Slept beside my son. He Snored all night. I woke at 7:00, truth be told I woke a few times but got up at 7:00. My job to make sure she is up. Get the kids ready and off to school. I am a zombie at this point. I am shaking, nervous. She is on edge. I was making breakfast as she came downstairs, hardly acknowledging me. Is this the day she tells me to leave? I fry an egg for my daughter. Too much butter….damn I am losing it. My wife doesn’t look at me, leaves the room. In a faint, pained voice, I hear her call me. She is exhausted and need an advil. Needs something to eat. We are both running on fumes. Bread and butter like a prisioner on death row waiting for a pardon. Will it come?
She suggested I walk the kids and dog to school. I am anxious but did walk them, but wanted to get home quick. Not sure why just anxious.
We talk each day, today was in the family room. It started with a question, did I do this, did I do that…the answers helps and hurts. I offer ½ a coke when she was on the phone but she refuses with a look of disgust. Made myself day old pasta and sauce, forced myself to eat 3 spoonfuls before giving up. I attemped to do some work but can’t focused. My colleagues are unknowingly saving my ass right now. I wonder if anyone is noticing?
Lunchtime. She is lying down for a much needed nap. It was approaching the time for me to leave for the STD test. I am still on edge, the first time out of the house without her. I go back and forth on what to do. I’m sure she can hear me getting ready to leave, do I go to say goodbye? I stand in the doorway for several minutes thinking. I want to move the truck but are unsure if I should even get in it. I leave and as I am unlocking the car door she bursts out the door. I can tell she is sad and is running to me. More hope. I run to her and we embrace for a million seconds. It felt good. Inch by inch she comes closer. This was more than a few inches at a time. It felt great! She goes back to the porch and I move the truck. As I’m getting into the van she asks what I was doing in the truck, I tell her I wanted to get it far away so she doesn’t have to look at it. (The truck is a trigger–she knows that I had sex in the backseat of it…it will be sold ASAP)
I felt strange being away from her. I am driving to the clinic feeling very sad and anxious. I suspect she is worried, first time apart, she texts me to make sure that I let her know when I arrive. I do immediately upon arrival.
In the clinic, it is me, a big empty room and two middle age women behind bullet proof glass. Looked like a government office for sure. I am alone, mid day. Filling out a basic sheet, I feel out of place. A young girl comes in but I don’t really take note. She is late for her 2:00 and now they cannot do all her testing today. She takes what she can get. I am called in and led to a councelling room. Question after question. I can’t just get tested, they have to figure out what kind of person needs STD tests. How bad you are determines how much testing. The nurse was kind and understanding. Not judgemental at all and she can sense this was important. We went to the treatment room. Pee in a cup and 2 vials of blood. Then an offer of a 5 min HIV test. I had said, it would certainly help and she broke the rules and gave me one. Negative. A weight lifted.
Texted home that I am done and asked if I could drop by a dealership to inquire about selling the truck. “Please do” she answers…so I hit as many as I can, careful not to take too long. Each telling them the same lie. Had a car to trade, need to make it quick, something tragic happened in the car and it needs to never come home. Simple, short and to the point. No plans just kicking the tires as they say. Don’t want to risk too much time. Shitty traffic and I am home. Kids waiting.
It was 4:30 and my dad was to drop off winter tires soon. I could have easily picked them up when I was out but didn’t want to stop by the office. Grocery delivery had just arrived. What to make for dinner. Would she eat? Pizza was the plan. Pizza Nova and she went to get it. We each had a slice. Good to see her eat.
Later she invited me upstairs to go over the Christmas presents in our bedroom so the children don’t see. I want to help in every way I can. It went well for a bit, but then she stared past me and then she looked at me with the pain of 1000 knives plunging into her heart. She drops and is on the ground shaking. She is having a panic attack. She is crying, shaking, asking god why you have done this. She see the wedding picture on the wall and pulls herself off the floor and goes over, grabs it off the wall and smashes it on the carpet. She likened the shattered glass laying on the floor as her shattered heart. She immediately looked at me with this pain in her eyes of having smashed our memory. She said she was so sorry and collapsed to the floor crying, sobbing hard. I came to her side and told her she had nothing to be sorry about. She looked at me in utter pain. Pain you caused.
She continued to ask questions. A question came into her mind. How many nights had I slept away from her and in another’s bed. I came upon a number and that was the number I would remain out of the bed with her, at a minimum.
A long talk….a good talk. Then the unexpected, she told my a silly secret she had always kept from me….from everybody.
I looked at her in amazement and then started laughing. We both laughed more than we have laughed in years. It was a healing laugh. It was good for both of us.
I felt good as I went to sleep.