I often only blog when she is distant. I find it a way to connect with her when i cannot in person. It helps me focus on my goals and reminds me the only way through this is by following the path ahead of me. For me there is no turning back or even looking back to the person i was but keep working on the person i have become.
Today is a rare day i am sitting down to post when things are good. A few days after newyears she came out of her cloud. It often starts with a little gesture of connection. For days she will avoid me, go to bed alone without exchanging words. She will tollerate me but not interact. She is stuck in the mud and filth of my past. I don’t know exactly what goes on but i think she just gets tired of the hate and in a moment, likea wave, it leaves her and she comes back.
It is hard to describe but it is such a uplifting moment when that first touch or gesture of affection happens. You spend days alone in the same space not knowing if or when you might see her smile or treat you in a kind way. A peaceful quite joy is in those moments. It makes all the hard work worth while.
For those in the early days of discovery, i encourage you too have faith and work hard. It can get better if you truly want it too. Search your soul, accept your faults, embrace the good. Cherrish the moments which can help you through the darkness.
We are here today through Erins grace, strength and love for me. She has and continues too teach me life lessons. To many to share today. She still struggles often, more often then she tells me about. I have altered reality for both of us. I must live with that and some days are harder than others. I cherrish every day with her and my kids, even the bad ones.
Today was a good day.