Category Archives: adultery

Missing her eyes tonight….

I am back to visit my old friend….this blog. I have not visited it in some time.  For those who have followed my story you might remember I come here when I feel alone or sad.  I come here because I have nowhere and nobody else to turn too.  So I write what is in my mind and often in my heart.

Recently we marked 4 years from D-day.  This is always a stressful time of year. She struggles with it but I know.  We had been doing well this year.  Life had been busy but I though we had.  The reality of infidelity and the recovery process is that it is a long hard process.  Things can come out of nowhere and set it back.  I think that is one of the hardest parts. 

This morning I sit and write on the 3rd day of sleeping alone.  The trigger she encountered was unexpected and I can only imagine the waves of anger, frustration and disgust that came back.  The trigger was out of my control and just happened Christmas shopping with my daughter but by way of ownership and blame all triggers are my fault as connected to my wrongdoings.  I get it, I accept it.  It is just hard…..

I must remind myself that Erin’s journey back is harder.

I love my wife.  I love my family.  I am trying every day to put just one piece of her heart back.  Just a few weeks ago Erin had told me what a great husband she had.  That is the way this works.  Good times and bad.  I am in awe of the immense strength she has to endure the swings.  All I want to do is look into her beautiful eyes, to hold her in a warm embrace.  To go for a walk , holding her hand.  She is my best friend.  Right now, I can do none of those things.  I am to stay away from here. I do what she asks, I try and lessen her burden and hope she sees the good in me once again.

So I sit here as she processes the feelings, the anger and hatred which she feels for the man I was.  I sit and hope that she remembers the man I have tried to become these 4 years.  I just sit and wait to see if she cone back.  

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For my wife….while I am away.

Erin…while I am away, I wanted to tell you how much I depend on you, how much I miss you, how much I love you.  What we have become is a source of strength, energy and peace for me.  I cherish every moment, every hug, every smile and every night beside you.  I could never have understood the power of love, for how it can strengthen me to endure what life brings.  Your support gives me the ability to shed much of the worry about the future as you would support me and our family no matter what hardships we are faced with.  You feel as I do, as long as we remain connected and support each other, nothing else matters.  You have no idea how comforting that makes me feel.

I am about to start my journey back home to you.  I am so thankful for you and cannot wait to see you.  To feel your warmth….I will be home to you soon my love.

 

Wish i wasn’t writing this….

I haven’t written in a while.

I haven’t felt this alone in a while.

I come here to help stop the voices in my head.  When she is silent too me, all I have left is the guy inside and he is not good to me.  There are 2 of them really but it is usually the mean, self loathing angry inner voice that wins out.  So I write to help get the thoughts out and feel some connection to the world.  I don’t have any friends, certainly not anyone I can talk too.  She is my only and best friend.  I sit alone most days at my desk, isolated and alone.  The best days are the days she comes to visit me or brings me lunch.  I work from home and so does she.  For years now, i look forward to her lovingly prepared lunches or funny themed afternoon snacks.  They are not always at lunch time but they are reliable…..reliable unless she is distant.  Then i often find her purposely absent from the house at lunch, a clear sign to fend for yourself.  I don’t mind having to make myself food, it is the implied “starve for all i care” in the act which is painful.  I just remind myself, my pain is nothing compared to hers so I own it.

Life is a funny thing….full of irony, full of the what if’s and should have done.  I feel like I have made all the wrong choices in life.  Investments, jobs, education and clearly my moral choices were wrong.  It is hard at my age to see where the upside is.  My mother has cancer, my father could have weeks to live.  I could be fired any day with no real prospects for future employment.  I have never connected with anyone but Erin….not really.  I’m not even a very good father.  I’m tired….

Erin has grown cold, silent and distant.  I never am sure what triggers her but it is likely the impending reminders this time of year brings.  It will be 3 years since first discovery and we’ve had great moments and oh so painful ones.  One of the only things I can find pride in these days is my ability to not turn back to my addiction.  It is not easy in that there is temptation everywhere in the world but I have this shield of love protecting me.  It is Erin.  I really don’t ever want to go back to it.  I can see how addicts struggle.  I don’t, certainly not with her by my side.  I look at her and see a future given back to me.   A life with opportunities.  I see a chance for peace, comfort and love.  We both know life will never be the same.  We both know things will trigger her and she will have bad days but we also see the good in our lives.  It’s funny, I started this post down..sad..lost.  Just talking about her brightens my spirits but I know that will fade when she comes home and ignores me.  I struggle the most when she is distant.  Not struggle with my addiction…but just with life and living.  I strive to find things for me to be positive about but it is not always easy.

I am no less sorry for what I have done that when I was first discovered.  I may not say sorry all the time but it is the most genuinely implied silence that a person can offer.  I take great pains in trying not to remind or trigger.  I am not always successful.  I will make a reference to a move I like only to have it hurled back at me with the obvious trigger reference in it.  I don’t mean it but i cannot be ever vigilant so i just accept my gaff and do what I can to repair it.  I wonder if she is tired of me.

So it is December and she is out somewhere….i don’t ask as she would only be baited into lashing out at me to  remind me of my past and how it is none of my business where she goes.  I don’t begrudge her those moments of hate.  She needs to once in a while let them out or they fester like an unkempt wound.  Ripe off the band aid and let it breathe once in a while.

I wonder where you are Erin.  Wherever it is, i hope you feel loved by me and come back to me soon.  I miss you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A few random thoughts as i wait.

I have returned tonight to visit my old friend, my blog.  I had been away from it which is often a sign that things are ok.  I usually don’t have time to blog when we are good because I am always near her or working hard to do something for her.  She notices everything and appreciates the efforts I make.  Those efforts make me feel like I am putting her heart back together one shard at a time.

So here I am tonight because I am alone.  I am alone because she did not want to be near me.  As she often did in the early days of discovery, she has gone out without letting me know where, when she will return or any other detail.  I don’t ask.  Asking would infuriate her as she is in full hate right now and any attempt from me would be harshly met.  Perhaps the eyes full of hate, perhaps the spiteful words of comparison to my past selfishness.  Neither of us need that so I just clean the house or do the laundry and wait.  I try to not analyse the current or recent Erin.  She has changed so much and so many times that trying to figure out if this is the final version of her is pointless.  She sometimes talks of wanting to be on her own.  She talks of death or more to the point, driving into oncoming traffic.  She talks of her hate and her pain.  One a dime she can switch to love and hope.  One of the most challenging things about this process is the uncertainty.  We could be in mid conversation with everything fine, then a hidden trigger will surface and I’ll make a seemingly harmless interjection only to be met with a fiery bitterness which takes me so aback that my heart will literally skip a beat and stopped for a split second. I am still capable to centering myself in those moments and realize that she is not talking to the ME of now but the ME I was.  As a volcano, with immense smoldering lava underneath, she must let off steam from time to time to avoid the catastrophic eruption which changes landscapes forever.  Yesterday was one of those times and now is when the lava is slowly flowing down the side and cooling.

I remarked to myself today, it had been almost a month since she has communicated love to me either in speech or text.  I saw her last text of love in early march.  I try to tell her daily or show her in little efforts.  I was remarking recently that I really never new love as I do now, never understood it.  Like a child who has learned his times tables finally getting quantum theory.  I just never was exposed to or understood love or life as I do now.  I wonder if anyone can without experiencing a life altering event.  I suspect they would say they do and I would challenge them in that I doubt until you cross that threshold, you can never truly understand.  I liken it to having a child.  Single people who don’t have kids, can never understand.  They will say they do but those who have kids know different.  Similarly, I remark that nobody who hasn’t broken a heart can truly understand the weight of that responsibility.  I am not looking for sympathy as even if I got it, I’d look upon it with disgust.  I write these things as a warning to those others how hold he heart of another too carelessly as I did.  Find a way to understand the awesome gift love from another is and cherish it as I do now.  It is a gift I have paid dearly for and will not squander again.

SO I sit and read blogs.  I wait to see if Erin will in fact come back to me tonight.  A million thoughts go through my mind and it is my hope and love for my family which keeps me going.

My thoughts and prayers for all those impacted by infidelity.  Both offender and innocent….I know you both are suffering.

Goodnight.

I love you Erin.

 

 

 

2016….still waiting to wish her a happy new year.

It doesn’t feel like a new year, certainly not a happy one.  A few days ago Erin triggered hard and she has been distant.  I don’t know exactly what triggered her, in that, know a little but didn’t go digging.  The source of the triggers are the same.  My infidelity is after all the cause of all the triggers.

So 2016 has come with few words spoken between us and of those, only the necessary.  I miss her.  We have shared some amazing moments this past year.  I wish to hold her and tell her how much I am looking forward to 2016, 2017 and beyond.  I know it will take work and strength to get there.  I find times like these stretch my faith.  I wonder if this is the time she doesn’t come back.  Everything she has endured so far should assure me that we can get through this but negative emotions are as much human nature as is love, hope and faith.  I try and push them out of my head but it is hard.  I keep trying….I keep working.

I’ve started to read blogs again.  I needed a break.  It is hard to read about all the pain others are suffering when I can see if every day in the one i love.  So many people suffering.  I wonder if their offending partners are suffering too.  I have some strange thoughts and realizations which I am sure most people won’t care about.  For those who have been offending partners I wonder if they are quietly suffering as I am.  Nobody cares about how I feel, how the pain of what I have done is eating me alive.  Most of the time I don’t even care about my own pain, only what I can do to help Erin.  Nothing I do for myself helps.  The only thing which lifts my heart is an act of kindness from her.  It is a vulnerable feeling.  Erin has still remained silent to our friends and family about my actions.  A burden which weighs heavy on her at times as references and triggers are everywhere.  She has her “Sisters” from her support group.  I am thankful of that.  She believes silence is better than the alternative of everyone walking on eggshells around her and treating her like a wounded animal.  All my efforts go toward helping her with her burdens. I support her where I can.  I will never be able to repay her for the gifts she has granted me.  The moments of love she has shown, the renewed awareness of my family, my children and just how wonderful she is.

I don’t write much here.  I don’t have much new to add to this journey. We are still on it and it is a struggle from day to day.  I also find that I don’t like putting all my thoughts on here.  I don’t want to give in to the negative emotions.  I am staying strong, as strong as someone can be given what I have done.  Regret, guilt and shame are powerful enemies.  I take solace in my ability to break myself of my addiction.  I will always be an addict, I know that.  It is not something you are cured of.  But it is something which can be controlled.  People who don’t have the struggle of addiction will never understand that statement.  They will not understand that resisting an addiction is something one must try and do.  Those who have suffered with addiction, will understand.  It is all a matter of choice.  I chose to make the right choices for my family now.  I know what I have to live for.  I chose to live for them.

I wish everyone peace and happiness for 2016 and beyond.  I wish it most for my Erin.  I wish for the knowledge, strength and resolve to help in every way I can to give her that peace.

Good Night…

 

 

 

Proof of life…..amongst the lies.

I have been neglecting this blog but my heart is heavy tonight so I thought i’d visit an old friend.

I’ll start by saying we were doing well.  There were challenges but overall I think we were doing well although the past is never very far from either of our minds.  We are approaching D day Plus 2 years.  Like I said….we were doing well.  Erin still has daily triggers or her mind wandered to the past but she was managing it and I was still doing a great deal to help.  I had been traveling some and work has been very stressful.  Not a few days ago she told me she will always love me.  Today there is silence……

It’s only taken 2 simple, careless and incorrect words to put us back 2 years. Thursday she got this message in her Facebook IM from an anonymous person.  2 words which might be my end.  “He’s cheating”.  They are referring to me of course or at least that is what she believes.  I was out all day taking my bosses to meet my most important client.  The morning had started off ok and she told me to “kick ass”.  Around lunch I started to get the impression something was up.  She had stopped responding.  That is always a sign of a negative, perhaps she was triggered or simply hates when I am out of the house.  Truth be told I hate leaving the house as it is a strain on her.  So when I got home around 10 I found her on the couch staring into space.  I sat down and she asked for my phone.  I handed it over as I always do now.  There is nothing to hide in it so I sit not worried.  Sometimes she just does that to feel better.  Then I was hit with it.  Who is “blank”.  I pause to be sure of the answer.  I tell her I don’t know that name.  I asked why and she tells me that this person sent her a message from the Facebook IM function under the unknown senders.  Her facebook page is blank.  There is only a name and the message sitting haunting us like a ghost. Erin was devastated.  She has had every memory from D Day come flooding back like a giant tsunami wiping us out.

For the record, I have been not only sexually faithful but emotionally faithful.  I have not even once typed the word “crai*&%list” and I won’t now.  I don’t text, talk or look at another woman in an inappropriate way.  I have not been in contact with anyone from my past nor do I want too.  I am the happiest I’ve ever been.  I am present for my family, I am appreciating the little things I took for granted.  I have shed the weight of the guilt and shame which fueled my cycle of addiction.  I am not a cheater anymore and there is the crux of my problem.  Why would anyone, including erin believe me given my past.  This is what I am struggling with tonight.  I feel in some way that I have earned this and will never truly free myself from the label and the past.  No matter how hard I try, how much I show her that I understand what I have done and how sorry I am, it only takes the tiny seed or doubt to wipe it all away.

So now this one careless act could jeopardize everything I’ve worked so hard to fix. I don’t know what has prompted this message but I do know, in this case, it cannot be true.  I am “not cheating” but how do you prove something that isn’t.  How do I confront someone who anonymously comments like that.  It’s turned the world upside down again.  She feel empty again as she did in the early days,  It isn’t that I have or haven’t cheated, it is that I did once and this is another reminder putting doubts in her mind.  This brings back the memories of discovery after discover of my behaviour.  To her, it must be more believable that I am cheating than I have been faithful.  That’s the part that hurts the most.  I think she was starting to believe that my love was real and I had changed.  What is she to believe now?

I have some theory’s on who and why they did this.  I plan on tracking down the person as she has left some breadcrumbs to follow.  I have no fear confronting her.  I will let the weekend pass and then I will present to Erin we both confront the person.  There was a time I would have just hidden but not now.  Now I have my the truth behind me.  The truth I have worked very hard to earn.  I am faithful.  I am not a cheater anymore.

For now, I sit in silence waiting for my chance to prove I am not guilty.  I just fear it will be easier for her to not let me and just give up.  After all, how much can one person take.

Anger, hate, scorn, distrust and lunch…..

She brought me lunch today.  She said she hates me but doesn’t want to see me starve.  It is the little things i live for now.

This weekend she left the bed and slept in our daughters room.  She said i make her skin crawl.  She has such immense mood swings now.  She can love me or hate me in an instant.  For a while now it has been hate.  

We did well for a week while i was away.  I had to go to Europe on business and i was so conscious about keeping in touch.  This trip was huge as i was alone.  Trust is non existant so it was challenging, i did everything i could to stay connected.  I think that trip used up all the positive energy because pretty much since she has been distant and anger.  I try and stay positive.  I look at lunch as her way of saying she loves me through the hate.  

I live for those moments.

Empty hearts

I feel shame today, I feel sadness, I feel loss, I feel guilt, I feel sorrow, I feel empty.

Take no pity on me as I deserve none.

I destroyed my wife….shattered her heart…..destroyed her reality.

I never understood the power of love and its’ power to do harm.  She loved me so completely and I had no fathom of that concept.  I did not deserve it.  If I understood love in the way I do now, I’d never have contemplated the things I did. 

I feel like i am a murder, i feel like i killed someone. In a way i did, i killed the carefree spirt in her. I killed her image that i would always be truthful, keep her safe and protected from harm. I killed all that.

Many time now when she is sad she will tell me how i was to be the one who was to keep her safe, to protect her. All the things i strive to do now i failed to do then.

I wish i could take it all back.

I don’t write much these days. I really should but it is hard to find the time.

“My heart is empty” she said to me recently. Erin is struggling more these days. She is tortured by all the things i have done. I wish i could do more to help but it seems nothing i do improves things for long. The triggers out way the changes. I try and stay strong. I stay close and experience the highs and lows. I struggle with just how completely i have affected our lives.

Every time i start to feel sorry for myself i think about erin and remember she has it worse. I think if she can endure and fight for us i have no right to give any less of myself. I watch every tear, i listen to every word of hate and anger. I accept all my punishments. I fight for us too in my own ways.

There are good days and bad. Just the other day she smiled at me and thanked me for all i do. She said i was amazing. She appreciates how i never once lost my patience, got defensive or argued with her. How i do everything i can around the house. How mindful i am of every word i use, every song that plays, everything…..

Her kindness fills my bucket.

She makes me lunch most days, even when she is not talking to me. Such little things mean so much to me now. A bit of soup, with crackers and a few slices of bread buttered can make my day. It is because she felt love at that moment and made me lunch.

However, It still does not stop the demons that haunt her, it cannot stop the triggers, the anger she feels or the emptiness. I only hope time helps heal those.

I worry about the future as does she.

I will never stop loving her….

Recognizing what i could have lost

Every day I think about what I could have lost. Every day i am thankful for the life i now have. I consciously stop what i am doing and appreciate where i am in that moment. I appreciate being able to look at my wife, knowing she loves me, knowing we are healing together and not apart. So much has fallen apart in my life but not my life. Our family business has gone under, my brother marriage is falling apart over the money which has been lost, my patents life savings was in the company and at 80+ years hard changes are coming. I am facing insecurity about my own abilities and choices and right now i am managing all this with the support of my wife and love of my family. I could be alone alienated by everyone, in a lonely apartment or condo only seeing my children every other weekend. I could be lost to addiction and never recover. I could be dead leaving my loved ones to suffer and question everything. By the immeasurable strength of my wife and her love for me which i could not begin to describe in depth, i am here, with her.

But i am here. I wake beside the most amazing woman i could ever imagine. We have a long way to go. She is still tortured daily, i watch her fall and see her pick herself up and keep going. She gives me strength to do the same.

She is my angel.

Reflections

I haven’t written for a while…,not here anyway. I write inside my head but haven’t had time to put it here. When i do start writing, i feel like i want to write for hours but usually have 10 min.

I want to work backwards from today to D day, Dec 10th. That is my current goal for this post. I wonder how far I’ll get.

Tonight I sit in my hotel room alone wishing i was home. Erin is distant tonight. She has been triggered today with me being away. My days are packed with multiple meetings for hours. I try and stay connected but it is hard with the time change.

We have been on a roll lately. She had turned a corner not long ago. We have booked a trip for her birthday coming up next month. She often struggles when i travel and i completely understand. I have worked from home for the past year and it has been amazing for our recovery. I feel blessed for the opportunity. I have so much more quality of life. Seeing my kids off to school every day, being able to come downstairs and see my wife anytime i want or she needs. Simply having lunch with her.

It is Jan 22nd and i think back over the month. It’s been a series of ups and downs. It’s had some great moments and some hard nights. I continue to work as hard as i can though routines and efforts have changed. Even writing with as much frequency has been challenging.

In early 2015 she struggled and fought with herself about leaving. She shares a great deal about how she struggles. I can imaging there is more inside which she doesn’t share. The brain has a million thoughts and you only have time to vocalize some. In one conversation about her process for thinking about leaving she told me that in her mind she’d need to want to leave for 3 weeks. She’d want to be sure and in her mind that was a good number. Who knows if upon that 3rd week if she would change her mind. She has not come close. We talk about so much now. I tell her my fears and my insecurities. I feel i truly have a partner in life. She is so good to me.

We often talk about life, about everything. I think she like catching me off guard when she will make a joke about something relating to what i have done. She laughs and i smile. I will never laugh about what i have done. The scope of understanding i now have will never allow me to make light of the subject.

I struggle with many thing. I struggle with how unfair things are. How i have forever changed her. How much of every day life makes light of infidelity.

I try quietly to be proud of who i am now. It often think about how it doesn’t matter how hard i work. What i mean to say is, it wouldn’t matter if i performed miracles and saved children from a burning building. If people knew what i had done i’d always be shunned, labeled cheater or worse. Nothing i could ever do would take that label off. But i remind myself i do not to this all for others, i do it for her, i do it for me and i do it for my family.

She is truly a remarkable woman. This has opened my eyes to that fact. I could go on for hours perhaps days. She tells me often how much she loves me, how much i mean too her. It make me smile and i store those images for the nights she is silent, absent and distant.

Tonight she is distant and i am withdrawing from my smile bank remembering the last time she kissed me, the last time she held me and those words of love.

Good night my love. I miss you.