Proof of life…..amongst the lies.

I have been neglecting this blog but my heart is heavy tonight so I thought i’d visit an old friend.

I’ll start by saying we were doing well.  There were challenges but overall I think we were doing well although the past is never very far from either of our minds.  We are approaching D day Plus 2 years.  Like I said….we were doing well.  Erin still has daily triggers or her mind wandered to the past but she was managing it and I was still doing a great deal to help.  I had been traveling some and work has been very stressful.  Not a few days ago she told me she will always love me.  Today there is silence……

It’s only taken 2 simple, careless and incorrect words to put us back 2 years. Thursday she got this message in her Facebook IM from an anonymous person.  2 words which might be my end.  “He’s cheating”.  They are referring to me of course or at least that is what she believes.  I was out all day taking my bosses to meet my most important client.  The morning had started off ok and she told me to “kick ass”.  Around lunch I started to get the impression something was up.  She had stopped responding.  That is always a sign of a negative, perhaps she was triggered or simply hates when I am out of the house.  Truth be told I hate leaving the house as it is a strain on her.  So when I got home around 10 I found her on the couch staring into space.  I sat down and she asked for my phone.  I handed it over as I always do now.  There is nothing to hide in it so I sit not worried.  Sometimes she just does that to feel better.  Then I was hit with it.  Who is “blank”.  I pause to be sure of the answer.  I tell her I don’t know that name.  I asked why and she tells me that this person sent her a message from the Facebook IM function under the unknown senders.  Her facebook page is blank.  There is only a name and the message sitting haunting us like a ghost. Erin was devastated.  She has had every memory from D Day come flooding back like a giant tsunami wiping us out.

For the record, I have been not only sexually faithful but emotionally faithful.  I have not even once typed the word “crai*&%list” and I won’t now.  I don’t text, talk or look at another woman in an inappropriate way.  I have not been in contact with anyone from my past nor do I want too.  I am the happiest I’ve ever been.  I am present for my family, I am appreciating the little things I took for granted.  I have shed the weight of the guilt and shame which fueled my cycle of addiction.  I am not a cheater anymore and there is the crux of my problem.  Why would anyone, including erin believe me given my past.  This is what I am struggling with tonight.  I feel in some way that I have earned this and will never truly free myself from the label and the past.  No matter how hard I try, how much I show her that I understand what I have done and how sorry I am, it only takes the tiny seed or doubt to wipe it all away.

So now this one careless act could jeopardize everything I’ve worked so hard to fix. I don’t know what has prompted this message but I do know, in this case, it cannot be true.  I am “not cheating” but how do you prove something that isn’t.  How do I confront someone who anonymously comments like that.  It’s turned the world upside down again.  She feel empty again as she did in the early days,  It isn’t that I have or haven’t cheated, it is that I did once and this is another reminder putting doubts in her mind.  This brings back the memories of discovery after discover of my behaviour.  To her, it must be more believable that I am cheating than I have been faithful.  That’s the part that hurts the most.  I think she was starting to believe that my love was real and I had changed.  What is she to believe now?

I have some theory’s on who and why they did this.  I plan on tracking down the person as she has left some breadcrumbs to follow.  I have no fear confronting her.  I will let the weekend pass and then I will present to Erin we both confront the person.  There was a time I would have just hidden but not now.  Now I have my the truth behind me.  The truth I have worked very hard to earn.  I am faithful.  I am not a cheater anymore.

For now, I sit in silence waiting for my chance to prove I am not guilty.  I just fear it will be easier for her to not let me and just give up.  After all, how much can one person take.

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8 thoughts on “Proof of life…..amongst the lies.

  1. Wow.. Erin will want to know.. who this person is stirring the pot.. you’ll get to vindicate yourself infront of this jerk who is meddling..
    I wonder that too for Charles.. I mean it must mean we should break up just in the sense of there seems to be no escaping that I married a once liar..
    As if he’s some ex-con and can he be able to function in society or with me anymore..
    I understand your plight.. I think about it with Charles and it makes me hopeless.. which is frustrating..

    1. The challenge is this message was send from a FB account with nothing on it. But at least now, I can try and fight against the accusations and I know they are false. Something I only lied to do before. I initially didn’t know how to react but now I am facing this head on.

      1. Well i have done awful things in my past but i know i have not once slipped even to the point of thinking about cheating let alone actually doing it. I am happy. Happier than i’ve ever been. I know what is important in my life. This message is a cause of concern to me. I am concerned that it might be an attempt by someone to undermine what we have tried to rebuild. Time will tell. I know one thing. I am guilty of nothing and have not strayed. What if she doesn’t believe me….. Would you?

      2. No I probably wouldn’t believe my husband at first, it would take convincing from you and for myself. But from what you say you are not backing down from your actions that you are being honest and true.
        You know how this terrible game plays out most days persistence is key
        Here’s to the both of you and hopes in catching the meddling sad FBer
        How pathetic to mess with Erin like that..
        I hope you find this person or have Erin change her FB name someone is trolling her for sure

  2. So sorry this has happened, but after losing trust its so hard to regain it, but I think Erin will give you a chance to proof you are telling the truth. I don’t know if trust is ever truly restored, you may have to try the rest of your life, after all Erin will never fully get over your affair. This is hard, but think how hard this is for her! Best of luck to both of you! Joan

    1. Thank you. I don’t think either of us will ever get over the affairs but I am trying to walk tall and with dignity. I have embraced that I am not who I was and have mixed pride to be faithful while on a pedestal of mistakes.

      If she doesn’t give me a chance it is because of the past and the weight it must be on her. I live with the hope that she believes me but must face the fact that she has so much past to go on, it will be hard. This has been a journey of faith so I once again wait and hope.

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