Category Archives: strength

Thank you for the past few days

A letter to Erin:

Thank you for the past few days. It has been amazing connecting with you. It has been a relief of the weight of the shame , guilt and regret I now carry. I know it is often only a temporarily relief but a welcome one.

Spending those nights making love with you, holding you, falling asleep against you. Those moments when you truly love me with your entire being, those are what fuel me to keep enduring my burden….to keep fighting for us. You give me hope.

I know you have fallen tonight as is sometimes the case these days but I will wait for you. I will work for you to lift the pressures of everyday life as best as I can. I will comfort you from near or far as your mood permits. I will pick you up when you fall and I will love you forever.

Thank you for loving me.

A letter for my heart and soul….my Erin.

I will wait for you

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Happy birthday

My birthday passed recently. I was apprehensive and really felt like I did not deserve a birthday celebration. I remember offering it to my wife wishing I could give it to her as I am sure she did not enjoy hers back in February. Leading up to it she asked what I wanted for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It is our “thing” to pamper the person who’s birthday it is. I felt like I didn’t deserve being pampered so I made no special requests but the basics. She also told me that she had not purchased me anything significant for my birthday, I smiled and said I already have what I wanted for my birthday. I had her and that was all the present I needed.

The day started with sleeping in which I needed badly. I have not slept well and am run down. Overall the day was pleasant, only a few moments where my wife fell. She had put too much pressure on herself to make it perfect and when she fell it made her sad compounding the problem. I did my best to ease her concerns.

Dinner with just the kids was what I had asked for. I did not want the whole extended family as with past birthdays. We had just had Easter dinner with a larger group and it is torture for my wife as she has to pretend she is happy. She calls it “acting for the audience”, because no one in our family knows.

That evening the kids gave me a few fun presents for “dad” and a cake. All in all a nice birthday.

Bed time came and as we lay in bed my wife hopped up and started digging under the bed. She produced a large wrapped frame.

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The image is of a heart, made up of a thousand tiny coloured fragments. She created it for me. My wife spent hours working on it. In some of the fragments she wrote words from our healing journey. Such powerful words fill the broken pieces of her heart. She wrote words like love, strength, hope, best friends, truth, kiss, happy, honesty, together. She created the artwork after her weekend away at the “Take Your Life Back” experience. She has struggled greatly at times but has found new strength and ways to bring herself back from those depths of sadness.

I love the picture for the many things it tells me. As she has explained it, she sees it as the pieces of her heart slowly coming back together as I work so very hard to heal the wounds that I have caused. It tells me she loves me and is trying to come back to me. It also says we have a long way to go because the heart is broken in so many pieces, but we are going down that path together.

My birthday present hangs in our bedroom, where we can keep it private and I can start and end my day looking at the wonderful gift she made me.

Taking her life back

Last Tuesday my wife surprised me again with her strength. She did something which took amazing strength and was helped by a lesson/skill she learned at the recent 3 day retreat she was at.

When I had the affair, the whore was in my SUV…for travel and yes, for sex in parking lots. When my wife learned about that she asked (told) me to sell it, and I sold it within days.

We also have a 2 seater sports car that only sees the summer months. When the whore contacted my wife on facebook back in February my wife asked her if she ever went in the car…. She said “yes, twice”…so when my wife confronted me about it, i said “I’ll sell it immediately.” She suggested waiting for spring when more buyers would be looking. The car has hidden in the garage under a cover awaiting the weather to allow for it to be sold. So, here’s what happened:

Tuesday night after the kids were in bed Erin snuck in the garage and pulled the car into the driveway. (She told our 17 year old he was babysitting for a while, mom had to take dad out for a drive). She asked me to come downstairs, and she handed me my coat. I was confused when she led me outside and i saw the car running. She opened the passenger door and said “let’s go”. We got in and she took both my hands and said this to me: “This is our car. I am in MY seat. This has ALWAYS been my spot. I have decided that our amazing memories of going out in this car WILL NOT be overshadowed by that little piece of nasty who sat her nastiness in this car. You made bad choices then, but that was then. Here we are, in the present, loving our new life together. I choose to be better, not bitter. And I want to go out now, together, to make new memories, where we belong.” The look on my face was of absolute amazement and adoration. I said, “Where has this change of heart come from?” She said, “my weekend, my sisters and my new found love and excitment to take my life, and my seat, back.” My eyes welled up with tears and I said “You are the most amazing woman. I love you forever.” ….and, we sped off, holding hands, feeling incredible. ………

She explained how on the weekend retreat she learned about “taking back her life”. She learned about how she can gain confidence and a renewed sense of self thru various steps of healing. One such step is finding ways to “take back her life”. She had decided that among other things she was going too take back the memories of this car from the images in her head. We drove and talked, we parked and talked, I cried as she told me things and we hugged. It was amazing to see her strength and determination as she struggled to overcome what I have done too her. I am in awe of this woman who loves me after all I have done.

She is slowly taking her life back.

She returned home

She returned home stronger than when she left. I can see it in her. The experiences she has related to me and the friendships she has gained have all strengthened her. I just spent the last few hours listening to her. She has come home tired but energized. While she was away I put an extra effort to get the jobs done she wanted. I worked my ass off and I am also exhausted.

I don’t know what the longterm of this weekend will be but I am hopeful. She seems to have been empowered. I think I will sleep well tonight having my wife in bed next to me.

Silence

Sometimes I wish she would just yell at me so i could hear her voice. It is the hours of silence which is the worst. Hours where I don’t exist.

I speak only when absolutely necessary during her distant times. I hide from her view, I keep my head down and just try to blend into the walls. I work my ass off doing the laundry, dishes, lunches for the kids and anything else I can find.

I will never make up for what I have done but i want to never stop trying.

When she is distant I miss her so and I could be 5 feet from her.

I hope to be permitted to hug her soon.