to cope with the smallest issue. My actions have affected so many others which I did not intend.

Yes this is hard but no harder than what she goes through. Yes this is painful but nothing compared to the pain she endures for the chance our family will heal together. She could leave and perhaps ease her pain but she fights for us and so do it. I owe her everything and for that I fight, I endure and I work.

She is worth every ounce I have in me.