Category Archives: PTSD

Missing her eyes tonight….

I am back to visit my old friend….this blog. I have not visited it in some time.  For those who have followed my story you might remember I come here when I feel alone or sad.  I come here because I have nowhere and nobody else to turn too.  So I write what is in my mind and often in my heart.

Recently we marked 4 years from D-day.  This is always a stressful time of year. She struggles with it but I know.  We had been doing well this year.  Life had been busy but I though we had.  The reality of infidelity and the recovery process is that it is a long hard process.  Things can come out of nowhere and set it back.  I think that is one of the hardest parts. 

This morning I sit and write on the 3rd day of sleeping alone.  The trigger she encountered was unexpected and I can only imagine the waves of anger, frustration and disgust that came back.  The trigger was out of my control and just happened Christmas shopping with my daughter but by way of ownership and blame all triggers are my fault as connected to my wrongdoings.  I get it, I accept it.  It is just hard…..

I must remind myself that Erin’s journey back is harder.

I love my wife.  I love my family.  I am trying every day to put just one piece of her heart back.  Just a few weeks ago Erin had told me what a great husband she had.  That is the way this works.  Good times and bad.  I am in awe of the immense strength she has to endure the swings.  All I want to do is look into her beautiful eyes, to hold her in a warm embrace.  To go for a walk , holding her hand.  She is my best friend.  Right now, I can do none of those things.  I am to stay away from here. I do what she asks, I try and lessen her burden and hope she sees the good in me once again.

So I sit here as she processes the feelings, the anger and hatred which she feels for the man I was.  I sit and hope that she remembers the man I have tried to become these 4 years.  I just sit and wait to see if she cone back.  

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Wish i wasn’t writing this….

I haven’t written in a while.

I haven’t felt this alone in a while.

I come here to help stop the voices in my head.  When she is silent too me, all I have left is the guy inside and he is not good to me.  There are 2 of them really but it is usually the mean, self loathing angry inner voice that wins out.  So I write to help get the thoughts out and feel some connection to the world.  I don’t have any friends, certainly not anyone I can talk too.  She is my only and best friend.  I sit alone most days at my desk, isolated and alone.  The best days are the days she comes to visit me or brings me lunch.  I work from home and so does she.  For years now, i look forward to her lovingly prepared lunches or funny themed afternoon snacks.  They are not always at lunch time but they are reliable…..reliable unless she is distant.  Then i often find her purposely absent from the house at lunch, a clear sign to fend for yourself.  I don’t mind having to make myself food, it is the implied “starve for all i care” in the act which is painful.  I just remind myself, my pain is nothing compared to hers so I own it.

Life is a funny thing….full of irony, full of the what if’s and should have done.  I feel like I have made all the wrong choices in life.  Investments, jobs, education and clearly my moral choices were wrong.  It is hard at my age to see where the upside is.  My mother has cancer, my father could have weeks to live.  I could be fired any day with no real prospects for future employment.  I have never connected with anyone but Erin….not really.  I’m not even a very good father.  I’m tired….

Erin has grown cold, silent and distant.  I never am sure what triggers her but it is likely the impending reminders this time of year brings.  It will be 3 years since first discovery and we’ve had great moments and oh so painful ones.  One of the only things I can find pride in these days is my ability to not turn back to my addiction.  It is not easy in that there is temptation everywhere in the world but I have this shield of love protecting me.  It is Erin.  I really don’t ever want to go back to it.  I can see how addicts struggle.  I don’t, certainly not with her by my side.  I look at her and see a future given back to me.   A life with opportunities.  I see a chance for peace, comfort and love.  We both know life will never be the same.  We both know things will trigger her and she will have bad days but we also see the good in our lives.  It’s funny, I started this post down..sad..lost.  Just talking about her brightens my spirits but I know that will fade when she comes home and ignores me.  I struggle the most when she is distant.  Not struggle with my addiction…but just with life and living.  I strive to find things for me to be positive about but it is not always easy.

I am no less sorry for what I have done that when I was first discovered.  I may not say sorry all the time but it is the most genuinely implied silence that a person can offer.  I take great pains in trying not to remind or trigger.  I am not always successful.  I will make a reference to a move I like only to have it hurled back at me with the obvious trigger reference in it.  I don’t mean it but i cannot be ever vigilant so i just accept my gaff and do what I can to repair it.  I wonder if she is tired of me.

So it is December and she is out somewhere….i don’t ask as she would only be baited into lashing out at me to  remind me of my past and how it is none of my business where she goes.  I don’t begrudge her those moments of hate.  She needs to once in a while let them out or they fester like an unkempt wound.  Ripe off the band aid and let it breathe once in a while.

I wonder where you are Erin.  Wherever it is, i hope you feel loved by me and come back to me soon.  I miss you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Flashbacks

Has it really been a year. It feels like yesterday. Flashbacks to year ago as I sit alone in my family room, my wife has gone out without word. She is processing what she discovered. I did not intentionally deceive her of this recent discovery but with all my lies and 1/2 truths how can she possibly tell the difference.

I sit here wondering how I could have done all those things.

I sit and wonder where she is. I have no right to ask, no right to comment.

Almost a year and it is still raw. I still feel the effects of her pain deeply in my soul. There is no woman on this earth who could take her place. She is the perfect woman in my eyes and I have crushed her.

It has been the best year of my live and the worst. I have found what life is meant to be lived for. I have also destroyed another person, shattered her life. We have grown together in so many ways but I fear tonight she is doubting all she knows in her heart and I have placed that doubt their.

I hope she comes home soon and safe.

I cannot escape my past.

My wife removed her rings tonight.

Triggered by evidence of how sick I was. We approach D Day in 9 days and I was so hoping for us to remain strong approaching it. Again through the giant pinball game of life she stumbled upon something from my past. Something which brings it all rushing back as to what kind of sick perverted lost man she married.

I had hoped that my last year of work might earn us some peace, that karma might stop slapping me but it is not to be.

I have not gone back to my old ways. I have not wanted to do anything to risk the life i now have or the love erin and I share but in nights like this I wonder have I done too much for karma to let me go. Moments of despair lead to the reinforcing of the fact that I brought this upon myself. I reap what I sow and my loved ones suffer for it.

I am trying so hard. I have planted new seed. Seed of knowledge, acceptance, faith and repentance. I have seen what life can be like. The seed is growing new roots but they take time.

It is hard too see her suffer but no harder than the suffering itself she must endure. I see her doubt the choice to stay with me. I see her break apart inside powerless to shield her from it. My past is there and shows its’ ugly head when I least expect it.

I am to blame but she keeps suffering for what I have done.

Tonight we sit in the shit, neck deep and sinking. I hope tomorrow is better.

Listening to the tears of pain

It often happens at night, it catches her off guard, she will be having a shower or getting ready for bed. The distractions of the day subside and she is defenceless against her own mind. I will be sitting at my desk praying for her to get through one shower. Then I hear it, faint at first, not clear enough to be sure but it often grows to a hysterical painful cry. My heart sinks in those moments with me often praying for peace within her. I am not getting impatient but I pray for her peace soon. She is tired of this heavy burden I’ve set upon her.

Tonight is one of those night. Lately when she falls, she falls hard. We were at a local store with our youngest . We were discussing light fixtures and I had remembered one at another store so I was about to pull it up on my iPhone as I walked around the corner. In an instant a trigger hit her and her eyes became as wide as a wild animal. She shook and had a look of madness upon her. I wanted to rush to her, to hold her, to comfort her but history suggests let her come back on her own. I put the phone away and just waited. We finished shopping and came home.

Later in the evening she showed my an image of a sigh.

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Imaging only a few short hours before her mind attacked her with images triggering her and now she has the urge to embrace me and show me this sign. A gift to be sure.

However only a few short minutes ago did she collapse on the bathroom floor triggered yet again.

She is fighting for us as much as I fight am. Sometimes we have different battles on the way to winning this war.

I love her for trying.

Sadness still lives here

I did not sleep well last night. We had a good day and had plans to “cuddle” which we do often now. She went for a shower and was gone long. When she returned she sat on the bed in a way which I recognized as “I want to talk” so I sat up.

She told me she felt I am getting too comfortable. She told me of the struggles of her two sides. She spoke of her thoughts which she hides from me. Her thoughts when she is sad about how she just wants too take our daughter and go….anywhere to escape this life. Somewhere she doesn’t have to see me or think about what I have done. Escape this trap she is in. These feelings happen when she is sad . She told me she ‘d have to have the same feelings of wanting to leave when she is happy, then she’d know what too do. I admire her strength in telling me these difficult things. It takes courage to tell me this and some to hear them as well.

I feel numb this morning. How much we have swapped roles. I was the one uncertain about life before, the one not sure if I wanted to be here or not. I have handed her reason to not want to be in this life and now all I want with my complete soul is a life with her. How ironic my life has become. How sad. I thought briefly this morning of leaving to lessen her pain and take the burden of breaking up the family on my shoulders but I still believe the best chance to help us both heal is by staying. I know I cannot help my wife from a far. It pains her to look at me but when she is up we are amazing. The brightest example of love and devotion. So I WILL endure for her and hope she has the strength to stay.

She said sorry after she told me her feelings. I told her not to be sorry. She has nothing to be sorry about. She did nothing wrong. I told her that I know that in spite of all I am doing the reality is it ma not be enough to help heal her. I have known for some time that she is on the fence.

They say that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved before. All I can say us I have never experienced love than I have in the past 5 months. That I did not realize the depth and power of my love. I will cherish the time I have with her and if She cannot heal I will accept my fate as I alone created it. I love my wife but must admit to myself that it is possible that the only way she am be happy may be without me.

I am sorry I failed you Erin.

Happy birthday

My birthday passed recently. I was apprehensive and really felt like I did not deserve a birthday celebration. I remember offering it to my wife wishing I could give it to her as I am sure she did not enjoy hers back in February. Leading up to it she asked what I wanted for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It is our “thing” to pamper the person who’s birthday it is. I felt like I didn’t deserve being pampered so I made no special requests but the basics. She also told me that she had not purchased me anything significant for my birthday, I smiled and said I already have what I wanted for my birthday. I had her and that was all the present I needed.

The day started with sleeping in which I needed badly. I have not slept well and am run down. Overall the day was pleasant, only a few moments where my wife fell. She had put too much pressure on herself to make it perfect and when she fell it made her sad compounding the problem. I did my best to ease her concerns.

Dinner with just the kids was what I had asked for. I did not want the whole extended family as with past birthdays. We had just had Easter dinner with a larger group and it is torture for my wife as she has to pretend she is happy. She calls it “acting for the audience”, because no one in our family knows.

That evening the kids gave me a few fun presents for “dad” and a cake. All in all a nice birthday.

Bed time came and as we lay in bed my wife hopped up and started digging under the bed. She produced a large wrapped frame.

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The image is of a heart, made up of a thousand tiny coloured fragments. She created it for me. My wife spent hours working on it. In some of the fragments she wrote words from our healing journey. Such powerful words fill the broken pieces of her heart. She wrote words like love, strength, hope, best friends, truth, kiss, happy, honesty, together. She created the artwork after her weekend away at the “Take Your Life Back” experience. She has struggled greatly at times but has found new strength and ways to bring herself back from those depths of sadness.

I love the picture for the many things it tells me. As she has explained it, she sees it as the pieces of her heart slowly coming back together as I work so very hard to heal the wounds that I have caused. It tells me she loves me and is trying to come back to me. It also says we have a long way to go because the heart is broken in so many pieces, but we are going down that path together.

My birthday present hangs in our bedroom, where we can keep it private and I can start and end my day looking at the wonderful gift she made me.

Taking her life back

Last Tuesday my wife surprised me again with her strength. She did something which took amazing strength and was helped by a lesson/skill she learned at the recent 3 day retreat she was at.

When I had the affair, the whore was in my SUV…for travel and yes, for sex in parking lots. When my wife learned about that she asked (told) me to sell it, and I sold it within days.

We also have a 2 seater sports car that only sees the summer months. When the whore contacted my wife on facebook back in February my wife asked her if she ever went in the car…. She said “yes, twice”…so when my wife confronted me about it, i said “I’ll sell it immediately.” She suggested waiting for spring when more buyers would be looking. The car has hidden in the garage under a cover awaiting the weather to allow for it to be sold. So, here’s what happened:

Tuesday night after the kids were in bed Erin snuck in the garage and pulled the car into the driveway. (She told our 17 year old he was babysitting for a while, mom had to take dad out for a drive). She asked me to come downstairs, and she handed me my coat. I was confused when she led me outside and i saw the car running. She opened the passenger door and said “let’s go”. We got in and she took both my hands and said this to me: “This is our car. I am in MY seat. This has ALWAYS been my spot. I have decided that our amazing memories of going out in this car WILL NOT be overshadowed by that little piece of nasty who sat her nastiness in this car. You made bad choices then, but that was then. Here we are, in the present, loving our new life together. I choose to be better, not bitter. And I want to go out now, together, to make new memories, where we belong.” The look on my face was of absolute amazement and adoration. I said, “Where has this change of heart come from?” She said, “my weekend, my sisters and my new found love and excitment to take my life, and my seat, back.” My eyes welled up with tears and I said “You are the most amazing woman. I love you forever.” ….and, we sped off, holding hands, feeling incredible. ………

She explained how on the weekend retreat she learned about “taking back her life”. She learned about how she can gain confidence and a renewed sense of self thru various steps of healing. One such step is finding ways to “take back her life”. She had decided that among other things she was going too take back the memories of this car from the images in her head. We drove and talked, we parked and talked, I cried as she told me things and we hugged. It was amazing to see her strength and determination as she struggled to overcome what I have done too her. I am in awe of this woman who loves me after all I have done.

She is slowly taking her life back.

She returned home

She returned home stronger than when she left. I can see it in her. The experiences she has related to me and the friendships she has gained have all strengthened her. I just spent the last few hours listening to her. She has come home tired but energized. While she was away I put an extra effort to get the jobs done she wanted. I worked my ass off and I am also exhausted.

I don’t know what the longterm of this weekend will be but I am hopeful. She seems to have been empowered. I think I will sleep well tonight having my wife in bed next to me.

Her first night away

My wife has left the house for 3 days. She is attending a seminar, a retreat, a healing for betrayed spouses. I have caused my wife to need this. I am ashamed and proud at the same time. She is fighting alone to come back to me and I am fighting to get her back. It is a daily, sometimes hourly struggle we face.

She is with 15 others all of whom had their spouses, loved ones rip their lives apart as I did to my Erin. I just spoke to her on the phone as she is heading to bed. She sounded good but tired. I hope she sleeps well. I miss her.

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