Missing here from the next room

Lately she struggle with hate and anger.  She cannot look at me. She tollerates my presence in the house, only communicating with me when she must.  She continues to ge tortured by the past.  

We have good days and bad.  We have found a comfortable level to exist at.  Some days she thanks me for everything i do and somes she make it clear hiw much she hates my assistance.

Had i know i coukd have this aggect on another person, on someone i love.  I would have made better choices.  I am haunted with how i have changed her life.  I look forward to the good days and fear the bad ones.

I love with a strength to endure the hate, waiting for the moments it fades letting her love shine.

Right now i wait.  For Erin to come back.  

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On the road again

i would say erin and i are doing ok.  I had not travelledas much since my trip to europe.  We have more good days than bad. When she is happy, she expresses how much she loves howwe are now.   It always comes with a bitter side as she is reminded how we got here.  

I am on the road today, having left home monday.  It Is always difficult on her when i leave for the obviousreasons.  I don’t know how to reassure her that i realize my mistakes and won’t turn down that path again.  I  am not frustratedby this because i understand her fear and suspicion.  I accept my fate as caused by my actions and mine alone.  I wish it more for her peace of mind, not mine.  She deserves the best life i can give her and wish the triggers and reminders would lessen.   

I triggered her this morning and haven’t heard from her since. She is often silent until she has processed her anger.  I want now, regularly reaching out thru text, reassuring her of my love.  Some bitter people would say too little, too late. For my part, it is not a little effort.  She is my purpose, my every thought and my heart.  Never again will my effort towards my wife be anything but complete.  As for too late, there is no such thing if there is love in her for me.  I believe in us and that is because of her.  

Her love is the source of my will, my patience and determination. Our love is a precious gift which i will not squander again.

 

Anger, hate, scorn, distrust and lunch…..

She brought me lunch today.  She said she hates me but doesn’t want to see me starve.  It is the little things i live for now.

This weekend she left the bed and slept in our daughters room.  She said i make her skin crawl.  She has such immense mood swings now.  She can love me or hate me in an instant.  For a while now it has been hate.  

We did well for a week while i was away.  I had to go to Europe on business and i was so conscious about keeping in touch.  This trip was huge as i was alone.  Trust is non existant so it was challenging, i did everything i could to stay connected.  I think that trip used up all the positive energy because pretty much since she has been distant and anger.  I try and stay positive.  I look at lunch as her way of saying she loves me through the hate.  

I live for those moments.

Empty hearts

I feel shame today, I feel sadness, I feel loss, I feel guilt, I feel sorrow, I feel empty.

Take no pity on me as I deserve none.

I destroyed my wife….shattered her heart…..destroyed her reality.

I never understood the power of love and its’ power to do harm.  She loved me so completely and I had no fathom of that concept.  I did not deserve it.  If I understood love in the way I do now, I’d never have contemplated the things I did. 

I feel like i am a murder, i feel like i killed someone. In a way i did, i killed the carefree spirt in her. I killed her image that i would always be truthful, keep her safe and protected from harm. I killed all that.

Many time now when she is sad she will tell me how i was to be the one who was to keep her safe, to protect her. All the things i strive to do now i failed to do then.

I wish i could take it all back.

I don’t write much these days. I really should but it is hard to find the time.

“My heart is empty” she said to me recently. Erin is struggling more these days. She is tortured by all the things i have done. I wish i could do more to help but it seems nothing i do improves things for long. The triggers out way the changes. I try and stay strong. I stay close and experience the highs and lows. I struggle with just how completely i have affected our lives.

Every time i start to feel sorry for myself i think about erin and remember she has it worse. I think if she can endure and fight for us i have no right to give any less of myself. I watch every tear, i listen to every word of hate and anger. I accept all my punishments. I fight for us too in my own ways.

There are good days and bad. Just the other day she smiled at me and thanked me for all i do. She said i was amazing. She appreciates how i never once lost my patience, got defensive or argued with her. How i do everything i can around the house. How mindful i am of every word i use, every song that plays, everything…..

Her kindness fills my bucket.

She makes me lunch most days, even when she is not talking to me. Such little things mean so much to me now. A bit of soup, with crackers and a few slices of bread buttered can make my day. It is because she felt love at that moment and made me lunch.

However, It still does not stop the demons that haunt her, it cannot stop the triggers, the anger she feels or the emptiness. I only hope time helps heal those.

I worry about the future as does she.

I will never stop loving her….

Talking

I love talking with my wife. We had spent too many years just covering the basics. I rarely, if ever, shared my fears, my insecurities, my doubts or my dreams. I had lost the connection and the spark in life.

Talking to her now is amazing. We share everything. It can be hard as she often shares the immediate thoughts. They can be anger, sadness , hatred, agony, desire, hope and often love. I appreciate when she has the strength to tell me of her pain. I have never run from those moments. I have always said, i caused it and i must fave it. It is very difficult to sit and listed to it all but i do it knowing she is living those emotions weekly, daily and even hourly. I owe it to her to experience as much as she will share. Today alone we woke happy in a loving embrace. She hated me between 2 to 4 and tonight can smile at me again. I recognize and embrace how much i have affected our lives and work hard to easy that burden. She see my efforts and appreciates them even when we are not directly speaking.

Communication is so very important. When she is not talking to me i still try and communicate to her. I do this through actions. I look for every chance i can to express my understanding of her needs. She often tells me she notices everything which empowers me to go further.

We vow never to stop talking again.

Recognizing what i could have lost

Every day I think about what I could have lost. Every day i am thankful for the life i now have. I consciously stop what i am doing and appreciate where i am in that moment. I appreciate being able to look at my wife, knowing she loves me, knowing we are healing together and not apart. So much has fallen apart in my life but not my life. Our family business has gone under, my brother marriage is falling apart over the money which has been lost, my patents life savings was in the company and at 80+ years hard changes are coming. I am facing insecurity about my own abilities and choices and right now i am managing all this with the support of my wife and love of my family. I could be alone alienated by everyone, in a lonely apartment or condo only seeing my children every other weekend. I could be lost to addiction and never recover. I could be dead leaving my loved ones to suffer and question everything. By the immeasurable strength of my wife and her love for me which i could not begin to describe in depth, i am here, with her.

But i am here. I wake beside the most amazing woman i could ever imagine. We have a long way to go. She is still tortured daily, i watch her fall and see her pick herself up and keep going. She gives me strength to do the same.

She is my angel.

Reflections

I haven’t written for a while…,not here anyway. I write inside my head but haven’t had time to put it here. When i do start writing, i feel like i want to write for hours but usually have 10 min.

I want to work backwards from today to D day, Dec 10th. That is my current goal for this post. I wonder how far I’ll get.

Tonight I sit in my hotel room alone wishing i was home. Erin is distant tonight. She has been triggered today with me being away. My days are packed with multiple meetings for hours. I try and stay connected but it is hard with the time change.

We have been on a roll lately. She had turned a corner not long ago. We have booked a trip for her birthday coming up next month. She often struggles when i travel and i completely understand. I have worked from home for the past year and it has been amazing for our recovery. I feel blessed for the opportunity. I have so much more quality of life. Seeing my kids off to school every day, being able to come downstairs and see my wife anytime i want or she needs. Simply having lunch with her.

It is Jan 22nd and i think back over the month. It’s been a series of ups and downs. It’s had some great moments and some hard nights. I continue to work as hard as i can though routines and efforts have changed. Even writing with as much frequency has been challenging.

In early 2015 she struggled and fought with herself about leaving. She shares a great deal about how she struggles. I can imaging there is more inside which she doesn’t share. The brain has a million thoughts and you only have time to vocalize some. In one conversation about her process for thinking about leaving she told me that in her mind she’d need to want to leave for 3 weeks. She’d want to be sure and in her mind that was a good number. Who knows if upon that 3rd week if she would change her mind. She has not come close. We talk about so much now. I tell her my fears and my insecurities. I feel i truly have a partner in life. She is so good to me.

We often talk about life, about everything. I think she like catching me off guard when she will make a joke about something relating to what i have done. She laughs and i smile. I will never laugh about what i have done. The scope of understanding i now have will never allow me to make light of the subject.

I struggle with many thing. I struggle with how unfair things are. How i have forever changed her. How much of every day life makes light of infidelity.

I try quietly to be proud of who i am now. It often think about how it doesn’t matter how hard i work. What i mean to say is, it wouldn’t matter if i performed miracles and saved children from a burning building. If people knew what i had done i’d always be shunned, labeled cheater or worse. Nothing i could ever do would take that label off. But i remind myself i do not to this all for others, i do it for her, i do it for me and i do it for my family.

She is truly a remarkable woman. This has opened my eyes to that fact. I could go on for hours perhaps days. She tells me often how much she loves me, how much i mean too her. It make me smile and i store those images for the nights she is silent, absent and distant.

Tonight she is distant and i am withdrawing from my smile bank remembering the last time she kissed me, the last time she held me and those words of love.

Good night my love. I miss you.

I think have lost her

Last night she told me I will no longer sleep in the bed. I am to move downstairs. She wants to tell the kids that mommy and daddy are having problems. I think she wants to ease them into the reality that mom and dad will get a divorce. She is talking about if we have to move to one or TWO houses that we might want to declutter things now.

I am struggling right now as I have lost her. I feel it. I feel empty inside knowing I did this all. I destroyed our family. I went to a funeral for a friends sister in law. She passed recently at a young age leaving 4 kids and a husband behind. All I could think of was how unfair that god left me and took her. I had wished I could change places with her.

She fought hard to get past what I have done but regardless of how perfect of a husband I can be now I cannot change what I have done. It continues to pop up and beat her down. None of this is her fault. It is not enough to have learned from my mistakes and change. That only fixes me but cannot help her. She is tortured by what I have done and I understand. Maybe after I am gone she will be able to find peace. I hope so.

I hold the faintest of hope that she will change her mind. I would do anything to have that be true but I cannot turn back time.

Not defending myself….just hoping to clarify.

My wife recently forwarded me this link:

http://www.google.comwww.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=547056

She often googles the blog to see where it is popping up on the web.  It has been an interesting journey so far and I am sometimes caught off guard on how what I have written is taken by other people. This blog was never intended for others.

I have come to respect all the opinions from anyone who has sent them.  I could never have fully understood what anyone in this situation goes through until I went through it myself so I don’t get defensive when I am hit with criticism.  I deserve everything I get as I am guilty.  I know that the pain from this stays raw in the hearts, minds and souls of those who are betrayed and in some cases in those who betray.  I believe I am one of those who are forever changed from my experience.

THE PERSON WROTE:

I wish he’d describe the personal recovery work he’s doing, rather than focus in how intent he is on waiting for his wife to come back” (which I read as “get over it”). His recent posts are about a year in, and superficial. He will start to describe, for example, a meditation seminar. How they sat down on mats. And then, it’s, “and after we were done…” Or an SA meeting–he describes the meeting, and concludes that SA is part of his personal equation. But he does not describe the process of recovery, the Steps, the work HE is doing, but rather turns the microscope (no, not microscope–it’s far too superficial; he’s not looking closely) on Erin.

It’s not just all “faith, love, hope, patience.”

He’s made it about his BS (and outcome), not his own journey. He’s made it about how he will wait for her.

It’s nice that he recognizes her work to R (though describing her angry emotional responses as “psychotic episodes” seems to exhibit a disconnect of some sort), but I’d like to see more of the deep personal work he’s doing. He’s not putting that out there. Instead, he’s displaying his BS. He’s making a mild gesture, creating a very public love letter (which would make me livid, given my own stbx’s tendency to gather ego kibbles and ignore the real work that needs to be done). It’s superficial and strikes me as cowardly. It makes me wonder whether he’s doing the work, or just waiting for Erin to “get over it,” putting in as little effort as he can.

Of course, this is JMO, based on my own experiences and projections. I wish he’d give more of the sense that he GETS it and is really doing the hard work to R. He says he’s working to help his wife heal. That won’t do her a bit of good if he doesn’t do the work he needs to heal. And if he’s attending his first SA meeting a year out and still describing her anger as “falling” and “psychotic episodes,” it does not seem he’s done the work.

I would like to help clarify what I believe is a misunderstanding about my blog and what I chose to write about in the hopes they see it for what it is. I started this not as a blog as all but a journal to myself.  The initial drafts of this was written in the 3rd person as if I was talking to myself.  My wife later converted this to the blog simply to make sure I never lost what I written in the event my computer crashed.  It seemed like a good idea at the time.  I have never published this blog, linked it in any forum or tried to gain exposure.  This was for me….to be able to look back and remember the thoughts, feelings and actions I took and more importantly how it affected my wife and the struggles we both had with this.  I can tell you now, that my mind was not always there in the earliest of times.  I really needed this to help me remember.

I continue writing for the same reason.  I’m not looking to educate people or use this blog for anything more than a record.  I would encourage the same from any spouse who has betrayed their loved ones.  Sometimes when Erin won’t talk to me she reads the blog and it helps.  You may have noticed I do not put specifics on here.  I do so for a simple reason.  I plan to keep this for ever to remind me.  Erin and I will revisit this and while she knows the painful truths of my betrayal, I do not want to inflict her with having to read them over and over.

These specific lines were among the most critical so I felt I wanted to address them:

It’s superficial and strikes me as cowardly. It makes me wonder whether he’s doing the work, or just waiting for Erin to “get over it,” putting in as little effort as he can.

I don’t understand how my blog can be interpreted as cowardly.  My life before, my lying, cheating and addiction was cowardly.  Equally, giving up, leaving and forgetting the damage I have caused, that would be cowardly.  Staying here, watching her break apart and come together and break apart, that has taken all the strength in my mind and body.  Letting go of my former identity and searching for any shred of a moral backbone, accepting faith in a high power as guidance and truly repenting for my past.  That has taken willpower, determination and love.  Struggling with the thoughts which race inside my head of all the wrong things I’ve done.  Struggling with the thoughts they’d all be better off if I was dead.  Realizing that even when it feels like you cannot go on, you must for the ones you love and then keeping that in your heart. This experience, for those offending souses who are truly sorry and truly remorseful, is also very tramatic however I will not attempt to compare it to what the betrayed spouse goes through.  We do have it much easier then them and even so it is life altering.

I am not waiting for Erin to “get over it”.  I do not intend the comments I make about doing the laundry, making lunches, cleaning or other things as trivial efforts to help her with her chores.  I spent years, even before I began my offending behaviour not truly understanding all the things my wife did. I took everything for granted. Now, she needs time to heal, to rest and to regain herself so I pour myself into the dozens of daily chores for several reasons. They give her time to heal, they show her I support her in needing that time and they allow me perspective on what I felt was trivial work. I can say after a year of making beds, doing laundry, making lunches, cleaning the house, vacuuming and more that those are rewarding tasks I’ve come to enjoy. I do them out of love in that she appreciates the extra time for her job and to relax when she can. I am not waiting for her, I am helping her in an indirect way.

As for the work I am doing, I likely could be more forthcoming but again I write this for me and as I do the work and discuss with Erin, I don’t often blog it. With that said, I have done a great deal of self evaluation, criticism, analysis and reflection. Not a day goes by that I don’t reflect on how wrong I have been and how much of everything I have wasted. Once you truly realize that you have been so completely wrong for so long it is pretty straight forward. I was “insert negative adjective” but am changing. I say I am changed but behaviour takes time to change and I will continue to be consistent on those changes.

I have accepted i am an addict in recovery. I read the books, I have worked some of the steps between my job and responsibilities. I am appreciating the little things and trying very hard to stay positive even when my wife overtly hates my guts.

I am not waiting….I am doing, hoping and praying.

I am also not defending myself. I do not wish to argue but inform so I hope this is taken with the humility, humble and genuine nature that it is intended. I truly can understand how all betrayed spouses can see the most well intentioned comments from someone like me as defending or belittling a betrayed spouses’ efforts but that is not me.

I read several blogs from betrayed spouses and i feel for them as i can understand through what i have seen in my wife. I find it nothing short of a miracle the strength, character, love, spirit, compassion, kindness, caring and patience my wife has shown while experiencing all this pain. I can assure you all she has endured far more than I have even begun to describe.

Lastly and I will leave you with this, as I reread the post which prompted this I also came to the conclusion of another not insignificant point of this blog. I do hope people who are on the verge of considering betraying their partner to be able to read first hand what the damage can be like. Perhaps it will give them pause to face their own shortcomings and think twice.

For your consideration….I now turn my thoughts back to my primary purpose of repairing my life, my wife and myself.

Flashbacks

Has it really been a year. It feels like yesterday. Flashbacks to year ago as I sit alone in my family room, my wife has gone out without word. She is processing what she discovered. I did not intentionally deceive her of this recent discovery but with all my lies and 1/2 truths how can she possibly tell the difference.

I sit here wondering how I could have done all those things.

I sit and wonder where she is. I have no right to ask, no right to comment.

Almost a year and it is still raw. I still feel the effects of her pain deeply in my soul. There is no woman on this earth who could take her place. She is the perfect woman in my eyes and I have crushed her.

It has been the best year of my live and the worst. I have found what life is meant to be lived for. I have also destroyed another person, shattered her life. We have grown together in so many ways but I fear tonight she is doubting all she knows in her heart and I have placed that doubt their.

I hope she comes home soon and safe.