Monthly Archives: January 2015

Reflections

I haven’t written for a while…,not here anyway. I write inside my head but haven’t had time to put it here. When i do start writing, i feel like i want to write for hours but usually have 10 min.

I want to work backwards from today to D day, Dec 10th. That is my current goal for this post. I wonder how far I’ll get.

Tonight I sit in my hotel room alone wishing i was home. Erin is distant tonight. She has been triggered today with me being away. My days are packed with multiple meetings for hours. I try and stay connected but it is hard with the time change.

We have been on a roll lately. She had turned a corner not long ago. We have booked a trip for her birthday coming up next month. She often struggles when i travel and i completely understand. I have worked from home for the past year and it has been amazing for our recovery. I feel blessed for the opportunity. I have so much more quality of life. Seeing my kids off to school every day, being able to come downstairs and see my wife anytime i want or she needs. Simply having lunch with her.

It is Jan 22nd and i think back over the month. It’s been a series of ups and downs. It’s had some great moments and some hard nights. I continue to work as hard as i can though routines and efforts have changed. Even writing with as much frequency has been challenging.

In early 2015 she struggled and fought with herself about leaving. She shares a great deal about how she struggles. I can imaging there is more inside which she doesn’t share. The brain has a million thoughts and you only have time to vocalize some. In one conversation about her process for thinking about leaving she told me that in her mind she’d need to want to leave for 3 weeks. She’d want to be sure and in her mind that was a good number. Who knows if upon that 3rd week if she would change her mind. She has not come close. We talk about so much now. I tell her my fears and my insecurities. I feel i truly have a partner in life. She is so good to me.

We often talk about life, about everything. I think she like catching me off guard when she will make a joke about something relating to what i have done. She laughs and i smile. I will never laugh about what i have done. The scope of understanding i now have will never allow me to make light of the subject.

I struggle with many thing. I struggle with how unfair things are. How i have forever changed her. How much of every day life makes light of infidelity.

I try quietly to be proud of who i am now. It often think about how it doesn’t matter how hard i work. What i mean to say is, it wouldn’t matter if i performed miracles and saved children from a burning building. If people knew what i had done i’d always be shunned, labeled cheater or worse. Nothing i could ever do would take that label off. But i remind myself i do not to this all for others, i do it for her, i do it for me and i do it for my family.

She is truly a remarkable woman. This has opened my eyes to that fact. I could go on for hours perhaps days. She tells me often how much she loves me, how much i mean too her. It make me smile and i store those images for the nights she is silent, absent and distant.

Tonight she is distant and i am withdrawing from my smile bank remembering the last time she kissed me, the last time she held me and those words of love.

Good night my love. I miss you.

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I think have lost her

Last night she told me I will no longer sleep in the bed. I am to move downstairs. She wants to tell the kids that mommy and daddy are having problems. I think she wants to ease them into the reality that mom and dad will get a divorce. She is talking about if we have to move to one or TWO houses that we might want to declutter things now.

I am struggling right now as I have lost her. I feel it. I feel empty inside knowing I did this all. I destroyed our family. I went to a funeral for a friends sister in law. She passed recently at a young age leaving 4 kids and a husband behind. All I could think of was how unfair that god left me and took her. I had wished I could change places with her.

She fought hard to get past what I have done but regardless of how perfect of a husband I can be now I cannot change what I have done. It continues to pop up and beat her down. None of this is her fault. It is not enough to have learned from my mistakes and change. That only fixes me but cannot help her. She is tortured by what I have done and I understand. Maybe after I am gone she will be able to find peace. I hope so.

I hold the faintest of hope that she will change her mind. I would do anything to have that be true but I cannot turn back time.