Tag Archives: regret

No matter how you change…you still have to pay for what you’ve done.

It has been 4 days now since Erin triggered and shut down.  When she triggers, I trigger.  Make no mistake, i am not comparing the two triggers.  They are not comparable however the reality for me is still here.  Everything is like a amplifier to life.  One thing this recent trigger has done is remind me how I need to stay connected to her.  How many missed moments to kiss her, to hold her hand, to cuddle with her……how much I want to stay connected to her.  It also has reminded me how fragile and fleeting life can be.  I sit typing this and all I want to do is run downstairs and hold her, feel her warmth and feel safe.  She is my safe place. But I cannot….

I have been told to stay away, stay out of her way.  There is only distance right now and I feel it.  I want to run and run and run to close that gap, to close the distance.  For me, the only way to close the distance is too wait, to be patient and hope she comes back.

This distance has been bitter sweet.  It has given me time to re-read my blog and learn from it.  It has reminded me to not waste the time we have.  Lately with everything on my plate, I have neglected the opportunities to just sit with her, to hold her hand and to connect.  Why does it take events like this to remind you to stop and smell the roses?  I will never know…..

I recently watched a movie and the line above was at the end.  I stared to cry….

“No matter how much you change, you still have to pay for what you’ve done.”

Why does that line create so much fear in me?  It is because times like this remind me I can still lose everything.  I can still lose her.  I fear losing her because after all we have been through it has taught me, I was exactly where I was meant to be and just did not realize it.  That seems to be right when life will take it from you.

I miss you and love you Erin.  I’d love to just hold you again one day and until then I will be standing here waiting for you.

 

 

 

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Wish i wasn’t writing this….

I haven’t written in a while.

I haven’t felt this alone in a while.

I come here to help stop the voices in my head.  When she is silent too me, all I have left is the guy inside and he is not good to me.  There are 2 of them really but it is usually the mean, self loathing angry inner voice that wins out.  So I write to help get the thoughts out and feel some connection to the world.  I don’t have any friends, certainly not anyone I can talk too.  She is my only and best friend.  I sit alone most days at my desk, isolated and alone.  The best days are the days she comes to visit me or brings me lunch.  I work from home and so does she.  For years now, i look forward to her lovingly prepared lunches or funny themed afternoon snacks.  They are not always at lunch time but they are reliable…..reliable unless she is distant.  Then i often find her purposely absent from the house at lunch, a clear sign to fend for yourself.  I don’t mind having to make myself food, it is the implied “starve for all i care” in the act which is painful.  I just remind myself, my pain is nothing compared to hers so I own it.

Life is a funny thing….full of irony, full of the what if’s and should have done.  I feel like I have made all the wrong choices in life.  Investments, jobs, education and clearly my moral choices were wrong.  It is hard at my age to see where the upside is.  My mother has cancer, my father could have weeks to live.  I could be fired any day with no real prospects for future employment.  I have never connected with anyone but Erin….not really.  I’m not even a very good father.  I’m tired….

Erin has grown cold, silent and distant.  I never am sure what triggers her but it is likely the impending reminders this time of year brings.  It will be 3 years since first discovery and we’ve had great moments and oh so painful ones.  One of the only things I can find pride in these days is my ability to not turn back to my addiction.  It is not easy in that there is temptation everywhere in the world but I have this shield of love protecting me.  It is Erin.  I really don’t ever want to go back to it.  I can see how addicts struggle.  I don’t, certainly not with her by my side.  I look at her and see a future given back to me.   A life with opportunities.  I see a chance for peace, comfort and love.  We both know life will never be the same.  We both know things will trigger her and she will have bad days but we also see the good in our lives.  It’s funny, I started this post down..sad..lost.  Just talking about her brightens my spirits but I know that will fade when she comes home and ignores me.  I struggle the most when she is distant.  Not struggle with my addiction…but just with life and living.  I strive to find things for me to be positive about but it is not always easy.

I am no less sorry for what I have done that when I was first discovered.  I may not say sorry all the time but it is the most genuinely implied silence that a person can offer.  I take great pains in trying not to remind or trigger.  I am not always successful.  I will make a reference to a move I like only to have it hurled back at me with the obvious trigger reference in it.  I don’t mean it but i cannot be ever vigilant so i just accept my gaff and do what I can to repair it.  I wonder if she is tired of me.

So it is December and she is out somewhere….i don’t ask as she would only be baited into lashing out at me to  remind me of my past and how it is none of my business where she goes.  I don’t begrudge her those moments of hate.  She needs to once in a while let them out or they fester like an unkempt wound.  Ripe off the band aid and let it breathe once in a while.

I wonder where you are Erin.  Wherever it is, i hope you feel loved by me and come back to me soon.  I miss you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Proof of life…..amongst the lies.

I have been neglecting this blog but my heart is heavy tonight so I thought i’d visit an old friend.

I’ll start by saying we were doing well.  There were challenges but overall I think we were doing well although the past is never very far from either of our minds.  We are approaching D day Plus 2 years.  Like I said….we were doing well.  Erin still has daily triggers or her mind wandered to the past but she was managing it and I was still doing a great deal to help.  I had been traveling some and work has been very stressful.  Not a few days ago she told me she will always love me.  Today there is silence……

It’s only taken 2 simple, careless and incorrect words to put us back 2 years. Thursday she got this message in her Facebook IM from an anonymous person.  2 words which might be my end.  “He’s cheating”.  They are referring to me of course or at least that is what she believes.  I was out all day taking my bosses to meet my most important client.  The morning had started off ok and she told me to “kick ass”.  Around lunch I started to get the impression something was up.  She had stopped responding.  That is always a sign of a negative, perhaps she was triggered or simply hates when I am out of the house.  Truth be told I hate leaving the house as it is a strain on her.  So when I got home around 10 I found her on the couch staring into space.  I sat down and she asked for my phone.  I handed it over as I always do now.  There is nothing to hide in it so I sit not worried.  Sometimes she just does that to feel better.  Then I was hit with it.  Who is “blank”.  I pause to be sure of the answer.  I tell her I don’t know that name.  I asked why and she tells me that this person sent her a message from the Facebook IM function under the unknown senders.  Her facebook page is blank.  There is only a name and the message sitting haunting us like a ghost. Erin was devastated.  She has had every memory from D Day come flooding back like a giant tsunami wiping us out.

For the record, I have been not only sexually faithful but emotionally faithful.  I have not even once typed the word “crai*&%list” and I won’t now.  I don’t text, talk or look at another woman in an inappropriate way.  I have not been in contact with anyone from my past nor do I want too.  I am the happiest I’ve ever been.  I am present for my family, I am appreciating the little things I took for granted.  I have shed the weight of the guilt and shame which fueled my cycle of addiction.  I am not a cheater anymore and there is the crux of my problem.  Why would anyone, including erin believe me given my past.  This is what I am struggling with tonight.  I feel in some way that I have earned this and will never truly free myself from the label and the past.  No matter how hard I try, how much I show her that I understand what I have done and how sorry I am, it only takes the tiny seed or doubt to wipe it all away.

So now this one careless act could jeopardize everything I’ve worked so hard to fix. I don’t know what has prompted this message but I do know, in this case, it cannot be true.  I am “not cheating” but how do you prove something that isn’t.  How do I confront someone who anonymously comments like that.  It’s turned the world upside down again.  She feel empty again as she did in the early days,  It isn’t that I have or haven’t cheated, it is that I did once and this is another reminder putting doubts in her mind.  This brings back the memories of discovery after discover of my behaviour.  To her, it must be more believable that I am cheating than I have been faithful.  That’s the part that hurts the most.  I think she was starting to believe that my love was real and I had changed.  What is she to believe now?

I have some theory’s on who and why they did this.  I plan on tracking down the person as she has left some breadcrumbs to follow.  I have no fear confronting her.  I will let the weekend pass and then I will present to Erin we both confront the person.  There was a time I would have just hidden but not now.  Now I have my the truth behind me.  The truth I have worked very hard to earn.  I am faithful.  I am not a cheater anymore.

For now, I sit in silence waiting for my chance to prove I am not guilty.  I just fear it will be easier for her to not let me and just give up.  After all, how much can one person take.

Anger, hate, scorn, distrust and lunch…..

She brought me lunch today.  She said she hates me but doesn’t want to see me starve.  It is the little things i live for now.

This weekend she left the bed and slept in our daughters room.  She said i make her skin crawl.  She has such immense mood swings now.  She can love me or hate me in an instant.  For a while now it has been hate.  

We did well for a week while i was away.  I had to go to Europe on business and i was so conscious about keeping in touch.  This trip was huge as i was alone.  Trust is non existant so it was challenging, i did everything i could to stay connected.  I think that trip used up all the positive energy because pretty much since she has been distant and anger.  I try and stay positive.  I look at lunch as her way of saying she loves me through the hate.  

I live for those moments.

Empty hearts

I feel shame today, I feel sadness, I feel loss, I feel guilt, I feel sorrow, I feel empty.

Take no pity on me as I deserve none.

I destroyed my wife….shattered her heart…..destroyed her reality.

I never understood the power of love and its’ power to do harm.  She loved me so completely and I had no fathom of that concept.  I did not deserve it.  If I understood love in the way I do now, I’d never have contemplated the things I did. 

I feel like i am a murder, i feel like i killed someone. In a way i did, i killed the carefree spirt in her. I killed her image that i would always be truthful, keep her safe and protected from harm. I killed all that.

Many time now when she is sad she will tell me how i was to be the one who was to keep her safe, to protect her. All the things i strive to do now i failed to do then.

I wish i could take it all back.

I don’t write much these days. I really should but it is hard to find the time.

“My heart is empty” she said to me recently. Erin is struggling more these days. She is tortured by all the things i have done. I wish i could do more to help but it seems nothing i do improves things for long. The triggers out way the changes. I try and stay strong. I stay close and experience the highs and lows. I struggle with just how completely i have affected our lives.

Every time i start to feel sorry for myself i think about erin and remember she has it worse. I think if she can endure and fight for us i have no right to give any less of myself. I watch every tear, i listen to every word of hate and anger. I accept all my punishments. I fight for us too in my own ways.

There are good days and bad. Just the other day she smiled at me and thanked me for all i do. She said i was amazing. She appreciates how i never once lost my patience, got defensive or argued with her. How i do everything i can around the house. How mindful i am of every word i use, every song that plays, everything…..

Her kindness fills my bucket.

She makes me lunch most days, even when she is not talking to me. Such little things mean so much to me now. A bit of soup, with crackers and a few slices of bread buttered can make my day. It is because she felt love at that moment and made me lunch.

However, It still does not stop the demons that haunt her, it cannot stop the triggers, the anger she feels or the emptiness. I only hope time helps heal those.

I worry about the future as does she.

I will never stop loving her….

Facing my past

This morning I am numb. Last night was one of the most difficult nights I have experienced in months. We were at a friends party until one am. On the drive home we had to drive thru the neighbourhood of one of women I betrayed my wife with. My wife turned to me and said she thought it was time for me to take her to her house. I was caught off guard and a wave of sadness, fear and guilt came over me. I had made a promises to myself I’d never gone near there again and haven’t but now my wife is asking me to drive to it. I have learned many things about how my wife heals and I knew I’d have to face this as part of it. I drove to her house. She asked where I parked, details about how I snuck in and she sat looking at the house for a bit. Then she asked for me to take her to the place I’d go park. It was about 10 min by car, a small parking lot from a conservation area. She asked questions which I tried to answer. We sat for a long time. I shook unable to control my nerves and she sat contemplating the millions of thoughts racing through her head. Suddenly she ended her silence screaming with every ounce of anger, frustration and pain. She screamed and kicked and released her pain. She screamed as long as she could and then was silent again. She only broke her silence to lash out with some painful rhetorical questions to me about my actions. Finally after what felt like an eternity she said we could leave.

We drove home in silence. She went straight to bed and I followed shortly. When we have nights like last night, when she has fallen before bed, I tend to sleep poorly. Generally she goes to bed first and I follow. I gingerly slip into my side of the bed trying to not make any moves which may offend her. I sleep still, stiff and wake sore. I do so for the privilege of simply being in her presence. It is enough for me to not sleep alone and still be permitted to prove the things I have been proving for that past 11 months.

This morning as expected, I am tired, sore and thankful for the opportunity to sit with my son and watch Sunday morning cartoons. I think about the night before. I wait to see what the day brings.

PTSD – the affects of my lies.

My wife told me she took a PTSD survey lost night. She scored 14 out of 20 and anything about 9 is a for sure she suffers from it. I can see the effects of it on her in every day life. She has trouble with normal routines. She has invasive, unwanted images and thoughts. She hates me and loves me at the same time. She is at odds with herself often and can suffer intense highs and lows within seconds. She is aware of the unfairness of what I have done and can, in the same breath, thank me for the massive effort I am making to both learn about myself and help her heal. She is triggered helplessly by anything and everything. When the triggers happen I am helpless to assist her. I am the enemy at that moment. When she triggers, I have learned to get out of her way. To become meek, humble, supportive and invisible. When she wants to seek out contact she does so. Until she does, i sit in sheer terror of the unknown.

I took the test as well. I scored 15. The way I have expressed this with my wife, we are both in hell, just different hells. I put us there!

Shame and sadness

Today a wave of shame and sadness came over me. I have so much sorrow and sadness for what I have done to my wife. I was standing at the door about to leave on an errand and I just couldn’t go. I just stared out the door and started to cry. My wife asked me what I was doing. I told her that sometimes I am so sad and sorry for what I have done that I don’t think I deserve a second chance. She looked up at me and took my hand. She said sometimes she don’t think I deserve one either. Then she hugged me.

She is so torn up by this. She can be ok one moment and feeling disgust and hate the next. She can kiss me in the most passionate way and turn around and wretch from disgust. She is ripped apart and it is hard to manage for us both.

I know this will talk time, years perhaps. I don’t care as long as I am with her working on it, I have hope.