Tag Archives: infidenlty

A few random thoughts as i wait.

I have returned tonight to visit my old friend, my blog.  I had been away from it which is often a sign that things are ok.  I usually don’t have time to blog when we are good because I am always near her or working hard to do something for her.  She notices everything and appreciates the efforts I make.  Those efforts make me feel like I am putting her heart back together one shard at a time.

So here I am tonight because I am alone.  I am alone because she did not want to be near me.  As she often did in the early days of discovery, she has gone out without letting me know where, when she will return or any other detail.  I don’t ask.  Asking would infuriate her as she is in full hate right now and any attempt from me would be harshly met.  Perhaps the eyes full of hate, perhaps the spiteful words of comparison to my past selfishness.  Neither of us need that so I just clean the house or do the laundry and wait.  I try to not analyse the current or recent Erin.  She has changed so much and so many times that trying to figure out if this is the final version of her is pointless.  She sometimes talks of wanting to be on her own.  She talks of death or more to the point, driving into oncoming traffic.  She talks of her hate and her pain.  One a dime she can switch to love and hope.  One of the most challenging things about this process is the uncertainty.  We could be in mid conversation with everything fine, then a hidden trigger will surface and I’ll make a seemingly harmless interjection only to be met with a fiery bitterness which takes me so aback that my heart will literally skip a beat and stopped for a split second. I am still capable to centering myself in those moments and realize that she is not talking to the ME of now but the ME I was.  As a volcano, with immense smoldering lava underneath, she must let off steam from time to time to avoid the catastrophic eruption which changes landscapes forever.  Yesterday was one of those times and now is when the lava is slowly flowing down the side and cooling.

I remarked to myself today, it had been almost a month since she has communicated love to me either in speech or text.  I saw her last text of love in early march.  I try to tell her daily or show her in little efforts.  I was remarking recently that I really never new love as I do now, never understood it.  Like a child who has learned his times tables finally getting quantum theory.  I just never was exposed to or understood love or life as I do now.  I wonder if anyone can without experiencing a life altering event.  I suspect they would say they do and I would challenge them in that I doubt until you cross that threshold, you can never truly understand.  I liken it to having a child.  Single people who don’t have kids, can never understand.  They will say they do but those who have kids know different.  Similarly, I remark that nobody who hasn’t broken a heart can truly understand the weight of that responsibility.  I am not looking for sympathy as even if I got it, I’d look upon it with disgust.  I write these things as a warning to those others how hold he heart of another too carelessly as I did.  Find a way to understand the awesome gift love from another is and cherish it as I do now.  It is a gift I have paid dearly for and will not squander again.

SO I sit and read blogs.  I wait to see if Erin will in fact come back to me tonight.  A million thoughts go through my mind and it is my hope and love for my family which keeps me going.

My thoughts and prayers for all those impacted by infidelity.  Both offender and innocent….I know you both are suffering.

Goodnight.

I love you Erin.

 

 

 

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Proof of life…..amongst the lies.

I have been neglecting this blog but my heart is heavy tonight so I thought i’d visit an old friend.

I’ll start by saying we were doing well.  There were challenges but overall I think we were doing well although the past is never very far from either of our minds.  We are approaching D day Plus 2 years.  Like I said….we were doing well.  Erin still has daily triggers or her mind wandered to the past but she was managing it and I was still doing a great deal to help.  I had been traveling some and work has been very stressful.  Not a few days ago she told me she will always love me.  Today there is silence……

It’s only taken 2 simple, careless and incorrect words to put us back 2 years. Thursday she got this message in her Facebook IM from an anonymous person.  2 words which might be my end.  “He’s cheating”.  They are referring to me of course or at least that is what she believes.  I was out all day taking my bosses to meet my most important client.  The morning had started off ok and she told me to “kick ass”.  Around lunch I started to get the impression something was up.  She had stopped responding.  That is always a sign of a negative, perhaps she was triggered or simply hates when I am out of the house.  Truth be told I hate leaving the house as it is a strain on her.  So when I got home around 10 I found her on the couch staring into space.  I sat down and she asked for my phone.  I handed it over as I always do now.  There is nothing to hide in it so I sit not worried.  Sometimes she just does that to feel better.  Then I was hit with it.  Who is “blank”.  I pause to be sure of the answer.  I tell her I don’t know that name.  I asked why and she tells me that this person sent her a message from the Facebook IM function under the unknown senders.  Her facebook page is blank.  There is only a name and the message sitting haunting us like a ghost. Erin was devastated.  She has had every memory from D Day come flooding back like a giant tsunami wiping us out.

For the record, I have been not only sexually faithful but emotionally faithful.  I have not even once typed the word “crai*&%list” and I won’t now.  I don’t text, talk or look at another woman in an inappropriate way.  I have not been in contact with anyone from my past nor do I want too.  I am the happiest I’ve ever been.  I am present for my family, I am appreciating the little things I took for granted.  I have shed the weight of the guilt and shame which fueled my cycle of addiction.  I am not a cheater anymore and there is the crux of my problem.  Why would anyone, including erin believe me given my past.  This is what I am struggling with tonight.  I feel in some way that I have earned this and will never truly free myself from the label and the past.  No matter how hard I try, how much I show her that I understand what I have done and how sorry I am, it only takes the tiny seed or doubt to wipe it all away.

So now this one careless act could jeopardize everything I’ve worked so hard to fix. I don’t know what has prompted this message but I do know, in this case, it cannot be true.  I am “not cheating” but how do you prove something that isn’t.  How do I confront someone who anonymously comments like that.  It’s turned the world upside down again.  She feel empty again as she did in the early days,  It isn’t that I have or haven’t cheated, it is that I did once and this is another reminder putting doubts in her mind.  This brings back the memories of discovery after discover of my behaviour.  To her, it must be more believable that I am cheating than I have been faithful.  That’s the part that hurts the most.  I think she was starting to believe that my love was real and I had changed.  What is she to believe now?

I have some theory’s on who and why they did this.  I plan on tracking down the person as she has left some breadcrumbs to follow.  I have no fear confronting her.  I will let the weekend pass and then I will present to Erin we both confront the person.  There was a time I would have just hidden but not now.  Now I have my the truth behind me.  The truth I have worked very hard to earn.  I am faithful.  I am not a cheater anymore.

For now, I sit in silence waiting for my chance to prove I am not guilty.  I just fear it will be easier for her to not let me and just give up.  After all, how much can one person take.

Weight and Magnitude

Day 2 – Wed Dec 11

Last night I didn’t sleep much. I started to feel the weight and magnitude of how much I have hurt her and damaged our family.  How could I have been so stupid.  I am certainly damaged and if she is lucky she will leave me.  I don’t deserve her but I have made a promise to myself and I will follow it through.  It might take a lifetime to make it up to her, if she lets me.  I start today by being patient.  I know this has crushed her and it will take time…so much time to fix.  If that is even possible but I hope it is.  I have learned the meaning of that word….hope.  I fully understand what people mean when then say it and mean it.  I HOPE that I can fix it.  That is all I can focus on.

Today you I was given hope.   A hug.  I didn’t ask for it and it felt great.  I thought it would be weeks before I got one.  Before that, I witnessed the strongest woman in the world save her family.  Instinctively she knew what to do.  The man who contacted her to tell her everything was over doing it. He phoned her a few times, even after she asked that he have no more contact. It felt creepy to her, almost like she was talking to a stalker. She spoke calmly to him and said things that he needed to hear to stop the calls.   She was amazing as I sat there shivering, weak from fear and anticipation.  I am on egg shells and that hug gave me the first sign that there might be a chance to fix it.  Don’t fuck it up you selfish prick.

Hell of a day yesterday.  I lost focus already.  I put someone else in front of my wife.  I meant well thinking that some explanation to the other woman might get her to understand I have made my choice and want to be left alone to try and fix what I have done.  I stood on the phone, infront of my wife and told the other woman that it was over, my wife was right infront of me and that she knows everything. I told her I would never talk to her again and hung up. But, hours later the texts began. My wife read them with me. I was shaking. I texted goodbye then blocked the number. I felt that to be communicating with her will only serve to worsen my wife’s pain.  More than that, it serves to put doubts in her head who I are thinking about.  There is no doubt.  My every thought, my every move is a desire to send a message that I can change, I want to change.   But how do I make her understand.  I cannot. I fear I am smothering her, I fear I am not attentive enough.  I am driving myself crazy and it is likely not even half the anguish I have caused her.

Remember this feeling.  Tight chest, tense all over, heart racing, flush all over.  My stomach is in knots.  My back hurts and my neck is sore.  Tension and fear is causing this.  This is what I feel at night, when it is quiet and it is just the two of us.  No kids, just me and her and this gigantic empty space which has filled in between us.  Put there by me.  You selfish prick.  Work at it, be patient and understand.  I feel this when she looks at me with that anguish in her eyes.  Will it ever go away?   Will she be able to forgive me or will every sight of me, every word out of my mouth be a dagger to her?  Only time….so much time….wasted time….only time will tell.  My one hope is this will end in me being stronger.  That through this pain I will become someone she will love again.  That is the prize, her love.  I need nothing else from life, not money, not things, not anything.  To win her heart back is the only prize worth having.  Why did it have to come to this for me to understand it?  This is bitter sweet especially when I understand how I got here.  To realize now, what I have and how deeply I want to keep it.

INSTEAD OF AVOIDING THE ACTIVITY, CHANGE IT SO IT FITS YOU.

I use to avoid things, walking the dog because I was lazy, ice skating because my skates hurt.  But now what I wouldn’t give for just one more change to walk with her, to skate with my kids.  To go back and make different choices.  To honor my wife.