I left for work around 11:00 with her blessing. My new morning routine of breakfast with the kids and trying to do things for her is entrenched in my life now.
She let me know as I was arriving at the office, she was having difficulty with me being there. She recanted in great detail how she envisions me with the other person. She is struggling with it and I am struggling with how to fix it. I know there are just some things which despite my best intentions, I will never fix. I decide to ask my brother and dad to switch offices. I make up the reason and both agree. I let her know and she reacts tentative and skeptical but positive. She says that she will never be able to step foot in my office buiding again.
The rest of the day I am anxious and get little done. I leave early to get home. I don’t want to overdo it with being away from her. That night she is distant in bed and she has more flashbacks to what her imagination shows her. One side of her it torturing the other. She is now living the dual life that I used to lead. I chose it, She did not. I regret everything.
There are so many ironies in this situation. How I am now the parent she was, and her me. How I used to live 2 lives and now it is her who feels like 2 people. All of which I did to her. Remember that, you selfish prick.
Never forget what you did.
Great day. Church with our daughter singing in the choir. My wife has been doing well. Last night was bad. She laid into me at bed time and I offered to go sleep downstairs. She barked “no! You are not to run and hide from this pain. You must see what you did.”
She wants me to see every tear, hear every sob and harsh word she has for me. I stay and listen and understand.
Today there were only a few moments where she was sad. She was thinking of the places I was unfaithful and places she can’t/won’t go again. Memories I have killed. We had gone to Florida last March with the kids and after we came home I left for a business trip. I took the other woman with me (along with her friend so she would have company while I was in the office all day), so my wife is discusted knowing that on our family vacation I had already booked flights to take the other woman away with me only days after returning from our family vacation. She is haunted knowing that when we walked the streets of Disney together (which is her favourite place on earth) that I knew in my head that a week later I would be sharing different company.
I need to erase the old memories with new ones. Like going to the movies as a family or skating together on the ice rink in the backyard.
There is Passion in her, desire. As I write this she is in the shower and is looking forward to me exploring her body. What is different now is that passion and desire can turn in a moment if the wrong thing goes into her mind.
We made love. It was perfect.
I woke hopeful. I woke in pain. I was so scared to break the rules of touching her as I shared the bed that I slept on the edge. I slept tense and woke sore.
No signs of kindness today so far. No words but also no negatives so I will remain positive.
Sitting having lunch with the kids. Cannot help feel like I have forcibly traded parents for the kids. I am now the one focused on them and she is focusing on herself. I am gladly giving her the time in hopes that she will heal but I feel more guilt now that I have robbed them of their mother over this holiday. So many consequences I did not consider. Selfish prick.
Around 4:00 she left. I am worried but soon found out she just needed to get out. She is lost and cannot be at home right now. Her words pain me. “Why did it take you destroying me to realize that”. She was referring to how I have told her I know where I belong and are no longer lost. How cruel is life that just when I have found myself it comes at the cost of the one I love. I now feel a greater pain than ever before. I feel sadness beyond what I felt. I feel her slipping away. I am helpless to fix this and all I have is hope and faith I can remain strong and prove myself worthy. I will succeed. I will not fail her again.
She came home about 8. There is coldness in her. No hugs. No kindness. Is there love still there? If not it is because of me. I killed it along with her spirit. Selfish prick.
I asked for a hug. Mistake…there will be no hugs tonight. Time will tell if and when the next will come. For now I take comfort that I am still here and so is she. It means there is still hope. There is still time. As I wrote that I wonder if the next ironic slap is coming.
I still try and see hope but it feels like there was more hope in the early days. There was more talking, more hugs, more tears but good tears. Right now there is emptiness. Vast silence. Lonely silence. I do not long for anything or anyone but the comfort of my wife. She is the only safe place now.
I pray for a sign of love.
A small glimmer of hope. We talked for 3 hours. She invited me to a seminar from a motivational teacher. I would gladly go anywhere with her. There was also anger but it was tempered by kindness. There is love there but it is in a battle with fear and anger. I have hope she believes as I do true love never fails.
I was invited to sleep in our bed again.
All I see is how she is sad. I had brought her juice and an Advil. She would not look at me. She did not want me around. I stood in the door and watched her breakdown. She cried tears of a broken heart. I left her sight so as to lessen the offence but that is impossible. I sit in the hall and listen to her cry. I must not run from her pain. I must watch it and remember. I caused this and I need to see the damage I caused to aid in making sure it never happens again. Last night she drank 1/2 a bottle of cosmos. She is struggling. Christmas provided her a distraction but the next few days there are no distractions. She is left to face the reality of her life. Will my efforts be enough? Time will tell.
My heart aches for her. I thought of how to help her and I realize I cannot do more than I am. Helpless yet again in my life. I felt helpless and adrift before. I sought out things, selfish things, to make me feel better but they never helped. The only peace I have felt has been the last few days where she was happy. Where she allowed herself to love me. I felt home. I felt love and right this second I feel it slipping away.
I woke after a night of bad dreams. I wondered if today was the day she gives up. I am struggling with my fear today. This happens each time she shows me the dark side that I created. I am full of fear she will leave me. I want to believe she has the strength but how can someone have so much strength. She has shown so much strength and love. She has so much love for me. I have created such a torturous life for her. All I can do is try, do my best. Treat her well, treat your children well and put them first. It is not about me. I have chosen to commit to them and if they take me back, I cannot fail them. The only issue now is will I get the chance.
Today was a big step backwards. It started off good. You’ve been invited back into your bed for the past few nights, thus why you’ve had no time to write. Last night was no exception…but something happened today. Not sure if it was something you did. You never are sure why she has her moods and each time she does, you fear this is the one. You wonder if one day she will snap and her light will turn off just as yours turned on. It is another part of the different hell you live in vs. the one she is in. You live on egg shells and most of the time you are happy to be just doing that. Today she texted you she was in a bad place. The morning was great but you think the pressure of all the people saying how great you are has gotten too her. You tried to focus on her but you can only do so much. You fear she is feeling guilty for having to lie to everyone. They aren’t making it easy.
You wish with all your heart you could find more ways to ease her pain. She is trying and you are so proud, impressed, greatful and thankful of her strength. You hope she can endure. She drifted today after you got back from shoveling your parents driveway. You felt sick and bad after going over about 2:30. You went and layed down. Not sure if that was what set her off but when you woke she was not talking to you. That continued pretty much as it has in the past when this happens. She puts on a brave face to everyone but has as little to do with you as she can.
The last few days have been great and the nights even better. You’ve showered with her as her way of both symbolically cleansing you and reacquainting herself with you. This has been both thearaputic and very erotic. You both left hickies on each other (which we have never done before) and there was passionate kissing, fondling and more. You’ve enjoyed every moment and are trying very hard to not get ahead of yourself. You long to be with her, in bed, naked and making love to your wife. You are curious how long she was make you wait and hope it is sometime less then never.
She has struggled with allowing herself to go too fast. She has told you she is sometimes doing things on purpose as punishment. It is all confusing and you are sure it is no less confusing for her but there are many, many great moments to take from the past few days.
A few have been:
Church on Christmas eve.
Giving your girls the necklace and the ring.
Many many looks for genuine love and caring.
Embraces, acts of trust and faith.
You wonder if she feels as you do, that these all seem to wash away when the bad feelings come back. When she drifts off into that dark place she goes to. You want to keep her from it but you know you cannot. Nothing you can do will heal her faster than she heals herself. But you can certainly make it worse. Have faith. Don’t let up. Remember all the great moments which have happened and know more will follow.
You intended to spend the day with your wife but a few errands came up. You’ve stayed connected while away from the house out of respect for her and fear that she will slip backwards. If you could, you’d stay home and care for her always. You came home and it was a good day. That evening after dinner you gave her the ring she had asked for before she learned of the betrayal, and gave your daughter the necklace. She loved it. Being at church with all your family to watch your daughter sing in the choir was special. To see her angelic face in her robes was an amazing experience, one you’d have never experienced had this not happened. There have been so many amazing things come from this and so many to be sorry for. The balance of life seems to have a sense of humor. You and Erin remained connected thru the evening. After the kids were in bed you finished the preparations for Christmas and went to bed. You and your wife made out like teenagers. You love being with her now. It is like a fresh new experience and it feels good. You take what she gives you gladly. You have on a few occasions pushed your limits and she reigns you back in. Be patient. Be respectful. Be hopeful.
I have enjoyed sleeping in our bed the last few nights. I’ve also enjoyed the long showers I’ve experienced with my wife. She needed to feel desired and I needed to show my desire for her. I had not allowed myself to have any thoughts of an erotic nature for weeks now. She has encouraged me to explore her last night, she had explored me the night before. Both experiences were great. For the second night in a row she used me to pleasure herself and climax. I always enjoyed pleasing her. She is struggling with any and all things which she can see me doing with the other person. I can only imagine that is one she will obsess on. The irony of it, as many things have been, her imagination is likely beyond the reality in this case.
Today was the 3rd day I spent any significant amount of time out of the house. In the beginning, I felt anxious, apprehensive and fear when I left the house for any amount of time, let alone several hours. She has shown great strength with in allowing me to leave. We seem to share a few texts when I first leave. She gave me a few songs to listen to and we both comment on specific lyrics which help strengthen our resolve.
Time for bed.
Friday morning….9 days after being discovered. I have slept away from my bed for 9 days. I miss it. When I am invited home to our bed I will sleep for days.