Tag Archives: forgiveness

No matter how you change…you still have to pay for what you’ve done.

It has been 4 days now since Erin triggered and shut down.  When she triggers, I trigger.  Make no mistake, i am not comparing the two triggers.  They are not comparable however the reality for me is still here.  Everything is like a amplifier to life.  One thing this recent trigger has done is remind me how I need to stay connected to her.  How many missed moments to kiss her, to hold her hand, to cuddle with her……how much I want to stay connected to her.  It also has reminded me how fragile and fleeting life can be.  I sit typing this and all I want to do is run downstairs and hold her, feel her warmth and feel safe.  She is my safe place. But I cannot….

I have been told to stay away, stay out of her way.  There is only distance right now and I feel it.  I want to run and run and run to close that gap, to close the distance.  For me, the only way to close the distance is too wait, to be patient and hope she comes back.

This distance has been bitter sweet.  It has given me time to re-read my blog and learn from it.  It has reminded me to not waste the time we have.  Lately with everything on my plate, I have neglected the opportunities to just sit with her, to hold her hand and to connect.  Why does it take events like this to remind you to stop and smell the roses?  I will never know…..

I recently watched a movie and the line above was at the end.  I stared to cry….

“No matter how much you change, you still have to pay for what you’ve done.”

Why does that line create so much fear in me?  It is because times like this remind me I can still lose everything.  I can still lose her.  I fear losing her because after all we have been through it has taught me, I was exactly where I was meant to be and just did not realize it.  That seems to be right when life will take it from you.

I miss you and love you Erin.  I’d love to just hold you again one day and until then I will be standing here waiting for you.

 

 

 

Advertisements

I cannot escape my past.

My wife removed her rings tonight.

Triggered by evidence of how sick I was. We approach D Day in 9 days and I was so hoping for us to remain strong approaching it. Again through the giant pinball game of life she stumbled upon something from my past. Something which brings it all rushing back as to what kind of sick perverted lost man she married.

I had hoped that my last year of work might earn us some peace, that karma might stop slapping me but it is not to be.

I have not gone back to my old ways. I have not wanted to do anything to risk the life i now have or the love erin and I share but in nights like this I wonder have I done too much for karma to let me go. Moments of despair lead to the reinforcing of the fact that I brought this upon myself. I reap what I sow and my loved ones suffer for it.

I am trying so hard. I have planted new seed. Seed of knowledge, acceptance, faith and repentance. I have seen what life can be like. The seed is growing new roots but they take time.

It is hard too see her suffer but no harder than the suffering itself she must endure. I see her doubt the choice to stay with me. I see her break apart inside powerless to shield her from it. My past is there and shows its’ ugly head when I least expect it.

I am to blame but she keeps suffering for what I have done.

Tonight we sit in the shit, neck deep and sinking. I hope tomorrow is better.

Life speaks to me.

I have returned home from the second of two business trips this month. This one was longer than the last. I’ve taken on so many roles at home that it puts a great deal of strain on Erin when I travel. On the plane home I was watching a movie and there was a moment in the movie where it all came flooding back. I often have those moments where life speaks to me through a picture, a song or a scene in a film. As I sit and write this I cannot actually remember what it was but I know it moved me at the time. It seems I am now capable of listening to what life is willing to tell me. I wonder now if it was talking to me before and I was too self involved to hear or am i so profoundly changed that I am now willing to listen. I don ‘t really know the answer but I am humbled by the messages.

Life is still a day by day challenge. I strive to focus on my family and keep trying to do my best for Erin. When I feel lacking somehow life finds a way to help me up. When I am up life also finds a way to remind me of my journey and brings me back down to where I belong.

I know what I am fighting for so I keep working, hoping and praying for my Erin.

What I have taken from her…

Today was a bad day. It came from what should be something good, something to look forward too. We had been offered some child minding from a friend so we could get away. It was initially only for the weekend to go to our cottage for some us time. I mistakenly thought it might be good if we stretched it into 4 days and I’d take her somewhere warm using our many airmiles. So we started looking last night. Just some rough plans at first. A cold came over her before her bed but nothing was said. It was brewing under her skin. This morning was distance. Only required talk together the kids out the door. I work from home now in a corner of our bedroom. I quite enjoy it. So I was working away when she threw open the door with a hysterical panicked look on her face. She said that we cannot got away. She cannot take the pressure of being away, alone somewhere she might feel trapped. She fears getting on a plane with me, going away with me. She fears being trapped somewhere with me, feeling the pressure of spending money on a trip which she cannot enjoy.

He eyes were wide, I’ve seen the look before and it pains me. She is collapsing inside her mind, mad with the images in her head. It is a combination of a panic attack and psychotic episode. She goes from anger, smashing the door closed, screaming painful things too collapsing on the floor paralyzed, unable to move. All the while I am powerless to help her as I am the cause of her pain.

She finished with a painful reminder of all the things I have taken from her. I have destroyed past memories of times spent together as they get assigned to triggering dates and what or where I was then. The list was endless. I have stolen the future also with things which we now cannot do like go on a plane or trip. Things I did with someone else during my affairs and regret with more force than all the oceans on the globe. I have taken do much from my wife and today she is feeling it all. The list of the things I have stolen from her is massive and I can never return those things. I can only try to help her heal. Perhaps in time she will find the strength to take them back herself.

Not a day goes by which I don ‘t regret my behaviour. Nobody could have explained how cheating can affect some who truly does love their spouse. I thought I knew it all but really had no clue what was really important in life. Not a clue….

But I do now and am fighting for it with all my heart and soul.

To hell and back – Hope Lives

I am writing this for those who had given us support, kindness and understanding. I decided to stop writing publically and have continued doing so privately. There is no one specific reason, however negative comments from angry betrayed spouses were an influence. They are entitled to their pain for their own relationships. I hope they all find peace on day.

I recently saw some activity on the blog which lead me to a post from someone who speculated I had committed suicide. I felt compelled to dispel that notion. I will admit throughout this ordeal it has crossed both our minds more times that we will admit but I look at my children’s faces and could never put them thru that. The truth is, suicide never helps anyone. It leaves the injured feeling worse and the innocent shattered. It takes away any chance at closure. It is not fair to anyone including yourself.

As for me….I am still working as hard as I can to help my wife heal. We have great days and bad days. Since D day, she has discovered so much about what I have done and she still loves me. I am guilty of giving Erin ‘trickle truths’ and that has been only to protect us. I now realize that it was a mistake. So many mistakes. She can’t experience trauma over and over. I had kept so many things from her but someone contacted her and told her things that I had kept from her. I was terrified but knew enough was enough. I came clean about details that I thought would be bad enough to make her end our marriage. I was wrong, she didn’t. She is remarkable. She struggles with the knowledge and it sometimes overwhelms her. She is strong and brave. She works through the bad times and embraces the good ones. I wrote recently to myself that I like to believe she means it more when she says she loves me than when she says she hates me. We have gone through hell and back these past several months. So many things have happened, so many inspiring things. So many “ah ha” moments. So many smiles with her bright beautiful eyes and so many tears. We constantly see the universe helping us uncover the truth. The truth that we are soul mates, best friends and meant to be together. If I had only seen what I see now I’d have saved her unimaginable pain. We both wonder if we could have arrived at this place without the pain. No point spending too much time wondering as we are here now.

A quick piece of advice knowing full well how I chose to handle this can and will be different for everyone. If you truly love your spouse, never give up.

– Understand the damage you have done and the reality that it may not ever be fully healed.
– Be patient as there is no timeline for forgiveness.
– Be mindful of all the needs she has, from knowing where you are at all times to sometimes needing to just be held.
– Be humble and understanding of their pain and anger. You caused it and you alone may be able to ease it.

I have rediscovered life, love and a new outlook. I see life completely differently now. I used to only see the negatives, the problems, the worries and the faults in everyone around me. I hated my life and sought out solutions which only further isolated me and made me depressed. I was an ass. My wife loves the new me and so do I. I enjoy every day as it comes. Some days are rough but most are a gift and I cherish them all. I take the time to enjoy every hug my wife gives me, every kiss, every smile. I actually STOP and look at her. I look at my kids now and they are amazing little people. I am so proud of them all.

My failing also has roots in a dysfunction in my personality from long ago. I am now seeking help for this defect. Recognizing it, is the first step and knowing it is part of me will help us both keep an eye on it. We are a team now. She is the captain, the leader and my rock. We have a long journey together and we are taking it day by day.

Hope came to me in the first days. It’s message was everywhere as we struggled to survive. Hope lives in both of us today and that is a good thing. May you find the strength to believe in hope.

Fighting anxiety with help from my wife.

Yesterday I had a rough day. I had a great deal of anxiety at work and I broke down a few times. When I got home she comforted me as I cried. WE had plans to go for Sushi with her dad, brother and her. The thoughts of what I have done have been overwhelming me, that and the impending bankruptcy of the family business and the potential loss of every my father has worked for these past 30 years. Just everything coming back on me at once. She asked if I was going to be ok for dinner she asked I try and participate in the conversation. I said I would. I thought I was doing ok but I wasn’t. I was so focused on just holding her hand and being close to her I hardly spoke. She was not happy with me after dinner which likely made my anxiety worse. She napped after dinner from 9:30 until 11:30. I sat beside her reading blogs and writing. I was sad and anxious. I woke her and she went straight to bed. I look for signs of impending doom everywhere. Nothing on the horizon so I felt ok heading to bed.

During the night I had a dream I was at a Sushi restaurant and I was with my family and then all of a sudden I was alone. I fought hard but I could not get back to them or even find them. I woke about 4:30 in a cold sweat. She has told me if I needed her to wake her and she will comfort me. I didn’t. I fear she will wake distant and send my anxiety spiraling down. I lay there for 2 hours until I heard her stir and see her check her phone. I asked if she was awake and I told her I was not doing well. She asked if we went and brushed our teeth and made out for a bit would it help. I said yes and it did somewhat but I was very low and hyper anxious. She got up and went downstairs around 7:00.  Around 7:15 she came up from downstairs and looked at me. I was not doing well. I was full of dread again.  She spoke to me in such a reassuring, stern, assertive voice. The following is what she asked me and I answered in short direct answers.

Are you here? YES
Am I here? YES
Are we together? YES
Am I fighting for us? YES
Do I love you? YES
Do you love me? YES
Did I kick you out? NO
Are we getting a divorce? NO
Are we separating? NO
Have I left you? NO
Do you want to be with me? YES
Do I want to be with you? YES
Have I ever said I am leaving you? NO
Have I ever said I want you to leave? NO
Are we a team? YES
Have you stopped your hurtful behaviour? YES
Are you only with me now? YES
Are we worth fighting for? YES
Are we best friends? YES
Would you do anything for my recovery? My Happiness? YES

I want you to smile! You have so much to be happy for.
I am here.
I am with you.
We are together.

See this all as a full glass not an empty hopeless glass.
Drink up the goodness.

She held me and I felt better. I got up got dressed and had a good day. I was not consumed by the images, the guilt and sadness.

My wife is an amazing woman.

The balance between love and hate

It is Saturday night. I am in a romantic weekend get away with my wife. She is on the floor of the bathroom in the dark shaking and agonizing trapped in her hell. All I can do is wait. My touch gives her violent spasms of disgust. Her imagination has taken over for now. A mere 24 hours before we were making the most amazing love. It has been a few great days in a row but it was not to last so soon. It will take work. Work I am prepared to do. Work harder than any I have imagined. Perhaps a lifetime of patience but I love her that much as to spend my life trying. To spend a lifetime showing how sorry I am.

She tells me how she is fighting for us. Fighting the negative. She tells me she never has known love as we have experienced. She tell me she loves me and in an instant it can turn. He face starts to show pain. He eyes…they no longer hide the hate. She tells me what torture she endures. How the images come and go at their own pleasure.

Tonight we watched city of angles and near the end there is a love scene. I should have known but we had been doing so well I forget that sometimes she is just hiding it. The images on the screen overpowered her. They forced her into a dark place where the anger hides. When it comes out it has claws, fangs and it looks to strike as deep and hard as they can. Her words sink deep and then after a while the anger lessens and she let’s go. Then a joke and the anger in her face is replaced by a calm peace. Then a smile as she makes a joke. Then a shower….I am waiting in bed to see what happens next. The painful reality is I must anticipate anything.

Patience – love – faith – strength.

Dec 13 – Various Entries

Slept beside my son. He Snored all night. I woke at 7:00, truth be told I woke a few times but got up at 7:00. My job to make sure she is up. Get the kids ready and off to school. I am a zombie at this point. I am shaking, nervous. She is on edge. I was making breakfast as she came downstairs, hardly acknowledging me. Is this the day she tells me to leave? I fry an egg for my daughter. Too much butter….damn I am losing it. My wife doesn’t look at me, leaves the room. In a faint, pained voice, I hear her call me. She is exhausted and need an advil. Needs something to eat. We are both running on fumes. Bread and butter like a prisioner on death row waiting for a pardon. Will it come?

She suggested I walk the kids and dog to school. I am anxious but did walk them, but wanted to get home quick. Not sure why just anxious.

We talk each day, today was in the family room. It started with a question, did I do this, did I do that…the answers helps and hurts. I offer ½ a coke when she was on the phone but she refuses with a look of disgust. Made myself day old pasta and sauce, forced myself to eat 3 spoonfuls before giving up. I attemped to do some work but can’t focused. My colleagues are unknowingly saving my ass right now. I wonder if anyone is noticing?

Lunchtime. She is lying down for a much needed nap. It was approaching the time for me to leave for the STD test. I am still on edge, the first time out of the house without her. I go back and forth on what to do. I’m sure she can hear me getting ready to leave, do I go to say goodbye? I stand in the doorway for several minutes thinking. I want to move the truck but are unsure if I should even get in it. I leave and as I am unlocking the car door she bursts out the door. I can tell she is sad and is running to me. More hope. I run to her and we embrace for a million seconds. It felt good. Inch by inch she comes closer. This was more than a few inches at a time. It felt great! She goes back to the porch and I move the truck. As I’m getting into the van she asks what I was doing in the truck, I tell her I wanted to get it far away so she doesn’t have to look at it. (The truck is a trigger–she knows that I had sex in the backseat of it…it will be sold ASAP)

I felt strange being away from her.  I am driving to the clinic feeling very sad and anxious. I suspect she is worried, first time apart, she texts me to make sure that I let her know when I arrive. I do immediately upon arrival.

In the clinic, it is me, a big empty room and two middle age women behind bullet proof glass. Looked like a government office for sure. I am alone, mid day. Filling out a basic sheet, I feel out of place. A young girl comes in but I don’t really take note. She is late for her 2:00 and now they cannot do all her testing today. She takes what she can get. I am called in and led to a councelling room. Question after question. I can’t just get tested, they have to figure out what kind of person needs STD tests. How bad you are determines how much testing. The nurse was kind and understanding. Not judgemental at all and she can sense this was important. We went to the treatment room. Pee in a cup and 2 vials of blood. Then an offer of a 5 min HIV test. I had said, it would certainly help and she broke the rules and gave me one. Negative. A weight lifted.

Texted home that I am done and asked if I could drop by a dealership to inquire about selling the truck. “Please do” she answers…so I hit as many as I can, careful not to take too long. Each telling them the same lie. Had a car to trade, need to make it quick, something tragic happened in the car and it needs to never come home. Simple, short and to the point. No plans just kicking the tires as they say. Don’t want to risk too much time. Shitty traffic and I am home. Kids waiting.
It was 4:30 and my dad was to drop off winter tires soon. I could have easily picked them up when I was out but didn’t want to stop by the office. Grocery delivery had just arrived. What to make for dinner. Would she eat? Pizza was the plan. Pizza Nova and she went to get it. We each had a slice. Good to see her eat.

Later she  invited me upstairs to go over the Christmas presents in our bedroom so the children don’t see. I want to help in every way I can. It went well for a bit, but then she stared past me and then she looked at me with the pain of 1000 knives plunging into her heart. She drops and  is on the ground shaking. She is having a panic attack. She is crying, shaking, asking god why you have done this. She see the wedding picture on the wall and pulls herself off the floor and goes over, grabs it off the wall and smashes it on the carpet. She likened the shattered glass laying on the floor as her shattered heart. She immediately looked at me with this pain in her eyes of having smashed our memory. She said she was so sorry and collapsed to the floor crying, sobbing hard. I came to her side and told her she had nothing to be sorry about. She looked at me in utter pain. Pain you caused.

She continued to ask questions. A question came into her mind. How many nights had I slept away from her and in another’s bed. I came upon a number and that was the number I would remain out of the bed with her, at a minimum.

A long talk….a good talk. Then the unexpected, she told my a silly secret she had always kept from me….from everybody.

I looked at her in amazement and then started laughing. We both laughed more than we have laughed in years. It was a healing laugh. It was good for both of us.

I felt good as I went to sleep.

Dec 13th -7:45 am

Can I help?  Can I fix this pain? Despair in creeping in…closer.  Hope is strong but is it powerful enough?
I am in hell.  But a different hell than her.  If only I could be in her hell, with her.  Then I would be happy.
I drift back and forth between children’s rooms.  Trying to soak up every last moment with them. I feel time.  I count seconds now.
Stay positive.  Have hope.  Have faith.
I see hope in the smallest things.