I am writing this for those who had given us support, kindness and understanding. I decided to stop writing publically and have continued doing so privately. There is no one specific reason, however negative comments from angry betrayed spouses were an influence. They are entitled to their pain for their own relationships. I hope they all find peace on day.
I recently saw some activity on the blog which lead me to a post from someone who speculated I had committed suicide. I felt compelled to dispel that notion. I will admit throughout this ordeal it has crossed both our minds more times that we will admit but I look at my children’s faces and could never put them thru that. The truth is, suicide never helps anyone. It leaves the injured feeling worse and the innocent shattered. It takes away any chance at closure. It is not fair to anyone including yourself.
As for me….I am still working as hard as I can to help my wife heal. We have great days and bad days. Since D day, she has discovered so much about what I have done and she still loves me. I am guilty of giving Erin ‘trickle truths’ and that has been only to protect us. I now realize that it was a mistake. So many mistakes. She can’t experience trauma over and over. I had kept so many things from her but someone contacted her and told her things that I had kept from her. I was terrified but knew enough was enough. I came clean about details that I thought would be bad enough to make her end our marriage. I was wrong, she didn’t. She is remarkable. She struggles with the knowledge and it sometimes overwhelms her. She is strong and brave. She works through the bad times and embraces the good ones. I wrote recently to myself that I like to believe she means it more when she says she loves me than when she says she hates me. We have gone through hell and back these past several months. So many things have happened, so many inspiring things. So many “ah ha” moments. So many smiles with her bright beautiful eyes and so many tears. We constantly see the universe helping us uncover the truth. The truth that we are soul mates, best friends and meant to be together. If I had only seen what I see now I’d have saved her unimaginable pain. We both wonder if we could have arrived at this place without the pain. No point spending too much time wondering as we are here now.
A quick piece of advice knowing full well how I chose to handle this can and will be different for everyone. If you truly love your spouse, never give up.
– Understand the damage you have done and the reality that it may not ever be fully healed.
– Be patient as there is no timeline for forgiveness.
– Be mindful of all the needs she has, from knowing where you are at all times to sometimes needing to just be held.
– Be humble and understanding of their pain and anger. You caused it and you alone may be able to ease it.
I have rediscovered life, love and a new outlook. I see life completely differently now. I used to only see the negatives, the problems, the worries and the faults in everyone around me. I hated my life and sought out solutions which only further isolated me and made me depressed. I was an ass. My wife loves the new me and so do I. I enjoy every day as it comes. Some days are rough but most are a gift and I cherish them all. I take the time to enjoy every hug my wife gives me, every kiss, every smile. I actually STOP and look at her. I look at my kids now and they are amazing little people. I am so proud of them all.
My failing also has roots in a dysfunction in my personality from long ago. I am now seeking help for this defect. Recognizing it, is the first step and knowing it is part of me will help us both keep an eye on it. We are a team now. She is the captain, the leader and my rock. We have a long journey together and we are taking it day by day.
Hope came to me in the first days. It’s message was everywhere as we struggled to survive. Hope lives in both of us today and that is a good thing. May you find the strength to believe in hope.