Tag Archives: sexual addiction

Proof of life…..amongst the lies.

I have been neglecting this blog but my heart is heavy tonight so I thought i’d visit an old friend.

I’ll start by saying we were doing well.  There were challenges but overall I think we were doing well although the past is never very far from either of our minds.  We are approaching D day Plus 2 years.  Like I said….we were doing well.  Erin still has daily triggers or her mind wandered to the past but she was managing it and I was still doing a great deal to help.  I had been traveling some and work has been very stressful.  Not a few days ago she told me she will always love me.  Today there is silence……

It’s only taken 2 simple, careless and incorrect words to put us back 2 years. Thursday she got this message in her Facebook IM from an anonymous person.  2 words which might be my end.  “He’s cheating”.  They are referring to me of course or at least that is what she believes.  I was out all day taking my bosses to meet my most important client.  The morning had started off ok and she told me to “kick ass”.  Around lunch I started to get the impression something was up.  She had stopped responding.  That is always a sign of a negative, perhaps she was triggered or simply hates when I am out of the house.  Truth be told I hate leaving the house as it is a strain on her.  So when I got home around 10 I found her on the couch staring into space.  I sat down and she asked for my phone.  I handed it over as I always do now.  There is nothing to hide in it so I sit not worried.  Sometimes she just does that to feel better.  Then I was hit with it.  Who is “blank”.  I pause to be sure of the answer.  I tell her I don’t know that name.  I asked why and she tells me that this person sent her a message from the Facebook IM function under the unknown senders.  Her facebook page is blank.  There is only a name and the message sitting haunting us like a ghost. Erin was devastated.  She has had every memory from D Day come flooding back like a giant tsunami wiping us out.

For the record, I have been not only sexually faithful but emotionally faithful.  I have not even once typed the word “crai*&%list” and I won’t now.  I don’t text, talk or look at another woman in an inappropriate way.  I have not been in contact with anyone from my past nor do I want too.  I am the happiest I’ve ever been.  I am present for my family, I am appreciating the little things I took for granted.  I have shed the weight of the guilt and shame which fueled my cycle of addiction.  I am not a cheater anymore and there is the crux of my problem.  Why would anyone, including erin believe me given my past.  This is what I am struggling with tonight.  I feel in some way that I have earned this and will never truly free myself from the label and the past.  No matter how hard I try, how much I show her that I understand what I have done and how sorry I am, it only takes the tiny seed or doubt to wipe it all away.

So now this one careless act could jeopardize everything I’ve worked so hard to fix. I don’t know what has prompted this message but I do know, in this case, it cannot be true.  I am “not cheating” but how do you prove something that isn’t.  How do I confront someone who anonymously comments like that.  It’s turned the world upside down again.  She feel empty again as she did in the early days,  It isn’t that I have or haven’t cheated, it is that I did once and this is another reminder putting doubts in her mind.  This brings back the memories of discovery after discover of my behaviour.  To her, it must be more believable that I am cheating than I have been faithful.  That’s the part that hurts the most.  I think she was starting to believe that my love was real and I had changed.  What is she to believe now?

I have some theory’s on who and why they did this.  I plan on tracking down the person as she has left some breadcrumbs to follow.  I have no fear confronting her.  I will let the weekend pass and then I will present to Erin we both confront the person.  There was a time I would have just hidden but not now.  Now I have my the truth behind me.  The truth I have worked very hard to earn.  I am faithful.  I am not a cheater anymore.

For now, I sit in silence waiting for my chance to prove I am not guilty.  I just fear it will be easier for her to not let me and just give up.  After all, how much can one person take.

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Not defending myself….just hoping to clarify.

My wife recently forwarded me this link:

http://www.google.comwww.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=547056

She often googles the blog to see where it is popping up on the web.  It has been an interesting journey so far and I am sometimes caught off guard on how what I have written is taken by other people. This blog was never intended for others.

I have come to respect all the opinions from anyone who has sent them.  I could never have fully understood what anyone in this situation goes through until I went through it myself so I don’t get defensive when I am hit with criticism.  I deserve everything I get as I am guilty.  I know that the pain from this stays raw in the hearts, minds and souls of those who are betrayed and in some cases in those who betray.  I believe I am one of those who are forever changed from my experience.

THE PERSON WROTE:

I wish he’d describe the personal recovery work he’s doing, rather than focus in how intent he is on waiting for his wife to come back” (which I read as “get over it”). His recent posts are about a year in, and superficial. He will start to describe, for example, a meditation seminar. How they sat down on mats. And then, it’s, “and after we were done…” Or an SA meeting–he describes the meeting, and concludes that SA is part of his personal equation. But he does not describe the process of recovery, the Steps, the work HE is doing, but rather turns the microscope (no, not microscope–it’s far too superficial; he’s not looking closely) on Erin.

It’s not just all “faith, love, hope, patience.”

He’s made it about his BS (and outcome), not his own journey. He’s made it about how he will wait for her.

It’s nice that he recognizes her work to R (though describing her angry emotional responses as “psychotic episodes” seems to exhibit a disconnect of some sort), but I’d like to see more of the deep personal work he’s doing. He’s not putting that out there. Instead, he’s displaying his BS. He’s making a mild gesture, creating a very public love letter (which would make me livid, given my own stbx’s tendency to gather ego kibbles and ignore the real work that needs to be done). It’s superficial and strikes me as cowardly. It makes me wonder whether he’s doing the work, or just waiting for Erin to “get over it,” putting in as little effort as he can.

Of course, this is JMO, based on my own experiences and projections. I wish he’d give more of the sense that he GETS it and is really doing the hard work to R. He says he’s working to help his wife heal. That won’t do her a bit of good if he doesn’t do the work he needs to heal. And if he’s attending his first SA meeting a year out and still describing her anger as “falling” and “psychotic episodes,” it does not seem he’s done the work.

I would like to help clarify what I believe is a misunderstanding about my blog and what I chose to write about in the hopes they see it for what it is. I started this not as a blog as all but a journal to myself.  The initial drafts of this was written in the 3rd person as if I was talking to myself.  My wife later converted this to the blog simply to make sure I never lost what I written in the event my computer crashed.  It seemed like a good idea at the time.  I have never published this blog, linked it in any forum or tried to gain exposure.  This was for me….to be able to look back and remember the thoughts, feelings and actions I took and more importantly how it affected my wife and the struggles we both had with this.  I can tell you now, that my mind was not always there in the earliest of times.  I really needed this to help me remember.

I continue writing for the same reason.  I’m not looking to educate people or use this blog for anything more than a record.  I would encourage the same from any spouse who has betrayed their loved ones.  Sometimes when Erin won’t talk to me she reads the blog and it helps.  You may have noticed I do not put specifics on here.  I do so for a simple reason.  I plan to keep this for ever to remind me.  Erin and I will revisit this and while she knows the painful truths of my betrayal, I do not want to inflict her with having to read them over and over.

These specific lines were among the most critical so I felt I wanted to address them:

It’s superficial and strikes me as cowardly. It makes me wonder whether he’s doing the work, or just waiting for Erin to “get over it,” putting in as little effort as he can.

I don’t understand how my blog can be interpreted as cowardly.  My life before, my lying, cheating and addiction was cowardly.  Equally, giving up, leaving and forgetting the damage I have caused, that would be cowardly.  Staying here, watching her break apart and come together and break apart, that has taken all the strength in my mind and body.  Letting go of my former identity and searching for any shred of a moral backbone, accepting faith in a high power as guidance and truly repenting for my past.  That has taken willpower, determination and love.  Struggling with the thoughts which race inside my head of all the wrong things I’ve done.  Struggling with the thoughts they’d all be better off if I was dead.  Realizing that even when it feels like you cannot go on, you must for the ones you love and then keeping that in your heart. This experience, for those offending souses who are truly sorry and truly remorseful, is also very tramatic however I will not attempt to compare it to what the betrayed spouse goes through.  We do have it much easier then them and even so it is life altering.

I am not waiting for Erin to “get over it”.  I do not intend the comments I make about doing the laundry, making lunches, cleaning or other things as trivial efforts to help her with her chores.  I spent years, even before I began my offending behaviour not truly understanding all the things my wife did. I took everything for granted. Now, she needs time to heal, to rest and to regain herself so I pour myself into the dozens of daily chores for several reasons. They give her time to heal, they show her I support her in needing that time and they allow me perspective on what I felt was trivial work. I can say after a year of making beds, doing laundry, making lunches, cleaning the house, vacuuming and more that those are rewarding tasks I’ve come to enjoy. I do them out of love in that she appreciates the extra time for her job and to relax when she can. I am not waiting for her, I am helping her in an indirect way.

As for the work I am doing, I likely could be more forthcoming but again I write this for me and as I do the work and discuss with Erin, I don’t often blog it. With that said, I have done a great deal of self evaluation, criticism, analysis and reflection. Not a day goes by that I don’t reflect on how wrong I have been and how much of everything I have wasted. Once you truly realize that you have been so completely wrong for so long it is pretty straight forward. I was “insert negative adjective” but am changing. I say I am changed but behaviour takes time to change and I will continue to be consistent on those changes.

I have accepted i am an addict in recovery. I read the books, I have worked some of the steps between my job and responsibilities. I am appreciating the little things and trying very hard to stay positive even when my wife overtly hates my guts.

I am not waiting….I am doing, hoping and praying.

I am also not defending myself. I do not wish to argue but inform so I hope this is taken with the humility, humble and genuine nature that it is intended. I truly can understand how all betrayed spouses can see the most well intentioned comments from someone like me as defending or belittling a betrayed spouses’ efforts but that is not me.

I read several blogs from betrayed spouses and i feel for them as i can understand through what i have seen in my wife. I find it nothing short of a miracle the strength, character, love, spirit, compassion, kindness, caring and patience my wife has shown while experiencing all this pain. I can assure you all she has endured far more than I have even begun to describe.

Lastly and I will leave you with this, as I reread the post which prompted this I also came to the conclusion of another not insignificant point of this blog. I do hope people who are on the verge of considering betraying their partner to be able to read first hand what the damage can be like. Perhaps it will give them pause to face their own shortcomings and think twice.

For your consideration….I now turn my thoughts back to my primary purpose of repairing my life, my wife and myself.

Flashbacks

Has it really been a year. It feels like yesterday. Flashbacks to year ago as I sit alone in my family room, my wife has gone out without word. She is processing what she discovered. I did not intentionally deceive her of this recent discovery but with all my lies and 1/2 truths how can she possibly tell the difference.

I sit here wondering how I could have done all those things.

I sit and wonder where she is. I have no right to ask, no right to comment.

Almost a year and it is still raw. I still feel the effects of her pain deeply in my soul. There is no woman on this earth who could take her place. She is the perfect woman in my eyes and I have crushed her.

It has been the best year of my live and the worst. I have found what life is meant to be lived for. I have also destroyed another person, shattered her life. We have grown together in so many ways but I fear tonight she is doubting all she knows in her heart and I have placed that doubt their.

I hope she comes home soon and safe.

Sexual addiction

A few months back Erin sent me a link to a lecture on sexual addiction. She had been looking at the question of why and stumbled across it. I watch it and the man was explaining the cycle of the addiction. It was like he was speaking directly too me. I decided to look into it more but was and am determined to only consider it as a factor and not an excuse.

I have now attended my 5th meeting of a 12 step sexual addicts program. It puts what I have done into greater perspective.

I sat in a room with 9 men who are all in various stages of struggle with various addictions. Some have multiple addictions. Some are 18 years “sober” from the addiction and some are still working on a week of sobriety from their specific sexual triggers or addiction. Some are living and struggling with addiction to porn, masturbation and many other forms of sexual acting out. They struggle from day to day.

In the meetings we learn about the criteria which helps define your addiction. We read about it and share how the readings might apply to ourselves. The meetings address the idea of a higher power and the reality that the addiction is not one which can be controlled but one what we must accept is beyond our control and we must turn to the support of the higher power and the group to help live with this addiction.

I am only scratching the surface but from what I have seen and read, this is absolutely a factor in my behaviour. I have put sex and the pursuit of sex ahead of so much in my life. I can remember as far back at 12 year old I let fantasy and masturbation stop me from leading a normal life.

I am not using this as an excuse. It is if anything a factor which I have ignored and downplayed as normal behaviour but it was not. There is nothing normal or everyday about what I have done. Normal is respecting the vows and honouring my wife and family.

I feel like I have started a path toward becoming someone I can respect. Someone I can be proud of. I know it will be a fight but I am fighting for a great cause and for my future.

Many people say sexual addiction is not real but they have not see it through my eye, lived it through my brain. It is no less real than alcoholism or drug addiction.

I see it’s place in what I have done and at least now that I have acknowledged it, I can learn from it to ensure I don’t repeat my mistakes.

I will keep going to the meetings and invest time into learning about this addiction. I need to learn how to combat the urges, to gain strength against the outside pressures which can trigger the misbehaving.

I do this for my family and my wife. I do this for my future. I do this fit me. To become a person I am proud of who they have become.

I do wonder when you have done so much wrong, can one ever truly forgive themselves and be proud. I hope so. I take things day by day now. No other was to live.