It has been 4 days now since Erin triggered and shut down. When she triggers, I trigger. Make no mistake, i am not comparing the two triggers. They are not comparable however the reality for me is still here. Everything is like a amplifier to life. One thing this recent trigger has done is remind me how I need to stay connected to her. How many missed moments to kiss her, to hold her hand, to cuddle with her……how much I want to stay connected to her. It also has reminded me how fragile and fleeting life can be. I sit typing this and all I want to do is run downstairs and hold her, feel her warmth and feel safe. She is my safe place. But I cannot….
I have been told to stay away, stay out of her way. There is only distance right now and I feel it. I want to run and run and run to close that gap, to close the distance. For me, the only way to close the distance is too wait, to be patient and hope she comes back.
This distance has been bitter sweet. It has given me time to re-read my blog and learn from it. It has reminded me to not waste the time we have. Lately with everything on my plate, I have neglected the opportunities to just sit with her, to hold her hand and to connect. Why does it take events like this to remind you to stop and smell the roses? I will never know…..
I recently watched a movie and the line above was at the end. I stared to cry….
“No matter how much you change, you still have to pay for what you’ve done.”
Why does that line create so much fear in me? It is because times like this remind me I can still lose everything. I can still lose her. I fear losing her because after all we have been through it has taught me, I was exactly where I was meant to be and just did not realize it. That seems to be right when life will take it from you.
I miss you and love you Erin. I’d love to just hold you again one day and until then I will be standing here waiting for you.