Monthly Archives: January 2014

A few great days

She woke happy Wednesday morning. I took the day off having plans to go downtown to the meditation seminar together. I had been looking forward too it for a while as have changed my entire outlook on life. Before this all happened, I was arrogant, stubborn And had no time for self help or spiritual things. Religion of any kind was wasted on me.

The meditation seminar was put on by the kadampas centre. We had a good day leading up too the seminar. We had a nice drive down. It was another step in our healing as we gave the finger to a location your wife knew you had been. I was terrified driving towards it but was relieved as she laughed at it. We held hands and talked. We arrived early enough to sit and have a sandwich. We enjoy spending time together. We grabbed hot drinks at the coffee shop and headed over to the seminar.

We arrived early and sat right in the middle. We enjoy people watching and this was a good opportunity. The seminar was about an hour and a half which seemed to breeze by. When it ended we sat talking as the theatre cleared out. I didn’t want to leave.

Walking back we stopped for coffee again and a heart cookie. As we sat and talked another song came on the radio and spoke too us. Music has become such a huge part of our healing.

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Knight with no armour

Anger has taken over from love in her.

Despair is fighting hope in me.

I sleep but an hour at a time and wake in a panic. I have destroyed her.

I am not to talk future or hope but those were my sword and shield . I have no defence from the monsters.? What good is a knight without his weapons .

Courage and Sadness

No more talking to myself. No more you this and you that. I am typing this. I did these things and I alone am guilty.

I have destroyed the most beautiful woman in the world. The mother of my children and my soulmate. I did not consciously set out too. I was depressed and felt alone. I made choices which now I regret them all. I cannot think there is a man more sorry for his crimes and more powerless to fix the damage he has caused.

But I am trying. Thru the words of hate, the anguish cries of pain from her broken heart, cold stares comes the occasional smile, a needed hug or kind word. I can see her trying . She never asked for this. She did nothing wrong, certainly nothing that two married people shouldn’t be able to fix. I was not interested at the time and now all I want to do is talk to her. Watch her face, hear her voice.

I love my wife and I destroyed her. I am struggling with that. The easy thing to do is leave but I chose hard. Hard, if successful, means a stronger bond and deeper love than many people ever experience. Hard means I have helped her pain fade or vanish, hard means my kids have a mom and dad who care enough too try. Hard is hard but worth my every last breath. She will not always hate me ( I hope) and I will have deserved it. She alone has the power to forgive. I will support her and cherish her as I should have before .

Her words haunt me.

When I was a little girl I would dream of what my husband would be like. Never did I ever dream that the man I would say yes to marrying would see me as a woman that he could cheat on.

Sometimes things terrible happen to people that makes their life full of sadness… car accident, someone dies. Those terrible things are not in the control of anyone. BUT YOU chose every action. YOU were in 100% control.

I never knew I could love somebody so much one moment and hate them so much the next.

Jan 27th – you see her in pain.

Things are unclear these days. You have put away all talks of hope and the future. You wonder if that was what helped you both heal or just create a false sense of security. You want to be positive but she has asked you not too. You respect her every request not out of guilt but caring.

You also have much less olive branches but they are there. You don’t let yourself enjoy them as you did a few weeks ago. You do not deserve comfort. She does.

She has been hurt soo deeply. She has been telling you all the ways you have destroyed her innocence. She never wanted to be married to a man like you. She loves you but I think is questioning why. You can be the man she always wanted but that was before you destroyed her.

You are no longer proud as you realize it doesn’t matter how you have been. It is how you should have been that matters.

Jan 27th – you see her in pain.

Things are unclear these days. You have put away all talks of hope and the future. You wonder if that was what helped you both heal or just create a false sense of security. You want to be positive but she has asked you not too. You respect her every request not out of guilt but caring.

You also have much less olive branches but they are there. You don’t let yourself enjoy them as you did a few weeks ago. You do not deserve comfort. She does.

She has been hurt soo deeply. She has been telling you all the ways you have destroyed her innocence. She never wanted to be married to a man like you. She loves you but I think is questioning why. You can be the man she always wanted but that was before you destroyed her.

You are no longer proud as you realize it doesn’t matter how you have been. It is how you should have been that matters.

Church – toys r us – dinner and a sleep over

Last night was one of the worst nights I’ve had so far but mine was nothing like hers was. The past few days have been difficult as she struggled. Yesterday there were some of the most vocal outbursts so far. Anger, sadness, anguish and hatred. At 4:20 she lashed out with terrifying screams and smashed her bed, light and hand. Moments your 17 year old son said he was scared. Your heart sank and you didn’t think it could have sunk any further. You went in and talked too him, hugged him and told him everything will be fine. You had no idea it would but that is what you do as a parent.

Morning came and it was time for church. You took your daughter to choir practice and your wife and son would follow later.

Everything in the music to the lesson spoke to us. Even the 5 rules a struggling couple should do. It was impactful for both. Before this happened you were not religious. Before this you didn’t do family stuff. Before this you were blind. You are sad now when the hour long church service finishes. You wish it could go all day.

After we went to t r us and got both some Lego. You made the Lego and enjoyed the afternoon with the kids. She was still distant as she had been but less angry. In the afternoon you talked and she had a realization which helped. Blowup dolls the councillor called them. That is what the other women were too you. How true looking back. Then you both embraced. A long heartfelt embrace. It was great. After all this she is still fighting her way back.

Made dinner together and it was spectacular. Then a family night of watching heartland and blueberry crumble.

Daughter is having a sleep over tonight to easy her pain of being alone in bed.

A great day. You love church and so does she.

God – I had forsaken you.

God – I had forsaken you.

I am now open to you and your lessons and teachings.

I awoke and immediately realized I had forsaken you all this time. This is your lesson.

I pray for my family.

I pray you give my wife the strength to trust in me again. I will not let her down again. My life devoted to her.

God I hear you.


Our father who art in heaven
Hallowed he thy name
Thy kingdom come
Thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day thy daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us
Lead us not into temptation but
Deliver us from evil,
For thy is the kingdom,
The power and the glory
For ever and ever. Ahmen