It doesn’t feel like a new year, certainly not a happy one. A few days ago Erin triggered hard and she has been distant. I don’t know exactly what triggered her, in that, know a little but didn’t go digging. The source of the triggers are the same. My infidelity is after all the cause of all the triggers.
So 2016 has come with few words spoken between us and of those, only the necessary. I miss her. We have shared some amazing moments this past year. I wish to hold her and tell her how much I am looking forward to 2016, 2017 and beyond. I know it will take work and strength to get there. I find times like these stretch my faith. I wonder if this is the time she doesn’t come back. Everything she has endured so far should assure me that we can get through this but negative emotions are as much human nature as is love, hope and faith. I try and push them out of my head but it is hard. I keep trying….I keep working.
I’ve started to read blogs again. I needed a break. It is hard to read about all the pain others are suffering when I can see if every day in the one i love. So many people suffering. I wonder if their offending partners are suffering too. I have some strange thoughts and realizations which I am sure most people won’t care about. For those who have been offending partners I wonder if they are quietly suffering as I am. Nobody cares about how I feel, how the pain of what I have done is eating me alive. Most of the time I don’t even care about my own pain, only what I can do to help Erin. Nothing I do for myself helps. The only thing which lifts my heart is an act of kindness from her. It is a vulnerable feeling. Erin has still remained silent to our friends and family about my actions. A burden which weighs heavy on her at times as references and triggers are everywhere. She has her “Sisters” from her support group. I am thankful of that. She believes silence is better than the alternative of everyone walking on eggshells around her and treating her like a wounded animal. All my efforts go toward helping her with her burdens. I support her where I can. I will never be able to repay her for the gifts she has granted me. The moments of love she has shown, the renewed awareness of my family, my children and just how wonderful she is.
I don’t write much here. I don’t have much new to add to this journey. We are still on it and it is a struggle from day to day. I also find that I don’t like putting all my thoughts on here. I don’t want to give in to the negative emotions. I am staying strong, as strong as someone can be given what I have done. Regret, guilt and shame are powerful enemies. I take solace in my ability to break myself of my addiction. I will always be an addict, I know that. It is not something you are cured of. But it is something which can be controlled. People who don’t have the struggle of addiction will never understand that statement. They will not understand that resisting an addiction is something one must try and do. Those who have suffered with addiction, will understand. It is all a matter of choice. I chose to make the right choices for my family now. I know what I have to live for. I chose to live for them.
I wish everyone peace and happiness for 2016 and beyond. I wish it most for my Erin. I wish for the knowledge, strength and resolve to help in every way I can to give her that peace.