Anger, hate, scorn, distrust and lunch…..

She brought me lunch today.  She said she hates me but doesn’t want to see me starve.  It is the little things i live for now.

This weekend she left the bed and slept in our daughters room.  She said i make her skin crawl.  She has such immense mood swings now.  She can love me or hate me in an instant.  For a while now it has been hate.  

We did well for a week while i was away.  I had to go to Europe on business and i was so conscious about keeping in touch.  This trip was huge as i was alone.  Trust is non existant so it was challenging, i did everything i could to stay connected.  I think that trip used up all the positive energy because pretty much since she has been distant and anger.  I try and stay positive.  I look at lunch as her way of saying she loves me through the hate.  

I live for those moments.

Empty hearts

I feel shame today, I feel sadness, I feel loss, I feel guilt, I feel sorrow, I feel empty.

Take no pity on me as I deserve none.

I destroyed my wife….shattered her heart…..destroyed her reality.

I never understood the power of love and its’ power to do harm.  She loved me so completely and I had no fathom of that concept.  I did not deserve it.  If I understood love in the way I do now, I’d never have contemplated the things I did. 

I feel like i am a murder, i feel like i killed someone. In a way i did, i killed the carefree spirt in her. I killed her image that i would always be truthful, keep her safe and protected from harm. I killed all that.

Many time now when she is sad she will tell me how i was to be the one who was to keep her safe, to protect her. All the things i strive to do now i failed to do then.

I wish i could take it all back.

I don’t write much these days. I really should but it is hard to find the time.

“My heart is empty” she said to me recently. Erin is struggling more these days. She is tortured by all the things i have done. I wish i could do more to help but it seems nothing i do improves things for long. The triggers out way the changes. I try and stay strong. I stay close and experience the highs and lows. I struggle with just how completely i have affected our lives.

Every time i start to feel sorry for myself i think about erin and remember she has it worse. I think if she can endure and fight for us i have no right to give any less of myself. I watch every tear, i listen to every word of hate and anger. I accept all my punishments. I fight for us too in my own ways.

There are good days and bad. Just the other day she smiled at me and thanked me for all i do. She said i was amazing. She appreciates how i never once lost my patience, got defensive or argued with her. How i do everything i can around the house. How mindful i am of every word i use, every song that plays, everything…..

Her kindness fills my bucket.

She makes me lunch most days, even when she is not talking to me. Such little things mean so much to me now. A bit of soup, with crackers and a few slices of bread buttered can make my day. It is because she felt love at that moment and made me lunch.

However, It still does not stop the demons that haunt her, it cannot stop the triggers, the anger she feels or the emptiness. I only hope time helps heal those.

I worry about the future as does she.

I will never stop loving her….