Lately as she struggles, she often question when I will give up. She wonders how many times I can see her fall before I will get tired or grow impatient waiting for her to be fixed. She thinks I will grow tired of her being good one moment and at the edge of insanity the next. She sees what it does to me when I watch her fall. It rips me apart to see the damage I have done. I am not like the many men who destroy their spouse and then leave. I am here every day, good or bad. I take what I am given, what she needs to release upon me both good and bad. I suffer through this because she is. I endure because she does and she was given no choice in this. I have wronged her and I fight this hard, work this hard to hopefully easy her pain.
She told me she loves me today. We shared amazing embraces. We had lunch together and smiled. I also saw her lose herself and break down in front of our young son. I have destroyed her patience and ability to cope with the smallest issue. My actions have affected so many others which I did not intend.
Yes this is hard but no harder than what she goes through. Yes this is painful but nothing compared to the pain she endures for the chance our family will heal together. She could leave and perhaps ease her pain but she fights for us and so do it. I owe her everything and for that I fight, I endure and I work.
She is worth every ounce I have in me.
I feel like my mind is a prisoner to what I have done. It is as though I In a room of mirrors and with each new turn I see another reflection of who I was and what I have done. I go from getting caught in a moment of self loathing or guilt only to be snapped back to reality as a cupboard door closes too hard and I fear my wife has fallen. Sometimes I am wrong and far too often I am not.
Every little thing triggers her. Reminders are everywhere. We have entered a new phase of our recovery. The extremes of love and hate are absent. Right now is a civil apathy some days. We have not physically touched of any kind in 2 1/2 weeks. I have always just gave her space and let her set the tone of each day. So far the tone is keep your distance and I won’t lose it on you. We have not talked of things in that time but I can see her struggle. I see her stare off into space, her mind racing with thoughts. Immense sadness comes across her face. She struggles each and every day. I struggle knowing what I have done to her and by default me.
It never leaves my mind, it has taken up permanent space in my conscience. I fight the weight of my actions to keep positive and have faith. It is hard some days, the ones where she feels most distant.
I could not have imagined what this would do to me. The guilt and shame weight heavy, heavier than anything I’ve ever experienced.
But I am never giving up.
I wanted to write down some of the little things I now cherish. Things which I either ignored, wasted or never saw before. The things which make life worthwhile.
– walking my kids to school. Getting those hugs from them as the board the bus and having my son ask me if I can be there waiting for him when he steps off after school. Have him see me and a big grin come over his face as he runs over to means hugs me.
– watching my daughter draw a picture. Watching her look at her creation, analyze it, mild it into her masterpiece. Then see the pride on her face as we show how impressed we are in the image. I remember several pieces of kid are which I I tossed out when it became clutter. I should have paid more attention.
– watching my wife smile as she reads a funny or happy article, text or Facebook message. Laughing together with her is now a rare cherished gift.
– taking a momentary break from my chores to sit and watch fish swim around the tank or birds flying from tree to tree in the backyard. Nature can be an amazing stress relief and reminder to slow life down.
– waking up to my wife smile, to her positive “hi” absent of anger, pain and despair. Over these past 9 months I have been fortunate enough to have had not too long a distance between smiles. Over the past few weeks a general underlying anger has settled. There are no positive signs of emotion right now, no hugs, kisses or touching of any kind
– listening to my wife breathe as she sleeps. Being next to her in bed at night is a treat, a gift which I cherish. Being about to hear her knowing I am still here in this house, with my kids, my dog and my wife is truly special and worth the effort.
I could go on and will from time to time. For now goodnight.