We met with the bank yesterday. They have asked us to find alternate financing elsewhere. That will be impossible so we are done. Maybe 15 days, maybe 30 then they will shut us down. Then after the trustees get it and our debts are not covered they start on the family assets. I have lived for 25 years from the income of that company as has my father and my brother. We will all lose everything.
I am trying to keep it together. Erin’s distance right now makes me more sad. She has found out so much on such a short time. Her strength is remarkable. Her determination and love for me is a miracle. After everything she still has the capacity to hug me. She told me she “loves us” the other day. She has the ability too hold my hand and make me lunches. She is amazing.
She is distant also. She took away my heart picture. She stopped wearing her rings. My mind believes one day those things will come back too me and i am trying to do everything I can to help them back. She feels so much pressure to pretend in front of everyone. I am afraid the bankruptcy will add pressure and something will snap. I really don’t know how I am still going but I am. I look at my kids and my wife and remind myself I must keep going.
The lessons I have learned about life could fill a series of text books. It is hard too define it all as it has come so quickly. I have been so wrong about so much. I just let life come to me now. I don’t try and control it or manipulate it anymore. The pressure I no longer have from living my secret lives has been replaced by a new pressure. Time will tell how I handle this new one.
It’s 6:00 am and I cannot sleep. I’ve been up for a while now just thinking and writing.
I feel for my brother who has a wife suffering from mental issues and 2 small daughters. He is a shell of himself and is afraid his wife might snap and kill herself and his daughters.
I feel for my mom and dad who had everything in this company. Who are 80 and have nothing left. You don’t start over at 80. Where will they go? Where will we go?
I miss holding my wife. I miss kissing her. I have come to understand what true love is. I have come too appreciate what I have just as life seems poised to take it all from me. Funny how life choses too teach someone a lesson.