Monthly Archives: May 2014

Life has caught up too me

We met with the bank yesterday. They have asked us to find alternate financing elsewhere. That will be impossible so we are done. Maybe 15 days, maybe 30 then they will shut us down. Then after the trustees get it and our debts are not covered they start on the family assets. I have lived for 25 years from the income of that company as has my father and my brother. We will all lose everything.

I am trying to keep it together. Erin’s distance right now makes me more sad. She has found out so much on such a short time. Her strength is remarkable. Her determination and love for me is a miracle. After everything she still has the capacity to hug me. She told me she “loves us” the other day. She has the ability too hold my hand and make me lunches. She is amazing.

She is distant also. She took away my heart picture. She stopped wearing her rings. My mind believes one day those things will come back too me and i am trying to do everything I can to help them back. She feels so much pressure to pretend in front of everyone. I am afraid the bankruptcy will add pressure and something will snap. I really don’t know how I am still going but I am. I look at my kids and my wife and remind myself I must keep going.

The lessons I have learned about life could fill a series of text books. It is hard too define it all as it has come so quickly. I have been so wrong about so much. I just let life come to me now. I don’t try and control it or manipulate it anymore. The pressure I no longer have from living my secret lives has been replaced by a new pressure. Time will tell how I handle this new one.

It’s 6:00 am and I cannot sleep. I’ve been up for a while now just thinking and writing.

I feel for my brother who has a wife suffering from mental issues and 2 small daughters. He is a shell of himself and is afraid his wife might snap and kill herself and his daughters.

I feel for my mom and dad who had everything in this company. Who are 80 and have nothing left. You don’t start over at 80. Where will they go? Where will we go?

I miss holding my wife. I miss kissing her. I have come to understand what true love is. I have come too appreciate what I have just as life seems poised to take it all from me. Funny how life choses too teach someone a lesson.


May 22nd

I woke after having a bad dream. It’s 6 am, no chance to go back to sleep now. The bank is closing in now. I feel numb this morning. Erin went to bed sad after her shower. Showers provide her alone time to think and her mind still wonders. When it does she gets disappointed, sad and distant. I am trying to stay on top of everything which would make her sad. Last time I lay on the floor of the bathroom so she could see me. That helped her not feel alone, this time we forgot and the result was sadness.

I am frustrated that my dreams go places I don’t want them to go. They betray me. I guess that is the nature of dreams. Whatever happens I deserve it. The difference these days is I am acting, behaving, working hard to deserve what I have. I hope it is not too late.

What I love about my wife ( ongoing)

Original post feb 36th, 2014.
I love her laugh. I love it more when it is me who makes her laugh but still love hearing it. I just heard it an I smiled. For a moment I was able to put aside my pain.

I love her kiss and a close second is her hug. Both energize me beyond belief when she offers them.

I love her creativity. To see her be creative with the daycare kids or our own.

I love how amazing a mother she is.

I love her eyes.

I love that all thru this hell I have put her in, she is able to stop periodically to consider my feelings and how I am doing.

I love her little toes.

I love how she “shhhh’s” me when I am too loud.

I love how hard she is fighting for us.

I love her smile.

I love the way she hands me things to put in the garbage when she is standing next to the garbage.

I love her ability to find the perfect gift after only shopping for 4 hours.

I love her love to sleep in.

I love her love of adventure.

I love that she loves Mickey Mouse.

I love that she wanted time with me for her birthday.

I love her strength in this.

I love her……

I will write more as time goes on

April 9th – a few more

I love how she likes to make lists for everything on little scraps of paper. It is so her.

I love how she sees all the little things I am doing and mentions it too me when I need support.

I love how creative she is.

I love how much she gets along with my parents.

I love how stylish she is with a meagre budget. She wears everything well.

I love how well we fit together like a jigsaw puzzle when we sleep naked together.

May 12 – continued

I love the way she looks at me. Today she told me I was so handsome. She loves too look at me.

I love to look at her. I watch her so much more now.

I love her lists. She makes lists for everything. I forget I made a list when I do, or at least I use too. Now I make them too and they actually work.

I love how selfless she is. It is a trait she is bringing out in me.

I love how she sees every little change I have made or action I take to help demonstrate my change in behaviour. Nothing escapes her.

I love how she appreciates every one of those changes.

I love her laugh.

I love making her laugh.

I love we are best friends and soul mates.

I love we finish each others sentences or thoughts now. It happens daily now.


Land mines are everywhere

I texted Erin this morning. She sent me this.


I had hopes for a good day. She had told me to involve her in things as it makes her feel closer to me. I sent her a pic to help her in as I travelled but it backfired and sent her falling. I stepped on a land mine. Now I am 2000 miles away and distracted thinking about my wife. Such is the life I have thrown us in.

There are not enough words to say sorry but I must keep trying. She is my heart and soul. I love her. I will never give up.

On the road again

I am traveling again as is the nature if my job. It strains things with Erin as she dislikes when I am not close to her. She is amazingly strong even in the face of this pressure. Last night she asked me if she should keep her struggles to herself as to not put pressure on me while I travel. I told her no as I am here for her and I do not want her to feel alone ever again. I will withstand the burden I have caused us and it actually brings me closer too her.

Last night she went out with the girls from her retreat weekend. It was a surprise birthday. She was so happy to go. I was so thankful it was while I was away as it gave her a distraction. That is life now, living from one distraction to another.

I recognize what I have done too my wife, how I have destroyed what she had and I am both incredible thankful and ashamed. I am thankful for her strength to stay with me and ashamed for the life I forced her into.

We have struggled from day too day but there has been some great moments, loving, passionate, genuine. Our road ahead is long and filled with potholes, speedbumps and traffic jams but I see no dead end for us.

I continue to work hard, continue to put myself into the life with all my heart. It is all I can do. Only time will tell if I can truly put the pieces of her heart back together.