It has been a rough week but there have been bright sides. I got my first hug in over a week. It felt amazing. She was struggling today as she had all week since our friends wedding. The wedding was amazing, she was the maid of honour and that was a distraction for a while. She had buried her thoughts and feeling away under the surface but it was now coming back and she was angry.
I came downstairs to ask a question and I immediately saw it in her face. She let her anger out, she vented and raged at me asking how I could have done what I did. I stood there and absorbed her anger in the hopes of taking it from her. It often seems to help. Afterwords I returned upstairs and just sat there crying. When it is unexpected it hits me harder. Something came over her and she decided to let it go. She came up and hugged me. She said she was tired of being mad so she came up and hugged me. The rest of the day went ok.
Tonight she has a therapy appointment, always a source of pressure. We were sitting talking before she was to go and she was triggered hard. She snapped. She had a full psychotic episode as we have come to know them. She took her rings off and said she couldn’t be married to someone who could do what I have done. She was shaking. Her eyes had no colour, the pupils were completely dilated. She wanted to pack a bag and leave. I cannot put into words the complete mental breakdown which accompanies these events. They are physically and mentally draining to her. Watching her go through this breaks my heart. I held her hands and helped her regain her mental capacity. I drove her to her counselling session. Time will tell what the future holds. For now I will continue to be strong, work hard, be forever patient and hope.
There are many many times during the week I watch her struggle. Watching her struggle , being powerless to prevent it is torturous. Some men leave because they want to be elsewhere. Some men cannot handle it out if guilt, shame or apathy. I stay for love. I fight with all my heart and endure the pain for my wife. It is painful for someone who truly cares for another. It is hard but no harder than what she is dealing with. I won ‘t give up on her.
I played this song for her today and she smiled. She begged me to not give up. I won ‘t Erin. I swear to you.
i won’t give up
Last night we talked for a few hours. She is full of hate right now. I disgust her. She talks of wishing she was not born, talks of wanting to die. We both live with those passing thoughts in our head. She questions her decision to stay, she questions my ability to keep up the pace I have set, taking over many of the household jobs. She revisits what I have done asking question and then lashing out with anger and sarcasm. I see her pain, feel it when she is like this. I wish I could take it from her but I gave it to her and can only help her through it. It comes and goes. She buries it when she must but eventually it must be released before she explodes. I am glad I can be there for her to release upon. I am glad I have the strength to take every painful word. Her words hurt but nowhere near to the degree at which I have hurt her. I love her do much but why did it take this for me to see it. I can never answer that.
It is hard not knowing when the switch will flip from love to hate. Not a few days ago , we embraced at a friends wedding. We danced, we shared thoughts of never wanting to be apart. She often said she could not live in this world without me. Cannot imaging a time when we were apart . I am not permitted to die. It was an amazing weekend but then the switch moves from love to hate. She talks of taking the kids and leaving me. She talks of anger, hurt and the sick things I did. I get sad at the realizations they bring.
I look forward to a time where the switch moves back to love and I can be with my soulmate again.
Today was a bad day. It came from what should be something good, something to look forward too. We had been offered some child minding from a friend so we could get away. It was initially only for the weekend to go to our cottage for some us time. I mistakenly thought it might be good if we stretched it into 4 days and I’d take her somewhere warm using our many airmiles. So we started looking last night. Just some rough plans at first. A cold came over her before her bed but nothing was said. It was brewing under her skin. This morning was distance. Only required talk together the kids out the door. I work from home now in a corner of our bedroom. I quite enjoy it. So I was working away when she threw open the door with a hysterical panicked look on her face. She said that we cannot got away. She cannot take the pressure of being away, alone somewhere she might feel trapped. She fears getting on a plane with me, going away with me. She fears being trapped somewhere with me, feeling the pressure of spending money on a trip which she cannot enjoy.
He eyes were wide, I’ve seen the look before and it pains me. She is collapsing inside her mind, mad with the images in her head. It is a combination of a panic attack and psychotic episode. She goes from anger, smashing the door closed, screaming painful things too collapsing on the floor paralyzed, unable to move. All the while I am powerless to help her as I am the cause of her pain.
She finished with a painful reminder of all the things I have taken from her. I have destroyed past memories of times spent together as they get assigned to triggering dates and what or where I was then. The list was endless. I have stolen the future also with things which we now cannot do like go on a plane or trip. Things I did with someone else during my affairs and regret with more force than all the oceans on the globe. I have taken do much from my wife and today she is feeling it all. The list of the things I have stolen from her is massive and I can never return those things. I can only try to help her heal. Perhaps in time she will find the strength to take them back herself.
Not a day goes by which I don ‘t regret my behaviour. Nobody could have explained how cheating can affect some who truly does love their spouse. I thought I knew it all but really had no clue what was really important in life. Not a clue….
But I do now and am fighting for it with all my heart and soul.
Tonight my wife amazed me again. She continues to show me the strength and grace she posses. She has taught me so much.
As I sat on a plane about to leave on yet again another trip away from the woman I love I received a text from her.” Have you departed”. Given how well things have been going I did not immediately jump to concern. If this were a few months back I’d have already been shaking. Thinking she wanted to talk one last time before I flew I suggested a call. She said her phone was about to die but we could try. From the moment she answered I knew something was up. She immediately told me. She was standing outside a store at the mall. She said in a calm voice, ” I am looking at your ow and her new boyfriend”. I’ve not told anyone any specific of my mistakes. Her and I alone know the depths of my failures as a husband. But this person of whom I was unfaithful with was standing 50 feet from her. I was stunned. I was overwhelmed with fear but not what you might think.
I feared that an encounter would hurt my wife and push back her recovery. I feared not being able to be standing next to her holding her strong as I have done since this started. I feared she was alone at that moment. I feared a confrontation and me being 2000 miles away not able to help her process what had transpired. I was after all on a plane about to takeoff, not something I can easily avoid.
This is again where I was shown the incredible strength from her. She asked me to remain on the phone. She related the account as she watched them walk about the store, leave and go down the hall. She stood her ground as if to say I am here, strong and ready to fight for my family. She did not back down, break down or run. She did not hide or scowl about. She took her life back. She let fate decide what was to happen. As it happened there was no contact but for her to do that alone was remarkable. She left feeling empowered, strong and good.
I have now sat on my plane for the past 5 hours wondering how the rest of the evening has gone. My prayers are for my wife to have found strength and peace in the events of tonight.
For me it is another reminder of how stupid I have been and a reward for how hard I have worked to earn the love and respect of my wife. I have a long way to go but I am working hard every day. She inspires me to push my own limits with days like today.
She is the definition of strength and grace.
My blog is titled “come back to me Erin” but it is mistitled. Erin never left and this is really more about my journey back to her and my family. I did not understand just how far away from them I was. The journey I am on these past 10 months has opened my eyes, my mind and my heart. I am firmly planted on the path towards that journey home.
As with any good journey it has many stops along the way and when I finally do arrive home I will be a changed man. I will have grown as a man, with new knowledge, compassion, experiences and faith. As a traveller on a long journey who visits many places I have many stops on my travels, each as unique as the last, all valuable to the overall journey.
My journey is personal, unique to me but beneficial to all who chose to see it. Before I have arrived home I will have visited guilt, pain, sorrow, fear and dread. I will have truly seen amazing sights such as the smiles of my wife and kids. No longer wasting time as they grow up. I will have spent many many moments watching my wife suffer to the point of insanity. I remain at her side as she falls into giant pits of despair, anger and hate.
I will also have had many many humbling and inspiring stops along the way. I cannot put into words the hope and love I have experienced from my wife as we follow this path.
Also like any good journey I have picked things up along the way which I am taking home with me. I have found love, pride, hope and courage. Love, I know love to infinitely greater now. It is a knowledge which one truly cannot see until taught. I have started to visit pride and will revisit that more and more. Finally I am becoming the man whom I can be proud of. I have clung to hope every time Erin has stopped talking to me and that has been often. When I am alone watching her suffer I visit hope and with my new patience I wait for her.
I have also visited courage needed for both being able to admit what I have done and to face the addiction still within me. It takes courage to be able to live life with spirit and I do choose to embrace it.
My journey is not complete but I am on my way home.
I sleep alone tonight having accidentally triggering my wife. I only suspect what I have done as she has not spoken to me about it. I take no offence to the silent treatment as it is well deserved. My crimes are not such that they are easily forgiven.