Listening to the tears of pain

It often happens at night, it catches her off guard, she will be having a shower or getting ready for bed. The distractions of the day subside and she is defenceless against her own mind. I will be sitting at my desk praying for her to get through one shower. Then I hear it, faint at first, not clear enough to be sure but it often grows to a hysterical painful cry. My heart sinks in those moments with me often praying for peace within her. I am not getting impatient but I pray for her peace soon. She is tired of this heavy burden I’ve set upon her.

Tonight is one of those night. Lately when she falls, she falls hard. We were at a local store with our youngest . We were discussing light fixtures and I had remembered one at another store so I was about to pull it up on my iPhone as I walked around the corner. In an instant a trigger hit her and her eyes became as wide as a wild animal. She shook and had a look of madness upon her. I wanted to rush to her, to hold her, to comfort her but history suggests let her come back on her own. I put the phone away and just waited. We finished shopping and came home.

Later in the evening she showed my an image of a sigh.

Imaging only a few short hours before her mind attacked her with images triggering her and now she has the urge to embrace me and show me this sign. A gift to be sure.

However only a few short minutes ago did she collapse on the bathroom floor triggered yet again.

She is fighting for us as much as I fight am. Sometimes we have different battles on the way to winning this war.

I love her for trying.

Facing my past

This morning I am numb. Last night was one of the most difficult nights I have experienced in months. We were at a friends party until one am. On the drive home we had to drive thru the neighbourhood of one of women I betrayed my wife with. My wife turned to me and said she thought it was time for me to take her to her house. I was caught off guard and a wave of sadness, fear and guilt came over me. I had made a promises to myself I’d never gone near there again and haven’t but now my wife is asking me to drive to it. I have learned many things about how my wife heals and I knew I’d have to face this as part of it. I drove to her house. She asked where I parked, details about how I snuck in and she sat looking at the house for a bit. Then she asked for me to take her to the place I’d go park. It was about 10 min by car, a small parking lot from a conservation area. She asked questions which I tried to answer. We sat for a long time. I shook unable to control my nerves and she sat contemplating the millions of thoughts racing through her head. Suddenly she ended her silence screaming with every ounce of anger, frustration and pain. She screamed and kicked and released her pain. She screamed as long as she could and then was silent again. She only broke her silence to lash out with some painful rhetorical questions to me about my actions. Finally after what felt like an eternity she said we could leave.

We drove home in silence. She went straight to bed and I followed shortly. When we have nights like last night, when she has fallen before bed, I tend to sleep poorly. Generally she goes to bed first and I follow. I gingerly slip into my side of the bed trying to not make any moves which may offend her. I sleep still, stiff and wake sore. I do so for the privilege of simply being in her presence. It is enough for me to not sleep alone and still be permitted to prove the things I have been proving for that past 11 months.

This morning as expected, I am tired, sore and thankful for the opportunity to sit with my son and watch Sunday morning cartoons. I think about the night before. I wait to see what the day brings.

Life speaks to me.

I have returned home from the second of two business trips this month. This one was longer than the last. I’ve taken on so many roles at home that it puts a great deal of strain on Erin when I travel. On the plane home I was watching a movie and there was a moment in the movie where it all came flooding back. I often have those moments where life speaks to me through a picture, a song or a scene in a film. As I sit and write this I cannot actually remember what it was but I know it moved me at the time. It seems I am now capable of listening to what life is willing to tell me. I wonder now if it was talking to me before and I was too self involved to hear or am i so profoundly changed that I am now willing to listen. I don ‘t really know the answer but I am humbled by the messages.

Life is still a day by day challenge. I strive to focus on my family and keep trying to do my best for Erin. When I feel lacking somehow life finds a way to help me up. When I am up life also finds a way to remind me of my journey and brings me back down to where I belong.

I know what I am fighting for so I keep working, hoping and praying for my Erin.

Thank you for the past few days

A letter to Erin:

Thank you for the past few days. It has been amazing connecting with you. It has been a relief of the weight of the shame , guilt and regret I now carry. I know it is often only a temporarily relief but a welcome one.

Spending those nights making love with you, holding you, falling asleep against you. Those moments when you truly love me with your entire being, those are what fuel me to keep enduring my burden….to keep fighting for us. You give me hope.

I know you have fallen tonight as is sometimes the case these days but I will wait for you. I will work for you to lift the pressures of everyday life as best as I can. I will comfort you from near or far as your mood permits. I will pick you up when you fall and I will love you forever.

Thank you for loving me.

A letter for my heart and soul….my Erin.

I will wait for you

She gives me hope.

We had a good day. She started off down this morning as last night she had fallen. Throughout the day I took little opportunities to connect with her. I worked on our bedroom. I am completely redoing it to make it a clean, fresh and safe place for us. Too many bad memories lingered in the old one so every scrap of furniture gone, every surface painted and a whole new look. It has taken me a few weekends but it is close. This weekend she went shopping with the girls and while I worked she purchased this.

It is remarkable how she looks for thing to help us heal. The star and the word hope was very present I. The early days as you may have read . She has many days where hate is strong but through all of that hate she holds onto hope as do I.

It is now late evening where I am and I am finishing this as she lays here beside me. It was a good day. My hope is for several more where this one came from.

Sexual addiction

A few months back Erin sent me a link to a lecture on sexual addiction. She had been looking at the question of why and stumbled across it. I watch it and the man was explaining the cycle of the addiction. It was like he was speaking directly too me. I decided to look into it more but was and am determined to only consider it as a factor and not an excuse.

I have now attended my 5th meeting of a 12 step sexual addicts program. It puts what I have done into greater perspective.

I sat in a room with 9 men who are all in various stages of struggle with various addictions. Some have multiple addictions. Some are 18 years “sober” from the addiction and some are still working on a week of sobriety from their specific sexual triggers or addiction. Some are living and struggling with addiction to porn, masturbation and many other forms of sexual acting out. They struggle from day to day.

In the meetings we learn about the criteria which helps define your addiction. We read about it and share how the readings might apply to ourselves. The meetings address the idea of a higher power and the reality that the addiction is not one which can be controlled but one what we must accept is beyond our control and we must turn to the support of the higher power and the group to help live with this addiction.

I am only scratching the surface but from what I have seen and read, this is absolutely a factor in my behaviour. I have put sex and the pursuit of sex ahead of so much in my life. I can remember as far back at 12 year old I let fantasy and masturbation stop me from leading a normal life.

I am not using this as an excuse. It is if anything a factor which I have ignored and downplayed as normal behaviour but it was not. There is nothing normal or everyday about what I have done. Normal is respecting the vows and honouring my wife and family.

I feel like I have started a path toward becoming someone I can respect. Someone I can be proud of. I know it will be a fight but I am fighting for a great cause and for my future.

Many people say sexual addiction is not real but they have not see it through my eye, lived it through my brain. It is no less real than alcoholism or drug addiction.

I see it’s place in what I have done and at least now that I have acknowledged it, I can learn from it to ensure I don’t repeat my mistakes.

I will keep going to the meetings and invest time into learning about this addiction. I need to learn how to combat the urges, to gain strength against the outside pressures which can trigger the misbehaving.

I do this for my family and my wife. I do this for my future. I do this fit me. To become a person I am proud of who they have become.

I do wonder when you have done so much wrong, can one ever truly forgive themselves and be proud. I hope so. I take things day by day now. No other was to live.

She hates me tonight

I will never get use to how I have split my wife into two people.

One who has loved me since the day we met. The one who through all the pain can still show me compassion and caring.

The other fuelled by hate. Hate from all I have done. Hate for all the foreseen and unforeseen consequences of my choices.

She has two faces, one soft warm and kind. One which smiles when I enter the room. It lifts my heart and eases my burden. The other can freeze me in my tracks. Can send me falling. It is so sharp, so raw, so full of pain. I find it hard to breathe. The guilt washes over me and it is like I am swirling down the drain.

Tonight she sees me through the eyes of hate, sorrow and pain. When she looks at me with the glare, my heart sinks. I find it hard to breathe. I must wait and hope for when the anger fades.

Time will tell, it always does.

I love her strength

I watch her struggle.
I watch her fall.
I watch her collapse into a ball of sobbing pained human being.
I watch her fight image flashing before her eyes.
I watch her turn over and over in her brain the multitude of sins I have committed.
I watch her break into pieces.

Then I see her pick herself up.
I see her set aside my past.
I see her recognize the changes in me and listen as she acknowledges them with kindness.
I see her look at me with love, longing, kindness and hope for the future.
I see the strength as she comes back to the “now” and pushes out the past.
I see her reach out to me with loving arms to pick me up as well.
I see her smile.

That happens sometimes daily, weekly or hourly. The incredible strength she has to pick herself up each time.

I love her strength.