Monthly Archives: February 2014

Desperate to heal

Last night I saw in her the desperate need to heal. She was distant these past few days focusing on finding help. Not help from me, but help from others who have been thru this.

I must let go all my selfish needs and accept the path which allows her to heal. She is struggling with trying to heal with me and our family together. She is so strong. I see the pressure she is under and I will continue to do all I can to help but I can only help so much and not directly. Faith must take her the rest of the way. Hers, mine, faith in the family.

I want my family but I want my wife to heal also. I hope both are possible.

I am so sorry for what I have done. It changes nothing in the present but may change the future if I am true and genuine in my change. I am doing my best to change. I know I will never cheat again but is there more I can do. Yes….I believe there Is.

Do I have the right to be proud of her?

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We talked – She continues to amaze me.

I now know why she has been distant. She has been struggling with what I have done. She has been spending her available time on blogs, researching seminars and talking to people about finding ways to heal for us. Ways to find peace and heal.

In my dark moments of self pity here she is trying to fix herself for us.

She told me she has a broken soul, she is a statistic,one of a large group of women cheated on. I can see the anger as she says it and the pain when she feels it.

She wants to go to a couples seminar with me. She gave me more hope tonight. For the time being at least.

Out of energy

No recharge in the last 48 hours. I get energized with hope by the slightest show of love from my wife. From the moment this started there has been the smallest effort each day.

Not even a smile in a few days now. No kind look but also no pained look. Something has turned for the worse I fear.

I don’t even have the energy to be sad.

I can’t blame her. I was a monster.

I am sorry

I have said to my wife I am sorry but I don’t recall if I’ve ever written about it. I will start tonight and add to it as I go.

I am sorry for breaking my vows.

I am sorry for putting myself before my family.

I am sorry for cheating on you over the past 3 years.

I am sorry for lying too you.

I am sorry for not having the courage to come too you when I felt lost.

I am sorry for not being a better husband and father.

I am sorry for the resulting damage to your self worth, nerves, faith in marriage, faith in me, being able to trust. The physical impacts of uncontrollable sadness and sudden rage.

I am sorry for taking my children’s mother away for the distracted moments you are stuck thinking about what I have done instead of them.

I am sorry for your daycare kids who have lost the person who use too love to play with them. To go that extra special mile with them.

I am sorry for our children if they sense the tension between us.

I am sorry for all the lies.

I am sorry for ever doubting your love when I had it.

I am sorry for the damage I have done to the love you have for me.

I am sorry I have failed everyone in my life.

I am sorry I am not the man she thought she married, that she has to decide if she wants to stay with a much lesser quality man or be faced with leaving the life she knows for an uncertain one.

I am sorry that I have potentially destroyed my childrens’ life as long with my wifes’.

I am sorry for so much more….to be continued.

Will I ever sleep again?

I have no peace in sleep when she and I are distant. My energy comes from her and right now I am empty. I have bad dreams of people I don’t want to dream about.

Then I awake and remember her nightmare doesn’t end when she wakes.

Neither of us can escape this. My only hope is to help each. other thru this together. It is my belief that we can find the strength to get thru. My love for her is real. I am genuine in my pledge to be true and faithful and
never stray in the future. It just might not be enough. I hope and pray it is.

Sadness and hope

Sadness has returned to my wife last night. She collapsed in sadness and told me to get out of the bathroom. Today was empty of communication, empty of caring. I feel empty without her. I have done unspeakable things because of my complete lack of character, my depression, my self pity, my arrogance, my pathetic personality. But I also empowered to change, change for her, change for them. I want yo be a better person for her. Helping her thru this and becoming a better father to my kids are the only rewards I seek in life now. I hope i get the chance.

I have started to feel that stress again like the first days. Body tight, head unable to focus. That happens when i I feel distant from her. When she is falling. We are so connected in that way now. It is like I have no self now, I am what she extends too me.

I have hope I can ease her pain.

Missing my wife

Right now she is in a dark place. So much is on her mind. The gains made or comfort enjoyed from out valentines weekend have seemingly faded. She is not feeling connected to me right now, she is angry and hurt. She cries often. I find it hard to focus when I know she is suffering. I suffer with her if only to be closer too her. I miss her.

Damage – undeniable, immeasurable, significant damage.

When you talk of affairs, you think of the person who was cheated on and for the most the damage that the cheater did to the person cheated on. That damage has be beyond my imagination in the case of my wife. I do not take away from it with this post but seek to expand on the impact beyond what I have done to her.

The damage which took me by surprise is the self destruction which has occurred.

Perhaps this is common or perhaps exceedingly rare. I make assumptions that the damage I have experienced is because of my desire to fix things. I assume that should a man decide he is leaving he might not care about the person he has hurting. That he does not feel the pain he has caused as he does not stick around to see the damage. He avoids it, buries it, runs from it.

I am not that man.

I recently told my wife that I understood why some men leave. Leaving would be easier than facing the issue. Easier than fighting for something you believe in and want. I love my family and they are the most important thing too me. I am just afraid I have realized it too late and have done too much damage.

Regardless of the outcome, I am forever changed. Forever damaged by the sadness, guilt, shame and pain I have. I may in time learn to live with it as she may also but I will never be the same man. Like a criminal branded with his crimes, I will always wear this around my neck. Always feel at any day could be my last with her. At least it feels that way right now. It is hard to imagine anything else.

I am a shell of the man I was. Every aspect of who I was has suffered and been damaged by this. It is the unforeseen result of my actions. So many things have been beyond my imagination.

I know I have also damaged my wife. I have damaged her more than myself but in different ways. The underlying point is she was innocent and didn’t deserve this. I deserve this as I did this to myself. No sympathy for this sinner. Only suffering.

This post is not about how I have destroyed her, it is a warning to those who have lost their way. Go home and seek love and life with those you love before they are gone.

Can I speed up time

I use to wish time would pass so I could be old with my wife. I somehow saw safety in being older. I saw us old and comfortably retired spending all day together. Visiting our kids or going for drives. What I was really saying is I wanted to escape my problems and what I was doing. Escape the guilt and numb feeling. Escape the depression.

When I rediscovered my wife and my life I changed that and wanted to live every second with her. I saw not enough time left to make up for what I have done. Not enough time to share the new love we have.

She is still in so much pain that I am now torn between living in the moment and wishing time passed to the point she can see this pain as a distant memory. I experience the pain I have caused her every day and it tears me apart. I can only imagine what it is doing too her.

Admitting the possibility

Tonight she admitted the possibility that she could fall out of love with me if I was to stop trying so hard. If I don’t make her believe I love her as much as I have been doing. I think that scared her both for saying it too me but also being able to admit it out loud. It also is my greatest fear. I told her recently that I am forever damaged by what I have done. She could leave me tomorrow or 10 years from now and people would understand and hold me responsible.

I fear I will do everything I can to fix things, to try and help her get past this but it won’t be enough to bring her out if the despair of what I have done. She tells me how hard I am working. She tells me she sees it, she tells me not to give up.