Monthly Archives: August 2014

Life without glasses

I recently thought of an analogy which I strongly helps represent how I feel. It goes something like this.

It is like going through life without glasses, without the knowledge glasses exist. I saw life blurry and dull. I could go on in great detail as to how I saw life but the point is when this all happened it was like someone gave me glasses. Everything became clear both good and bad. I saw what love really was, what it meant and how deeply it existed. I saw how much my wife truly loves me even after all i have done. I expanded my own ability to love like the grinch who stole Christmas. I am capable of such a greater love and understanding and have committed that new gift completely to my wife.

But I am also now able to see the monster I was, I can see the depths of the damage I have done to my wife. It is hard to balance those two concepts sometimes. I love loving my wife but it kills me when I think of what I have done too her. I read about so many guys who could care less about what they have done. Some even treat their ex-wives like shit. Mine is on a pedestal of which I look at as often as I can. She is hundreds of feet above everyone else and there is nobody in sight but her.

I am thankful of my new sight. I wish the price for it was not so high. Having paid that price I must make good use of this sight now and never let it fade.

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One step closer but not every day….

Some days I feel things are getting better. We laugh, we connect, we live the life we both always wanted and I was too blind to see was possible. We share so much more now and live life in the now.

Then there are days like today where she falls, falls hard to the point of hate. Days like these remind me how much harder I must work, how much further I must go. I did this to her and I must prove to her each day that I am different.

My tragedy is I have come to love my wife after destroying her. I live day to day now hoping for her healing and her return to me. I do not deserve it but work each day at deserving it. As an angel works to earn their wings, I work to earn her love, a love she freely gave and I abused. A love she still holds for me even to this day.

I pray for her now.

Angry at god tonight…

I am angry at god tonight. Recently Erin and I went to a religious event. It was amazing, healing and inspiring. Erin and I grew closer. I’ve never been a spiritual man until this all unfolded. I had been so distant from anything religious or anything to test any faith I may or may not have had. After D day I had encountered so many examples of something leading me, guiding me and giving me hope. I was starting to believe.

Tonight I have had that faith tested. Tonight Erin was going thru my phone which in the past would have made me nervous. IN the past I’d had been hiding things, numbers, emails. It doesn’t bother me now as I have not done anything to be nervous about. SO when she told me an OW’s email came up in the auto fill I was shocked, saddened and angered. I have deleted all contacts from everyone. I had not contacted the OW which had come up or any other person. I’ve stopped all my acting out and had really found a new happiness in my life. She now is questioning me again or worse things I will never change. She has gone to bed and I sit here trying to understand why things happen. This technological feature has further damaged my chance to help my wife heal. I was so mad I have whipped my phone in the pool out of spite as if the phone cares what I do to it.

My problem now is I am angry with God. Angry he has not recognized my unwavering effort to change, to help her heal, to try and find him, to lead a better path. As I write this, I know it is ridiculous that I can sit here and think God actually consciously did this. I guess I am angry at myself, as it was me who has done all those things to hurt my wife and all I want to do it stop hurting her. I just seem to find ways to trigger and hurt her even if I don’t mean too. Had I know the phone would do that, I’d have destroyed it long ago. Maybe I should have. I had gotten rid of all the things that offended her and I can only imagine that phone offended her. My problem was that I did so usually only after she made reference to something which offended her. I am trying and thought I was earning my soul back.

Is this a test? Is god testing us or me?

Maybe it is…maybe he is trying to tell me something but I don’t know what it is. I am simply too new to him to understand why he would do this to someone who is trying so hard.

Tonight I don’t understand life….

To hell and back – Hope Lives

I am writing this for those who had given us support, kindness and understanding. I decided to stop writing publically and have continued doing so privately. There is no one specific reason, however negative comments from angry betrayed spouses were an influence. They are entitled to their pain for their own relationships. I hope they all find peace on day.

I recently saw some activity on the blog which lead me to a post from someone who speculated I had committed suicide. I felt compelled to dispel that notion. I will admit throughout this ordeal it has crossed both our minds more times that we will admit but I look at my children’s faces and could never put them thru that. The truth is, suicide never helps anyone. It leaves the injured feeling worse and the innocent shattered. It takes away any chance at closure. It is not fair to anyone including yourself.

As for me….I am still working as hard as I can to help my wife heal. We have great days and bad days. Since D day, she has discovered so much about what I have done and she still loves me. I am guilty of giving Erin ‘trickle truths’ and that has been only to protect us. I now realize that it was a mistake. So many mistakes. She can’t experience trauma over and over. I had kept so many things from her but someone contacted her and told her things that I had kept from her. I was terrified but knew enough was enough. I came clean about details that I thought would be bad enough to make her end our marriage. I was wrong, she didn’t. She is remarkable. She struggles with the knowledge and it sometimes overwhelms her. She is strong and brave. She works through the bad times and embraces the good ones. I wrote recently to myself that I like to believe she means it more when she says she loves me than when she says she hates me. We have gone through hell and back these past several months. So many things have happened, so many inspiring things. So many “ah ha” moments. So many smiles with her bright beautiful eyes and so many tears. We constantly see the universe helping us uncover the truth. The truth that we are soul mates, best friends and meant to be together. If I had only seen what I see now I’d have saved her unimaginable pain. We both wonder if we could have arrived at this place without the pain. No point spending too much time wondering as we are here now.

A quick piece of advice knowing full well how I chose to handle this can and will be different for everyone. If you truly love your spouse, never give up.

– Understand the damage you have done and the reality that it may not ever be fully healed.
– Be patient as there is no timeline for forgiveness.
– Be mindful of all the needs she has, from knowing where you are at all times to sometimes needing to just be held.
– Be humble and understanding of their pain and anger. You caused it and you alone may be able to ease it.

I have rediscovered life, love and a new outlook. I see life completely differently now. I used to only see the negatives, the problems, the worries and the faults in everyone around me. I hated my life and sought out solutions which only further isolated me and made me depressed. I was an ass. My wife loves the new me and so do I. I enjoy every day as it comes. Some days are rough but most are a gift and I cherish them all. I take the time to enjoy every hug my wife gives me, every kiss, every smile. I actually STOP and look at her. I look at my kids now and they are amazing little people. I am so proud of them all.

My failing also has roots in a dysfunction in my personality from long ago. I am now seeking help for this defect. Recognizing it, is the first step and knowing it is part of me will help us both keep an eye on it. We are a team now. She is the captain, the leader and my rock. We have a long journey together and we are taking it day by day.

Hope came to me in the first days. It’s message was everywhere as we struggled to survive. Hope lives in both of us today and that is a good thing. May you find the strength to believe in hope.

Facing my deamons.

I have decided to blog again for the time being at least.  I have more to say to myself but you are all welcome to be a fly on the wall.

Tonight as I sit alone in my hotel room on another trip, I read the pained text from my wife.  Tonight she hates me.  I never know what tomorrow brings but I greet it with hope.  I can often tell from the way she wakes if it will be a good day.  From a simple word or look, my day can go from uncertain to amazing in the blink of an eye.  She is suffering, struggling and trying to come back to me.  We have great days and in a blink of an eye it can turn.  I have so completely changed our lives. I have destroyed part of her and am trying so hard to help that part heal.  One step closer as we walk this journey together.

I have gone to my first group meeting for addicts.  At least in part, my choices to go outside my marriage have been considered a sexual addiction.  I have so much to learn about that side of me.  It has become clear that I have possessed, an as yet uncategorized problem from early adolescence.  I had always felt different but always hid it from everyone.  That helped fuel the isolation I felt growing up which in turn led to my need through my addiction.  I think that might be part of why I had been such a good liar all my life.  I have never much subscribed to the concept of addictions being a sickness, not in the literal sense but I now see them as factors which can influence someone.  I’m not a good person, or I wasn’t but I want to be.  I am doing everything I can to earn that title.

Day by day

I live so much more in the moment now.i feel every moment as if it was my last. I appreciate them more. I appreciate them all. The single touch of my wife’s hand on my arm. A smile from her. Hey soft warm voice. Sitting having a tea with her on the deck. Feeling her smile. Feeling her sink into my arms. Holding her. A thousand more simple moments.

I think it is because they can all be ripped from me in a second. A wrong word or insidious thought can enter her mind. Then she turns cold, angry, pained and I am yet again reminded of my crimes. She suffers and I suffer with her. I sometimes for myself to suffer more physically to somehow pay from the pain I caused her. It is stupid but it helps me lessen the hate I have for myself. Last night we were celebrating our upcoming anniversary. She triggered hard and told me to not come inside. So I didn’t and spent the night on the deck. If it weren’t for the dog who constantly wanted to check on her and then me, inside and out I’d have stayed there. At 3 am I finally went inside to my kids room. Not that I got much more sleep but at least the dog was happy.

I live day by day now. Never really knowing what tomorrow holds. It has it’s positives. I feel life more. The highs are higher and the lows are lower. The price I gladly pay for the moments of joy and love I share with my wife.

Distance

Last night we helped my brother move. We arrived home late. After sitting in bed looking at her phone for a while she got up and had a shower. There were no words. She was very quite after we got home. After the shower she went downstairs. It was well after midnight so I went to see where she went. Initially I though she when to sleep in one of the kids rooms. I found her downstairs sitting in the dark. I asked what was she doing. She said she was taking some alone time so I said ok and took the hint. I fully expected she’d come too bed in a few min. At 4 am she had not come up so I went to check on her. She was asleep under a blanket on the couch. I did not wake her. At 6:00 I woke to use the toilet and was about to go wake her to come lay in bed. She was either already awake or I had woken her. It ‘s now 7:45 and still no words. I usually start my day waiting for a “hi”. I can usually tell her mood from that one word. Right now I am confused at what is in her head. Since her appointment she has been civil but distant. No affection. Is this part of the processing she does or the turning of a corner. Time always tells but how much time will it take. I will wait to see. That is my life now, a life I created. I do not begrudge her anger, sadness or distance. I caused them and I accept my fate. They sadden me but I simply long for those moments of love and affection. They seem a mile away but at any moment she could give me that look, hug me and tell me something amazing. So for now I wait and hope. I am so tired. Sleep when she is like this is hard to come by.

I will not give up. She gives me hope.