Tag Archives: ptsd

Missing her eyes tonight….

I am back to visit my old friend….this blog. I have not visited it in some time.  For those who have followed my story you might remember I come here when I feel alone or sad.  I come here because I have nowhere and nobody else to turn too.  So I write what is in my mind and often in my heart.

Recently we marked 4 years from D-day.  This is always a stressful time of year. She struggles with it but I know.  We had been doing well this year.  Life had been busy but I though we had.  The reality of infidelity and the recovery process is that it is a long hard process.  Things can come out of nowhere and set it back.  I think that is one of the hardest parts. 

This morning I sit and write on the 3rd day of sleeping alone.  The trigger she encountered was unexpected and I can only imagine the waves of anger, frustration and disgust that came back.  The trigger was out of my control and just happened Christmas shopping with my daughter but by way of ownership and blame all triggers are my fault as connected to my wrongdoings.  I get it, I accept it.  It is just hard…..

I must remind myself that Erin’s journey back is harder.

I love my wife.  I love my family.  I am trying every day to put just one piece of her heart back.  Just a few weeks ago Erin had told me what a great husband she had.  That is the way this works.  Good times and bad.  I am in awe of the immense strength she has to endure the swings.  All I want to do is look into her beautiful eyes, to hold her in a warm embrace.  To go for a walk , holding her hand.  She is my best friend.  Right now, I can do none of those things.  I am to stay away from here. I do what she asks, I try and lessen her burden and hope she sees the good in me once again.

So I sit here as she processes the feelings, the anger and hatred which she feels for the man I was.  I sit and hope that she remembers the man I have tried to become these 4 years.  I just sit and wait to see if she cone back.  

Advertisements

Listening to the tears of pain

It often happens at night, it catches her off guard, she will be having a shower or getting ready for bed. The distractions of the day subside and she is defenceless against her own mind. I will be sitting at my desk praying for her to get through one shower. Then I hear it, faint at first, not clear enough to be sure but it often grows to a hysterical painful cry. My heart sinks in those moments with me often praying for peace within her. I am not getting impatient but I pray for her peace soon. She is tired of this heavy burden I’ve set upon her.

Tonight is one of those night. Lately when she falls, she falls hard. We were at a local store with our youngest . We were discussing light fixtures and I had remembered one at another store so I was about to pull it up on my iPhone as I walked around the corner. In an instant a trigger hit her and her eyes became as wide as a wild animal. She shook and had a look of madness upon her. I wanted to rush to her, to hold her, to comfort her but history suggests let her come back on her own. I put the phone away and just waited. We finished shopping and came home.

Later in the evening she showed my an image of a sigh.

IMG_0417.JPG

Imaging only a few short hours before her mind attacked her with images triggering her and now she has the urge to embrace me and show me this sign. A gift to be sure.

However only a few short minutes ago did she collapse on the bathroom floor triggered yet again.

She is fighting for us as much as I fight am. Sometimes we have different battles on the way to winning this war.

I love her for trying.