I haven’t written in a while.
I haven’t felt this alone in a while.
I come here to help stop the voices in my head. When she is silent too me, all I have left is the guy inside and he is not good to me. There are 2 of them really but it is usually the mean, self loathing angry inner voice that wins out. So I write to help get the thoughts out and feel some connection to the world. I don’t have any friends, certainly not anyone I can talk too. She is my only and best friend. I sit alone most days at my desk, isolated and alone. The best days are the days she comes to visit me or brings me lunch. I work from home and so does she. For years now, i look forward to her lovingly prepared lunches or funny themed afternoon snacks. They are not always at lunch time but they are reliable…..reliable unless she is distant. Then i often find her purposely absent from the house at lunch, a clear sign to fend for yourself. I don’t mind having to make myself food, it is the implied “starve for all i care” in the act which is painful. I just remind myself, my pain is nothing compared to hers so I own it.
Life is a funny thing….full of irony, full of the what if’s and should have done. I feel like I have made all the wrong choices in life. Investments, jobs, education and clearly my moral choices were wrong. It is hard at my age to see where the upside is. My mother has cancer, my father could have weeks to live. I could be fired any day with no real prospects for future employment. I have never connected with anyone but Erin….not really. I’m not even a very good father. I’m tired….
Erin has grown cold, silent and distant. I never am sure what triggers her but it is likely the impending reminders this time of year brings. It will be 3 years since first discovery and we’ve had great moments and oh so painful ones. One of the only things I can find pride in these days is my ability to not turn back to my addiction. It is not easy in that there is temptation everywhere in the world but I have this shield of love protecting me. It is Erin. I really don’t ever want to go back to it. I can see how addicts struggle. I don’t, certainly not with her by my side. I look at her and see a future given back to me. A life with opportunities. I see a chance for peace, comfort and love. We both know life will never be the same. We both know things will trigger her and she will have bad days but we also see the good in our lives. It’s funny, I started this post down..sad..lost. Just talking about her brightens my spirits but I know that will fade when she comes home and ignores me. I struggle the most when she is distant. Not struggle with my addiction…but just with life and living. I strive to find things for me to be positive about but it is not always easy.
I am no less sorry for what I have done that when I was first discovered. I may not say sorry all the time but it is the most genuinely implied silence that a person can offer. I take great pains in trying not to remind or trigger. I am not always successful. I will make a reference to a move I like only to have it hurled back at me with the obvious trigger reference in it. I don’t mean it but i cannot be ever vigilant so i just accept my gaff and do what I can to repair it. I wonder if she is tired of me.
So it is December and she is out somewhere….i don’t ask as she would only be baited into lashing out at me to remind me of my past and how it is none of my business where she goes. I don’t begrudge her those moments of hate. She needs to once in a while let them out or they fester like an unkempt wound. Ripe off the band aid and let it breathe once in a while.
I wonder where you are Erin. Wherever it is, i hope you feel loved by me and come back to me soon. I miss you.