I have returned tonight to visit my old friend, my blog. I had been away from it which is often a sign that things are ok. I usually don’t have time to blog when we are good because I am always near her or working hard to do something for her. She notices everything and appreciates the efforts I make. Those efforts make me feel like I am putting her heart back together one shard at a time.
So here I am tonight because I am alone. I am alone because she did not want to be near me. As she often did in the early days of discovery, she has gone out without letting me know where, when she will return or any other detail. I don’t ask. Asking would infuriate her as she is in full hate right now and any attempt from me would be harshly met. Perhaps the eyes full of hate, perhaps the spiteful words of comparison to my past selfishness. Neither of us need that so I just clean the house or do the laundry and wait. I try to not analyse the current or recent Erin. She has changed so much and so many times that trying to figure out if this is the final version of her is pointless. She sometimes talks of wanting to be on her own. She talks of death or more to the point, driving into oncoming traffic. She talks of her hate and her pain. One a dime she can switch to love and hope. One of the most challenging things about this process is the uncertainty. We could be in mid conversation with everything fine, then a hidden trigger will surface and I’ll make a seemingly harmless interjection only to be met with a fiery bitterness which takes me so aback that my heart will literally skip a beat and stopped for a split second. I am still capable to centering myself in those moments and realize that she is not talking to the ME of now but the ME I was. As a volcano, with immense smoldering lava underneath, she must let off steam from time to time to avoid the catastrophic eruption which changes landscapes forever. Yesterday was one of those times and now is when the lava is slowly flowing down the side and cooling.
I remarked to myself today, it had been almost a month since she has communicated love to me either in speech or text. I saw her last text of love in early march. I try to tell her daily or show her in little efforts. I was remarking recently that I really never new love as I do now, never understood it. Like a child who has learned his times tables finally getting quantum theory. I just never was exposed to or understood love or life as I do now. I wonder if anyone can without experiencing a life altering event. I suspect they would say they do and I would challenge them in that I doubt until you cross that threshold, you can never truly understand. I liken it to having a child. Single people who don’t have kids, can never understand. They will say they do but those who have kids know different. Similarly, I remark that nobody who hasn’t broken a heart can truly understand the weight of that responsibility. I am not looking for sympathy as even if I got it, I’d look upon it with disgust. I write these things as a warning to those others how hold he heart of another too carelessly as I did. Find a way to understand the awesome gift love from another is and cherish it as I do now. It is a gift I have paid dearly for and will not squander again.
SO I sit and read blogs. I wait to see if Erin will in fact come back to me tonight. A million thoughts go through my mind and it is my hope and love for my family which keeps me going.
My thoughts and prayers for all those impacted by infidelity. Both offender and innocent….I know you both are suffering.
I love you Erin.